Algorithms: Not all they're algo'ed up to be

I got an email the other day from one of the internet's Original Gangstas, eBay, and this was the subject line:

"Clark, we thought of you when we saw these items."

Aw! Of course, I don't believe for a minute that anybody with eBay ever actually thinks about me for any reason whatsoever. This is some kind of assumed preferences drawn together from a computer algorithm that analyzes what I've purchased or looked at on the site in the past. Still, I find it sweet that their random email generator was considerate enough to lie to me about it. I was interested in what they had to say so of course I opened it and the first thing I was was this:

Right on! I like Star Wars toys as much as any adult male my age (okay, maybe a little more than most but not nearly as much as some). We were off to a pretty good start.

Scrolling a little further down, this was the next thing they had to offer me:

Oog. I don't think so. I don't know why exactly, but over the last few years, I've developed a certain annoyingly smug level of pizza snobbery. No offense to Dominos; I just don't like any of those take-out pizza chains any more. I used be an enthusiastic backer of the "there's no such thing as bad pizza" philosophy but something must have happened that was so horrific that I've apparently blocked it from my memory. I vaguely remember an especially awful order from Pizza Hut a few years ago. That was probably it. Sorry, Dominos; Pizza Hut fucked it up for you, Papa John's and everybody else.

Also, who knew you could get pizza via eBay?

Further also, did you know that if you type "ebay", you get this:

The squiggly red underline is the universal helpful hint to run a quick spell check so you can either spell a word correctly or replace what might be typo gibberish. But when you type "eBay", the correct company name but still a word that doesn't mean anything (gibberish), you don't. Anybody else find that a little corporately Big Brother-y? No? Okay then.

Moving on...

Then we arrived at this:

Something about this collection of three items seems kind of... arbitrary. 

A computer? Okay. 

A chainsaw? Huh? 

And I don't even know what that last thing is. A crossbody wristlet? Do you wear it on your torso or your wrist? And why? All-in-one? What are the "all"s? Is that a photo or a drawing? Most importantly, what about it made eBay think I would ever want one?

I'd say that overall this ad was 1-for-6 in terms of things that interest me. That's a .167 batting average.

Just like the great Astyanax Douglass

That's not gonna get it done, eBay. Step yo' algorithm game up.

Good guys wear pink

It's October, which is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. The NFL honors this occasion every year by outfitting its players and coaches in a variety of pink clothing, hats, jackets and other accessories, all of which you can buy (of which, a whopping 8.01% of the proceeds goes to cancer research!). When November rolls around, all that stuff goes away, just like breast cancer does, until next season.

DeAngelo Williams, a running back with the Pittsburgh Steelers, lost his mom to breast cancer in 2014 at the age of 53. He requested permission to keep wearing the pink items when he plays beyond October to honor her memory. The NFL said no, that it violates very important regulations about proper attire worn when issuing and receiving concussions. Williams is working around this restriction by wearing pink dreadlocks and, more importantly, by picking up the tab for 53 mammograms.

Take that, arbitrary and stupid rules.

An addendum to yesterday's "Whom to hate" post

Yesterday, I wrote a post stating that Jennifer (Auntie Jen) Connell and her lawyer William (Bill) Beckert were deserving of internet hatred because they attempted to sue Connell's nephew, who was 8-years-old at the time, for hugging her too hard, which caused her to fall down and break her wrist, with the emphasis on suing her nephew for hugging her too hard. I was contacted by someone who had this to say (translated from Twitterese):

"More to the story - Homeowner insurance denied medical bills saying the nephew was responsible. She sued the kid because you have to name a defendant. Direct the hate to the messed up insurance system that refuses medical claims because a little kid might be responsible."

I asked why she and her lawyer didn't get in front of this by saying that was the situation before social media got hold of it.

"Just guessing, but it probably wouldn't serve the aunt well to publicly blast the insurance company until after the medical bills got covered."

All of that sounds completely logical to me. Further, this person (I won't reveal their name) works at a high level in a field where they would absolutely qualify as an expert in a situation like this. It's almost enough to make me rescind the entire original post. Almost.

But I'm not going to do that because while it's highly likely that there is more to the story (there almost always is), it's still really scummy. For starters, how did they ever think that any jury not comprised of actual monsters would ever side in a million years against an 8-year-old who loves his aunt?

"Actually, we're with the kid on this one, too. I mean, yeah, we're monsters, but come on."

Secondly, why is she testifying in court how her injury hampers her ability to hold a plate of hors d’oeuvres? There is no better way to brand yourself a douche than throwing the phrase "hors d’oeuvres" around. People hate that. She'd have been better served saying the injury hampered her ability to read to blind orphans or even sort her recyclables. She should have at least referenced snacks or munchies.

Douche food

What else could they do, you ask? Well, how about instead of a lawsuit, a public relations campaign, coupled with a GoFundMe or Kickstarter, about how the shitty insurance industry tries to make people do scummy things like sue their families just so they can pay their basic medical bills? There is no institution more universally loathed than the insurance industry. Imagine if she had taken on a righteous beef against some vile, faceless, bloodsucking insurance company with every single person who hates vile, faceless, bloodsucking insurance companies on her side. She would have been hailed a hero AND made enough money to cover her bills and take her nephew to Disneyworld for a month.

So, no I'm not rescinding the post. Maybe Connell and Beckert don't deserve utter hatred (although I still wonder how enthusiastically Beckert offered any alternatives to a lawsuit that he had to know had less than a snowball's chance of succeeding) but they should have used better judgment.

Whom to hate THIS week (part 3): Hug It Out edition

Who is it?
It's Jennifer (Auntie Jen) Connell, Manhattan hors d'oeuvres enthusiast and asshole, who sued her nephew for hugging her too hard!

"Dad, why do I have to go to court?"
"Because you love your Auntie Jen."
"D-did I do something wrong?"
"Well, as a result of your enthusiastic display of affection four years ago, when you were 8-years-old, she now has difficulty holding a plate of hors d’oeuvres, so..."
"I'm a monster!! A monster!!"
"No, you aren't, son. It's okay. Your Auntie Jen is an asshole."

Happy ending: She lost!

A close runner-up, the attorney who wasted everyone's time by bringing her stupid, spiteful case to court, please welcome Mr. William (Bill) Beckert!

Mr. Beckert was quoted as saying

“(he) should have known better.”

and

“We do not take great pleasure in bringing a minor to court. She (Auntie Jen) is not here enjoying a moment of this. We have rules for children. He was not careful. He was unsafe.”

It is not known whether or not Beckert then lit a huge cigar with a $100 bill nor whether he is seeking to bring suit against the nephew for whatever role he may have had in his mother's death last year.

Any speculation about whether either of those things is true, or the possibility that Mr. William Beckert, a partner with the law firm of Jainchill and Beckert, LLC (the place you go when you want to sue a child), is an actual sentient piece of human fecal matter that somehow figured out how to talk and put on a suit, should be regarded as nothing more than irresponsible conjecture for the sake of LOLZ.

Previous entries under "Whom To Hate This Week" include Taylor Chapman, Paula Deen, and F&R Auto Sales of Westport, Massachusetts. All of the above have successfully met the qualifying criteria:

1. Someone does something mean/stupid/thoughtless
2. Somebody on the internet finds out
3. The entire internet reacts by focusing their scorn directly on that person...
4. ...until somebody else comes along.

FAQ for the newly improved clarkbrooks.com

Hey look everybody, I re-did my web site, clarkbrooks.com! Go check it out. There's no free downloads or apps or anything like that but if a bunch of people visit, I'll feel a little better about paying my GoDaddy bill. So thanks!
I'd now like to open things up for questions of the frequently asked variety...

Who, what, where and when is it?
It's me, my own web site. It's located at clarkbrooks.com on the internet and is available right now.

So it's you plugging yourself and stuff you want people to pay money for, right?
Yeah, pretty much.

And that's different from this site how?
Well, the formatting is kind of... It's not, I guess.

Why can't I buy your book directly from the site?
Because an online store was not a line item in my budget this year. But the book is available at Amazon.

Wait a minute, I just looked at it: are you still talking about those Creative Loafing awards?
Yes, I'm proud of winning those.

Dude.
What?

Get over yourself already. 
What's wrong with that? I don't win a ton of awards all the time, you know.

Yeah, but it's not like you're a real celebrity like the host of a local late night radio show or anything.
Well, that's true. Good point.

After somebody from Anonymous hacks your site, how many dicks do you think will be Photoshopped on that picture of your big dumb face?
I don't know. A lot?

Oh yeah, it's gonna be a lot!
Please don't do that.

How much will you pay, per dick, to not have dicks Photoshopped all over your big dumb face?
Zero dollars. That is also not a line item in my budget.

So you want numerous quantities of all kinds of dicks all over your face?
You're talking about the picture of my face, right? It doesn't matter. No, I don't want any dicks on any of my faces.

That's not what the host of a certain local late night radio show has been saying.
A certain local late night radio host has been saying quite a few things that aren't true. Not to me directly, of course, but there's not much I can do about that.

What about just one dick, but it's an animated gif?
I'd actually kind of like to see that because that sounds funny but I wouldn't want to leave it up forever. Maybe just for a couple of days.

All right, how about this: 10 dicks, all different colors...
Do you have any non-dick questions?

No.
Okay then. Thanks for checking out clarkbrooks.com

Happy Not Columbus Day!

Well, since it's (what is still currently known as) Columbus Day, I was going to tell the story about Mrs. Reed, my third grade social studies teacher, defending the reputation of Christopher Columbus by summarily executing Santa Claus, but it looks like I've already shared that tale here three times, each time thinking I was covering new territory. A mere nine-plus years into this and I'm repeating myself repeating myself. What a jackass.

Today is Columbus Day, at least in most places. But there's a growing movement to change the name to "Indigenous Peoples' Day", a step already taken in Albuquerque, New Mexico, St. Paul, Minnesota and Portland, Oregon among others. Without even Googling this story and drilling down to the comments, I know there are certain heads out there just about to spin right off of their shoulders. They're frothing about how political correctness is just ruining everything and how it's a slippery slope that will result in renaming streets and schools after someone who didn't spread venereal diseases and commit genocide. Plus, their nerves are probably frayed because they never even got around to using the phrase "Native Americans" and now they're expected to learn some totally new word they can't even pronounce.

I'd like to address the following to those people.

Listen, to the extent that change-for-the-sake-of-change is obnoxious and annoying and nobody likes it, you have a point. However, when it's a case of correcting errors, you don't. The people you call Indians have no connection to India. Columbus, was, at best, a total incompetent who didn't discover shit. There's nothing wrong with finding out that something you believed turned out not to be accurate and then correcting it going forward.

Ironically enough...

And one day out of the year, a holiday which doesn't even merit dressing up in some kind of stupid ethnic stereotype costume and getting wasted to celebrate it, to honor the people who happened to live on this particular above-water chunk of dirt first, simply isn't that big of a deal. Historical accuracy, a modest display of respect and up to 20% off at Macy's and other retailers. Sounds good enough to me.

BONUS BLOG POST: Something nice!

Hey, remember our ol' pal Jessie Stehlik? In addition to her role as antagonist/ally in the legendary Muffinquest adventure, she also did the Pablo Ferro-esque titles, the front and back covers and the chapter illustrations for my now officially award-winning book. She was recently interviewed by our relatively new pal Sandi Everleth on the subject of making connections. Two nice people, talking about nice things. Check out the podcast by clicking these words right here!

And just look how happy Jessie is that I pop up in it!



Regularly scheduled not-quite-so-nice blog post coming later today.

Political correctness: Ruining America since 1950

Yep. This kind of destructive rhetoric from an illegal alien is the exact reason why people need to vote for Donald Trump. Or Lex Luthor.

An ethical gimmick

"ST. PETERSBURG — The owner of a Florida media company said Monday that radio host Bubba The Love Sponge Clem tried to influence the listening habits of a person who was participating in a ratings survey.
In a statement, Beasley Media said Clem was contacted directly by someone who had a ratings device to measure listening habits. Nielsen calculates its ratings by putting listening devices that resemble pagers on people.
...
The Beasley statement said Clem and his staff must undergo ratings compliance training." - Gainesville Sun, October 5, 2015

RATINGS COMPLIANCE TRAINING

WALTER: Okay, welcome to Ratings Compliance Training. My name is Walter Mermud from the AC Nielsen company and I'll admit right up front that I don't really teach this course very often. Frankly, I've never taught it before. In fact, nobody has ever taught it before. There's usually just no need for it. Kind of a common sense thing when it comes to anybody who conducts themselves ethically, I guess. In light of certain recent events, however, your employer has determined that it's necessary so here we are. Let me verify that everyone who is supposed to be here is actually present and we'll begin. Todd Clem?
BUBBA: It's Bubba, legally, since 1999. And here.
WALTER: My sheet says "Todd"...
BUBBA: Bubba!
WALTER: Okay then. Manson?
MANSON: Here.
WALTER: Ned?
MANSON: (in a different voice) Here.
WALTER: You already answered
BUBBA: He's a different guy sometimes. They're both here.
WALTER: All right then. 25 Cent?
25 CENT: (sighs) Yeah.
WALTER: Is that really your name, legally? You know what, never mind. It doesn't matter. Let's get started so we can get out of here. Now, the key thing to know about Ratings Compliance is that you should simply not interfere in any way with the process of gathering ratings. That's really all there is... Mr. Clem, what are you doing?
BUBBA: Huh? Oh, I'm trying to smash this pager gimmick open to see what's inside of it.
WALTER: That's one of our portable people meters and you shouldn't even have one, let alone try to open it for any reason.
BUBBA: Yeah, but I'm not doing it for ratings. I'm doing it to see if there's anything to eat inside.
WALTER: It's an electronic device! There's nothing edible about it! Where did you get it?
BUBBA: My lawyers gave it to me.
WALTER: My understanding is your lawyers aren't lawyers anymore.
BUBBA: Exactly. So it's all good. From a ethical gimmick.
WALTER: Please just put that down.
BUBBA: Here, 25. You and Manson open this up and see if there's some candy inside.
25 CENT: Anything you say, Bubba!
BUBBA: Get Ned to help you guys.
MANSON: Yes sir! (as Ned) Yes sir!
WALTER: I said to stop doing that!
BUBBA: You told me to put it down and I did. You didn't tell those three guys. Ethically, we're covered.
WALTER: There are only two guys and I want everyone to stop trying to...
25 CENT: Ooh! We got it! This looks like a battery!
BUBBA: Gimme that!
WALTER: Did you... did you just eat a battery?
BUBBA: Mmph? (with mouth full) That wasn't me, that was Mike Calta.
WALTER: Mr. Clem, I just saw you put a battery in your mouth.
BUBBA: (swallows hard) No sir. I don't currently have a delicious battery in my mouth any more right now. You're thinking of Mike Calta. Plus, I'm not sure it was a battery. It didn't taste like one. (puts shattered remains of portable people meter in his mouth) Mmm, crunchy!
MANSON: Technically, he's telling the truth!
25 CENT: Hurray! He's not guilty! We still have jobs!
BUBBA: I knew I'd be exonerated! The people have spoken! Court gimmick dismissed!
WALTER: Fine. Whatever. Please just sign these forms stating that you've completed the training and... and you're ignoring me and just walking right out. I'll sign off on these I guess.

Halloween costume ideas for 2015, some inspired by Facebook status updates!

Halloween is almost upon us. Time to slut it up! Or come up with a creative costume to hide your face and express yourself. But that requires so much more brain use than simply slutting it up. God!!

Here's an idea: let your Facebook timeline do your thinking for you! You're staring at it all day anyway. Have your "Friends®" tell you what to do via telling you what they're doing!

Here are actual updates from my® timeline and the costume ideas they inspirated.

BAT THING
"So I rescued this little bat this morning. He or she is taking a little rest while we wait for the rescue lady to come check him out. His head is about the size of a dime."

1. Find a bat.
2. Make him bite you (this should be easy, especially if you rub yourself all over with some rotting fruit).
3. Assume the radioactive powers of the Bat and patrol the night streets of Golem City! Or become a baby Dracula with a dime-sized head. 
4. Trickety Treat!

BINGO BLITZ
"Roaring Lions, Spinning Wheels, Are You Ready For Thrills and Chills?"

1. It's a game or something.
2. I don't know.

A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE COMPLAINT ADDRESSED TO SOMEONE WHO INCONVENIENCED YOU

"Dear train conductor who felt the need to blast the horn a gazillion times at 1:30 am and again at 6am waking my kids, but especially me, I thank you. It's bad enough they were all up at different times during the night yet the times they were actually asleep you came thru our little town."

1. Label an inflatable sex doll to represent what it is that annoyed you. In this case, "Safety of others; specifically motorists and pedestrians who might benefit from knowing that a train was coming".
2. Have angry, violent sex with it.
3. Repeat a gazillion times or until someone shoots you in the face.
4. Knock knock! Who's there? Candy!

FOOD SOMEONE ATE

"Late lunch today. Burger lettuce wrap."

1. Stand in the middle of some green fabric.
2. Turn around in a circle as many times as it takes for the green fabric be all around you.
3. You did it right if nobody gives a shit, just like how people reacted to this status update that inspired the concept.
4. Thick or threat!

You know what? This is harder than I thought it would be. Let's abandon this premise and just go back to slutting it up. Only let's be clever and get all topical and timely with it!

NAUGHTY REFUGEE®

"Get your hands off me...or all over me. Whatever. Halloween!"

Yowza!

SLUTTY, ARBITRARILY DEVOUT RELIGIOUS ZEALOT/LOW-LEVEL GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRAT ®

Hubba hubba!

SEXY TRUMP

"Boo!"

*Burp*

Lies and the dumb ass liars who tell them

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) questioned Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards in front of the House Oversight Committee on Tuesday. Here's how that went... more or less. I mean you could watch the video of the actual exchange by clicking on this text but the following loosely interpreted transcription pretty much gives you the gist.

RICHARDS: None of the dollars you are discussing are federal dollars and the Planned Parenthood Federation of America receives almost no federal dollars. At this point, only $21 thousand...
CHAFFETZ: (shakes head sadly) You do know that all dollars are federal dollars, right? Only the American government is allowed to print money in America. Private companies can't do that.
RICHARDS: Right, but...
CHAFFETZ: I'm just saying.
RICHARDS: Okay, well...
CHAFFETZ: So it goes to the same organization and you just separate that all out.
RICHARDS: Like any organization that operates with a budget to manage resources? Yeah. We do that. We are highly accountable...
CHAFFETZ: I've gone over my time. I need to show this last slide.
RICHARDS: You keep interrupting me...
CHAFFETZ: I do that a lot. Let's not fixate on it. (gestures to slide) Now, this one I don't understand... part of the challenge is you don't do mammograms!
RICHARDS: I'm sorry, I...
CHAFFETZ: You don't do mammograms, correct? There's, like, one or two places that does them but you don't do mammograms.
RICHARDS: Planned Parenthood is a women's health center...
CHAFFETZ: I suppose you don't sell phone cards either.
RICHARDS: Excuse me?
CHAFFETZ: Phone cards, for when you want to call long distance. 7-Eleven has them but they don't do mammograms, just like you. But at least they sell phone cards. And beef jerky. I checked your corporate report and you have sold exactly zero beef jerky. You're basically operating a 7-Eleven that kills babies instead of selling beef jerky and phone cards! Why should the American taxpayers fund a poorly run convenience store?
RICHARDS: I'm sorry, I don't see the relevance...
CHAFFETZ: Exactly.
RICHARDS: Planned Parenthood is a women's health center. If you need a mammogram, you're referred to a radiological center and that's how women receive their care. And we provide breast exams to... I can get you the numbers of how many hundreds of thousands of women received breast exams at Planned Parenthood last year. It has nothing to do with this slide you're showing me for the first time. I have no idea what it is.

SOURCE: "Slides For Dummies: Liar's Edition"

CHAFFETZ: It's the reduction over the course of years, in pink, because that's boobs, in breast exams and the red, for baby blood, is the increase in abortions! That's what's going on in your organization!
RICHARDS: This is a slide that has never been shown to me before and I'm happy to take a look at it it but it absolutely does not reflect what's happening at Planned Parenthood.
CHAFFETZ: You're going to deny that these are arrows, and that one of them is pointing up while the other is pointing down? Just look at the pointy things on the ends! Those are CLEARLY arrows! I think I've made my point. That being, arrows are pointy and can face any number of directions, including up and down.
RICHARDS: It doesn't feel like we're trying to get to the truth here.
CHAFFETZ: I pulled those numbers directly out of your corporate reports.
RICHARDS: My lawyer is informing me that the source of this is actually Americans United For Life which is an anti-abortion group, so I would check your source.
CHAFFETZ: Ummm, oops?

"Yeah, check your source. Bitch."

Generation BS

Here's a video that pops up on Facebook fairly often...


What a total load of bullshit.

This and all the related memes where we kiss our own asses and celebrate how kids today are worthless, coddled pussies that aren't even close to being as awesome as those of us who grew up during these super wonderful times in the past are all complete and utter bullshit.

Ask yourself this: If everything was so great then and we all turned out so awesome, then why isn't life like that at all anymore? Why has it changed so drastically? The narrator refers derisively to "today's regulators and bureaucrats". Who the hell does he think those regulators and bureaucrats are? They're us! Or at least the kids we grew up with. We're the adults now. We're supposed to be the ones in charge!

Yeah, sure, it's true we used to play football with our friends, outside in vacant lots and build treehouses and routinely skin our knees and elbows and mostly didn't complain about it. So what happened to us as a result of all this great character building we put ourselves through?
Well, we grew up and now we play fantasy football with strangers online and live in gated, deed-restricted communities where we pay an association to fine the shit out of us if our kids even try to build a treehouse.

We took a foundation forged from people like Teddy Roosevelt, Jackie Robinson and Amelia Earhart and used it to give the world Donald Trump, Alex Rodriguez and Sarah Palin.

I'm not saying kids today aren't worthless, coddled pussies; they are. I'm saying it's probably not their fault. I'm saying it's our fault, those of us who represent Generation Bullshit.

A rootin' tootin' shootin' candidate!

I'm sure she only looks constipated

Do you hate women? Are you tired of veteran benefits being taxed to fund military abortions performed by alien child molesters on imaginary homosexuals, or something? Don't like those slick members of congress with non-husky voices who don't wear blue jeans and cowboy boots, and don't consider The Rush Limbaugh Show to be "enormously influential"?? Of course you do, are and don't! Who doesn't, isn't and does?

Kay Daly is not the answer to all those rhetorical questions but she is the answer to all those problems!


Kay Daly has a plan to solve all the problems, you guys! And a giant-ass gun!
(After watching the video, I'm guessing the plan is to shoot all the problems with a giant-ass gun)
HELL YEAH!
Why not?
She's perfect!

Too bad she's completely unsuitable to actually occupy a position of leadership, though. You know, on account of her being fundamentally flawed by virtue of having a vagina (presumably).

A celebratory sale!

In an effort to express my appreciation for being selected as Creative Loafing's 2015 Readers Choice award winner for BEST BOOK BY A LOCAL AUTHOR, "A Ridiculously Inconsistent Treasury" will be on sale for just $8 (that's the minimum list price established by the publisher) for the next 25 days, in honor of Creative Loafing's Best of the Bay Awards 25th Anniversary.

Now officially an award-winning book!

"Brooks' content and style put him easily in a class with great story tellers like David Sedaris and Jean Shepherd." - PW Fenton

"If you like slightly warped views on the world, you will absolutely love this book." - 'Girl Next Door'

"This book is not funny. It's hilarious." - Alexandra Ackerman

"This is not a good project at all." - Susan Edwards, Hillsborough County Arts Council

"It's definitely fun" - Frankie Styles

"You've written some funny shit!" - Vivienne Brown

"It's eight bucks, for a limited time." - Me

Just click this link to order it from the CreateSpace store, or this one to order it from Amazon (WARNING: It might take a day or two for the discount to show up there, because computers are dumb. Check back or just go through CreateSpace because it's already live there.)

This is me saying Thank You for the award. This is also me trying to move some merch.

Something has happened... (conclusion)

In case you weren't able to surmise from the fiendishly subtle clues I left here Monday and Wednesday...

I won an award! 

Actually I won two awards. Specifically, 2015 Creative Loafing's "Best of the Bay" awards for "BEST BOOK BY A LOCAL AUTHOR" and "BEST LOCAL STAND-UP COMIC". In addition, I was a finalist for "BEST LOCAL BLOGGER" and "BEST LOCAL SPORTSWRITER". Not too bad! It's a little mystifying that I won for Best Comic, something I've been doing for nine months and not Best Blogger, which I've been working at for nine years. That's not sour grapes, just an observation. And it's not false modesty either; it's simply a fact that there are soooo many other comedians working in the area that deserve the recognition more than I do.

On the other hand, winning for best Book feels really, really nice, in light of some of the history behind it.

I'm fighting the urge to attend an Arts Council meeting.

I've been plugging for one of these things, with varying levels of enthusiasm, since 2009 and have never even come really close. I honestly never expected to actually win anything, believing there are people who win awards and there's the rest of us. And that's fine. Really, it is.

Although, I have to admit that recent events made me think there might be a chance that tides had turned... 

What happened this year? I have no idea. I made a couple of appeals for people to vote but I do that all the time. I voted for myself in each category exactly once. Not exactly a concentrated campaign strategy. But obviously somebody voted, either lots of somebodies or one somebody voting lots of times or both. Who knew it was even possible?? Doesn't matter to me, I'll take it!

WARNING! What follows is one brief paragraph of sourness that I just want to get off my chest regarding those who would suggest that I don't work hard enough to "deserve" recognition or are otherwise less than supportive:
You know what? Never mind. Not important, not productive, inappropriate and nobody cares. Nobody really "deserves" awards anyway. I honestly believe that if you're doing things right, and for the right reasons, the work itself really is a sufficient reward for doing it. Plus, I love everybody and we're all on journeys of our own and all that. Honestly. Best of luck with your line of moody-broody vampire romance novels or whatever it is you say you're working on. Regardless of what you think of me and mine, I sincerely hope you sell a ton of them shits. Seriously.

But enough already at some point, please? For the love of God? Because: Ugh.

Far more important and appropriate than all of that is my need to express thanks in immeasurable quantities to everybody who thought enough of what I present here to actually sit down and cast votes. Also, a special category of thanks to the team that helped me put the book together: Keri Ramos, Jessie Stehlik, Pavel Stehlik and Amy DeMilo.
I am deeply humbled, sincerely grateful and highly motivated to go out and work really hard in an effort to actually justify your support. While it's absolutely true and not some smarmy showbiz platitude to say that it's an honor just to be nominated, actually winning something is so much better than that. So THANK YOU! I love that we're all in love with each other and I can't wait for you to get me pregnant.

Something has happened... (part 2)

More accurately, something (apparently) will happen.
Tonight.
At this event:

More details forthcoming tomorrow...

Something has happened... (part 1)

This is a tease (and a big hint).
More details forthcoming on Wednesday...

REMINDER: Tonight!

This happens in a couple of hours...

High Class Poverty Tour

with Steven Lolli

And Tiffany Barbee, Tyler Horvath plus ME!

TONIGHT 8:00 PM

Carrollwood Cultural Center

4537 Lowell Rd.

Tampa 33618

Tickets range between $17 and $23 and are available by calling the Center at (813) 922-8167 or visiting CarrollwoodCenter.org.

Late addition to the show calendar

Monday night, I was doing the Spike on the Mic Show and I started getting a bunch of messages on my phone, all telling me that Steven Lolli wanted to get in touch with me. He's a comedian on a national tour who will be in town Friday night. We played a short game of phone tag and as it turns out, his host/opening act had a family emergency and wasn't available. Would I be interested in filling in? Of course I would! So now I'm a part of this...

I'm really looking forward to this. Carrollwood Cultural Center is a beautiful venue and my buddy Tyler Horvath is part of the show. Plus, I've never hosted an event before so this is an evolutionary step for me. But who cares about that? It should be a lot of fun for you so I hope you can make it out!

High Class Poverty Tour

with Steven Lolli

Friday September 18 8:00 PM

Carrollwood Cultural Center

4537 Lowell Rd.

Tampa 33618

Tickets range between $17 and $23 and are available by calling the Center at (813) 922-8167 or visiting CarrollwoodCenter.org.

That is not how it's done

I am neither a theological scholar nor a financial genius, but I'm almost positive that this is not how Jesus or money works. I yelled at a dollar bill for fifteen minutes yesterday, telling it to go find someone who could really use it right now, thinking that between Prophet Olaye George's command over money as some kind of ethereal concept and me yelling at this one particular dollar, that something might happen. It didn't budge. I didn't yell any commands at Jesus but I'm guessing I'd get the same result. Prophet Olaye George is full of shit.

You know, I used to say that people who fell for nonsensical scams perpetrated by thieves and charlatans are so stupid that they deserve whatever bad thing that inevitably happens as a result of their misguided "belief" (almost always being relieved of their money instead of acquiring more). But I realize that isn't really fair. I don't believe that anybody who is so overcome by some kind of difficulty that their desperate search for help anywhere they can find it results in completely unreasonable thinking and behavior deserves further punishment. I've never been that down and out but it's got to truly be a kind of hell on earth. Even if you feel those people have it coming, surely you can't support the concept of the scumbags who rip them off deserving to be rewarded.

No, those who prey on people's faith have had it too good for too long and the fact that we allow them to not only exist but to thrive (criminal activity and tax breaks??) speaks volumes about those of us who pride ourselves on being too smart to fall for crap like this. I'm not talking about the majority of churches, where people go to seek spiritual comfort and who will help you if your house burns down. Those people are fine and their institutions do good work that helps people.

These other fuckers, who would have the poor people who follow them buy them a Goddamned jet plane, need to be taken down. sooner than later.

Alpha as in the letter A, as in Alabama (and Aryan)

Come to Alabama (specifically the University of) and join just the whitest white girls ever doing all kinds of precious white things!

Eat popsicles!

Pretend to play football (WARNING: Some football players are Negroes)!

Giggle, lots!

Be pretty!

Glitter!

This is Alpha Phi!

(NOTE: The following is not a tampon and/or yogurt commercial)

Gosh, fraternities and sororities are such meaningful and worthwhile institutions!

Let's play "Where's Wanda?" (HINT: Wanda is black) (NOT SHOWN: Wanda)

Florida: Land of excitement!

There was a time when you'd see place mats with this kind of artwork in every diner in the state of Florida, touting all the exciting culture and activity there was to experience here in the land of sunshine.

There was also a time when Florida wasn't nearly as exciting and culturally active as it is today, such as when this particular artwork was used...

That's right. Some time before 1959, when Busch Gardens opened and Tampa was known primarily for "Spanish Resturants", apparently people used to flock to Lakeland to watch gentlemen in tuxedos shake hands.

This Kim Davis situation is actually pretty simple

“The court cannot condone the willful disobedience of its lawfully issued order. If you give people the opportunity to choose which orders they follow, that’s what potentially causes problems.” - United States Federal Judge David L. Bunning

Normally, I'm resistant to the proposal of simple solutions to controversial conflicts. There is always more than one side to a story and there are almost always several different degrees and various nuanced factors that deserve careful consideration, rendering simple solutions inadequate.

However, this whole thing with Kim Davis, the clerk of Rowan County in Kentucky, and her refusal to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples is not that difficult: she needs to resign.

This isn't about her religious beliefs, to which she is certainly entitled, regardless of what they are or how committed she is (or isn't) to any one established doctrine. It isn't about yours either, to which you are equally entitled. It's not even a straight or gay thing. At the heart of the matter, it's simply about her refusal to do her job, and as such, she needs to do the one and only right thing for all involved and quit.

As a county clerk in the state of Kentucky, she took the following oath when she was elected:

"I do solemnly swear (or affirm, as the case may be) that I will support the Constitution of the United States and the Constitution of this Commonwealth, and be faithful and true to the Commonwealth of Kentucky so long as I continue a citizen thereof, and that I will faithfully execute, to the best of my ability, the office of ——————— according to law; and I do further solemnly swear (or affirm) that since the adoption of the present Constitution, I, being a citizen of this State, have not fought a duel with deadly weapons within this State nor out of it, nor have I sent or accepted a challenge to fight a duel with deadly weapons, nor have I acted as second in carrying a challenge, nor aided or assisted any person thus offending, so help me God." - Section 228 of the Kentucky Constitution, oath of officers and attorneys

Okay, I'm not sure I understand the fixation on dueling, but whatever.

Still a big deal in Kentucky, apparently.

The point is, she is not upholding the oath she took upon entering office, in that she is not supporting the Constitution of the United States and is not faithfully executing the office to which she was elected according to law. She has a job to do and she's refusing to do it. It's as simple as that. Ultimately, all the circumstances surrounding the situation are irrelevant. She has a job to do and she's refusing to do it.

She's an elected official so she can't be fired per se, but the moral and ethical thing for her to do, on her own behalf and her stated commitment to this ideal, as well as the citizens she's supposed to be serving, is to resign.

Picture how this would play out in any other job situation:

SUPERVISOR: There have been some changes. I need you to add mopping the restroom to your daily responsibilities.
EMPLOYEE: I don't want to do that.
SUPERVISOR: Okay, but it's part of your job now, so...
EMPLOYEE: Well, I really don't want to do it, so I guess I quit.

People face dilemmas like that in the workplace all the time. If it's something you feel strongly about, whatever it is, quit! By all means, honor your religion. By all means, speak freely about it. But if you're being paid to do a job, especially if it's serving the public, either do that job or quit.

Recently, I've seen people attempt to draw a comparison between Davis and Rosa Parks, that this somehow equates to civil disobedience for the sake of correcting an injustice.
Please. Please just cut the shit. I shouldn't even have to illustrate this but...

• Rosa Parks was a private citizen who protested a city ordinance on the grounds that it was discriminatory and unjust. 
• Kim Davis is a government official attempting to use her position of authority to force people to adhere to certain tenets of her religion.

Kim Davis was elected to a position, and is being paid, to serve the public, not oppress it and she just needs to quit.

It really is just that simple.

Do you like sandwiches and jokes?

Thursday, September 3rd

Wicked Wiches

223 S. Howard Ave.

Tampa

SCHEDULED TO PERFORM:

Clark Brooks

Amanda Jordan

Rio Paris 

Ashley Strand

Jared Waters

Come on out!