Monday, January 26, 2015

Speaking of the lotto...

...which we were the other day. Remember?
Yes. Anyway.
I don't play the lotto. I don't have anything against playing. I'm not like those people who say things like, "the jackpot's only $7 million; I'll play when it's worthwhile". Got a clue for you: people who are wealthy enough as to be justified in saying things like "only $7 million" never play the lotto. Or, "why bother; the government takes half your winnings." So, I only get to keep $3.5 million more than I have now? I think I can let that slide. Go ahead, government. Do what you gotta do.
No, for me, I guess it's just one of many, many things I don't get around to.
Well, that, and when I do play, they do this to my tickets...
"Am I winner? I don't really know...KA-CHUNG! Oh wait, there it is. Nope."

Friday, January 23, 2015

Karma hates me, you, almost all of us

Have the good deeds you perform in life paid off in the form of unexpected good fortune lately?
Well, this guy won the lotto recently...
Pictured: a real winner
Hey, it's just pure, dumb luck
Good for him, right?

Gee, I wonder what he'll spend it on? Wait. No, I don't. I immediately rescind that wonder. Please do not visit upon my mind's eye any of the nice things rendered immediately horrifying by the circumstances of this individual case. 
Like a lifetime membership to Disney theme parks.
Thanks for nothin', Karma. 

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

What to do, what to do?

This happened on Tuesday...

Hillsborough deputies arrested a man who spotted someone with a gun, followed him into a Walmart, and tackled him. The problem? The man with the gun had a concealed weapons permit, and the man who rushed him didn't call 911 or alert store security.
According to the sheriff's office, Michael Foster, 43, saw Clarence Daniels, 62, in the Walmart parking lot with a gun holstered under his coat.
Foster followed Daniels into the store, put him in a choke-hold and brought him to the ground, the sheriff's office said. He then started yelling that Daniels had a gun.
A struggle ensued, with Daniels yelling that he had a permit. Security detained both men until deputies arrived.
They confirmed Daniels had a permit for the gun, and arrested Foster.
He is charged with one count of battery. - (FOX 13)

..and I'm a little confused.
Following the massacre of 20 children and six adults at Sandy Hook Elementary School in 2012, National Rifle Association (NRA) CEO Wayne LaPierre announced that “the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun”. Okay. I'm capable of grasping the extremely simplistic "logic" behind that philosophy: good guys = good, bad guys = bad. But it leaves behind what seem to me to be perfectly reasonable questions. Let's assume that Foster thought that Daniels and his gun were up to no good and that he wasn't making some kind of asinine anti-gun statement as suggested by severely paranoid comments like this:
"Now they are outright attacking gun owners. Between this and them calling the police, hoping to get the gun owners shot it seems they are waging war on us." - Eduardo Blanco

"Those idiots on lots of anti gun groups have talked like this for a long time. Never thought one of them would actually do it. Dude is entirely lucky he's alive right now, and only probably because he attacked an old man. What a coward" - David Gullickson

"Florida suffers from too many people from the northeast. They move there and expect everyone there to be programed like them. In Florida you can carry a gun concealed. It doesn't make you a bad guy to be armed and it sure as hell doesn't make you a hero when you stick your nose in someone else' business. Like pretty much everyone else has said, the idiot is luck he isn't dead." - Christopher Kafir

"Great story, I would hire an attorney too and look at increased charges as well. It would have been tough not to pull the trigger on this guy! Now his Dumb ASS would have been shot dead for attaching me..." - Anthony Bagozzi

"Don't attach me, bro!"

So are people with guns the only ones who are capable of sticking their noses in someone else's business determining who the bad guys are? What if you're a good guy and for whatever of thousands of possible reasons, you don't happen to be carrying a gun when you spot somebody who may or may not be planning to do something bad in a store or a school or a movie theater?
If tackles are outlawed, only football teams will have tackles.

If Foster had been legally licensed to carry a firearm and had one on him, would he have been within his rights to draw on Daniels and demand to see his license or otherwise attempt to determine his intentions? Would Daniels, with someone holding him at gunpoint, then have been within his rights to invoke a "stand your ground" defense and open fire on Foster?
"This discount department store ain't big enough for the both of us."
I guess the only question I really need answered is where is the best place to hide (I'd prefer a location that provides cover and concealment, please) while you assholes figure this stuff out?

Tuesday, January 20, 2015


I honestly don't know how much of a crossover there is between who reads this blog and who listens to The Spike On The Mic Show, either live or recorded. It might be a lot, it might not be any. At any rate, something came up on last night's (1/19/15) show that I hadn't planned on sharing publicly and for the benefit of those who heard it and are left wondering about it...

I've started doing stand-up comedy.

It's been something I've kept off the radar because I am still very much a novice and need A LOT of work. As with the book and everything else I do or have done, I prefer to have something in working order and with a certain level of polish before springing it on people and this is not quite there yet. It's going pretty well, though. I'm getting LOLZ and I see improvement with each subsequent performance. Established comics with years of experience, especially my pal Tony Gaud, have been very supportive and provided positive feedback. But there remains much more (I can't emphasize that more; Blogger only offers Bold, Italicize and Underline functions for that) to be done. To that end, I'm hitting open mics all over the area, including as far south as Bradenton and Sarasota, every night of the week that I'm not working or otherwise committed. I'm kind of exhausted and am frequently unable to tell which day of the week it is without looking at a calendar (the other day, I was told I look hung over; I took it as a compliment because I wasn't), but hard work is the only way to get good at something. 
So, that's what's happening and now you know.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Pull 'em over

This happened the other day. The truck part is real, the dialogue is made-up...

"Good afternoon, sir. Do you know why I pulled you over?"
"No sir, I honestly don't."
"There's a certain decorative object displayed at the rear of the vehicle, sir."
"Ohhh, my TruckNutz."
"Yes. Your... TruckNutz."
"Yep! Ha ha!"
"Funny! For a minute. Eight years ago."
"Oh. I'm sorry. Are they illegal? I wasn't sure."
"I have no idea. But they are tacky and stupid and for that, I'm issuing you a citation."
"Wait a minute. I think they're funny!"
"No. No, they aren't."
"Humor is subjective."
"Ehhhhh, kinda..."
"Well, what about my first amendment rights? Free speech, free expression or whatever?"
"Really, sir? What is it you're expressing here?"
"Umm, masculinity?"
"Go on."
"That's it. I'm a male and I'm driving a big, masculine truck and I'm proud of my masculinity. That's what I'm expressing."
"If that's the case, then proportionately speaking, shouldn't the faux scrotum, or faux-tum, be much larger?"
"I mean, if we're looking at the scale of things with the size of the vehicle, it's a very, very, very small sack of pretend testicles."
"I guess that's... say, what bureau of law enforcement do you represent anyway?"
"I'm not a police officer. I'm a comedian."

Friday, January 16, 2015

Whom To Hate This Week - pizza delivery guy vs used car dealers edition

The service industry is generally defined as "made up of companies that primarily earn revenue through providing intangible products and services." But as all-encompassing as that sounds, it's still pretty narrow. The fact of the matter is that everybody who deals with customers works in the service industry, which means just everybody. From time to time, those of us who work in the service industry (aka everybody) have unpleasant interactions with customers. Generally, we try to give them the benefit of a doubt. As ill-tempered or downright rude as they might be, on a primal human being level we still want to believe that they're basically good people who maybe aren't sure about what they actually want or need, or that maybe they're having a bad day. We don't want to believe that they're irredeemable assholes by nature, and we certainly don't want to believe that they're amusing themselves or otherwise being gratified by treating us badly. Because that would make them these people...

Yep, that would make them worthless scumbags sitting around a used car dealer's office, harassing a pizza delivery guy, up to and including threatening to get him fired and with physical assault....over $7.

Thankfully, most customers are not these people. These people work for F&R Auto Sales of Westport, Massachusetts (or "Effin Ahhh" if you live nearby). Their address is 1052 State Rd
Westport, MA 02790 and their phone number is (508) 678-3208. Do not call them every 15 minutes and try to order a pizza because after six or seven times, they will threaten to call the cops on you... at least that's what someone told me...someone else, not me...allegedly.

Also, here's what their Yelp page looks like after word of this incident hit the internet:

"Any place that treats another human like they did deserves to go out of business. Period. Secondly, a used car dealership that audio records itself without consent of parties involved is liable for prosecution at least in my state." 

"Treat people who work for a living like utter crap.  The lardass who says "Im gonna have his job" doesnt need the pizza anyway.  Feel bad for the jackle that lets his sweaty behind crawl on top.  Dude is heinous."

"The people that work here disgust me.  Sadly they appear too stupid to realize how ashamed of themselves they should be."

Don't feel bad; it didn't look so hot before:

"If I could rate it a -100 stars I would. LIES, UNPROFESSIONAL, RUDE, CONDESCENDING. Those are just the nicest of the words I can list for these individuals. Really liked the car but dealt with nothing but lies from Chris their dealer to condescending talk from their unprofessional manager who " Ok Kaitlyned" me constantly. I am now looking into the laws because how do they sell a car and now magically don't have a title for me after taking the CASH which I paid for the car with out of my bank account. They are big scammers from lies about fixing things on my car, to breaking things after i paid for them and not taking responsibility in fixing them, to no title. I would google their reviews because you wont see anything but negative comments and NEVER go there if you want a less stressful experience and honest experience."  - March 6, 2013

"Don't EVER come here. They're a bunch of crooks and will do anything to keep your money and not give it back! My bf put a deposit on a car that's he was going to finance (Chris was the "associate" ) ... A few days later my bf dad called and told him he'd buy him a car so we'd have to go get the deposit back. So I called the dealership since my bf was at work and I told them ( Joe, "manager" ) the situation and the he told me he would write us a check and mail it. One week went by and I never received the check so I called him back and he says it got sent to the wrong zip code ( like, HELLO everything should be on file ) so he told me to wait another week so i did, still no check. I called Joe and he said that'd he'd call me back and he NEVER did so I called him for another two days. I told him that I've been waiting for a check for two weeks and he keeps telling me he's going to get back to me and never does so I want the check today, I swore up and down at him and told him that they shouldn't consider themselves a dealership but a bunch of crooks and right then he told me to pick up the check , well that was easy !!!! And when I went there they asked for no ID, no receipt, no nothing !!!! I could've stole my bfs money and it would've been their fault. These jerks don't know what they're doing. They look like thugs and drug dealers dressed up in suits! BEWARE!!!!!" - May 11, 2013

Of course, a lot of people are calling for all these people to be fired, but I'm not sure that's the best solution. Shitty people working for what appears to be a historically shitty company. Seems like it might be a good idea to keep them all exactly where they are forever and ever, having to exist with each other while struggling to eke out meager commissions for the rest of their pitiful lives. That way they're not scattered to the four winds, eventually landing with other companies that they would undoubtedly ruin with their shittiness. I don't know. We can't kill 'em. The next best thing is containing the shittiness as much as possible.

Also, don't feel too bad for the delivery guy, whose name is Jarrid Tansey. He's going to be just fine.

But at least now you know Whom to Hate This Week.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Bit killers

There are people out there who think their mission in life is to make things that are already inherently funny funnier, often doing so by offering far more exposition than necessary.
Those people are wrong.
Those people are what are known as "Bit Killers".
Bit Killers are, maybe not terrible people, but they're at least... misguided. But they are terrible and they do ruin life.
Here's an example of how the terrible Bit Killers ruin life...

My friend Carlos is pretty good at finding funny stuff, like this photo he posted on Facebook recently. He put it out there with a simple caption, because the photo itself is the joke. 20+ people recognized that and expressed their approval by "Liking" it.
That's not enough for the Bit Killer. The Bit Killer can't  resist the siren's call of that blank box at the bottom and is compelled to fill it in with words, meeting the non-existent demand to explain/enhance this joke...

Yes, Bit Killer. Yes they are.
Bit. Killed.
lol indeed.