I'm back...and with solid-gold backing!

Trust us!

Hello everyone.
As you may be aware, I have been away from the keyboard for a while. It’s nice to be back. I hope everyone was okay while I was away. It was about a week and a half but it seems much, much longer. You wouldn’t expect things to change in such a relatively short time, but they always, always, always do. For example, apparently this very blog has a new sponsor; a company called Runescape Gold. I know this because they posted 18 comments to previously published articles here between 4:37 am and 5:42 am this past Saturday! Comments like this:

“This kind of post continues to be a little bit of a revelation if you ask me.” –posted to ‘Hateny’

And this:

“I will be thus pleased this specific world wide web thing functions along with your post genuinely solved the problem. Normally takes you up on that will property advice you” – posted to ‘Dicks can’t drive’

And this:

“I recently stumbled on your current report and also have been recently reading through together. I would like to express my love of your respective writing skill along with ability to help make viewers go through right away for the conclusion. I have to read modern content Buy Runescape Gold and talk about my thoughts along. “ – posted to ‘The mark of true professionalism!’

Who would go to all the trouble of parsing together a bunch of nouns and verbs and adjecadabras into something that kind of resembles sentences (well, not the kind spoken by someone who hadn’t had a garage door slammed on their head, but still, sentence-y-esque) if they didn’t have a stake in the enterprise? After all, only some utterly irredeemable ASSHOLE would just co-opt someone's space for the sake of advertising their own goods and services without even offering some form of compensation. So yeah, it looks like I have a corporate sponsor. That’s the kind of thing you’d think I’d know about firsthand, but I guess I missed the memo I was supposed to send to myself.


And while there’s been no exchange of money yet (at least on my end), comments on blog posts aren’t proper advertisements for such a fine business as Runescape Gold. So I went ahead and put something together for them that’s a little more appropriate. Gee, I sure hope they like it!

Here now to for buying the gold of purpose we are. Who?

Runescape Gold!

Who else?
A benefit. A reputable company. Normal guys, who sell, buy and sell the gold and almost never make rapes sometimes!

For you, too? Why not of course!

Satisfied makes? Then good!

Give us then to it? Feel sure!

Hear now is when a celebrity speaks:


American reality TV superstar! Heed his advise!

 “Hi, I’m Jerry Sandusky, disgraced former football coach and the worst person in the world that you’re currently aware of. When I’m not ruining the reputation of a respected institution of higher learning and its athletic department, feasting sexually on children or otherwise being horrible in some way that we don't even know about yet, I’m probably the kind of tool who would do business with a company like Runescape Gold.
Runescape Gold: the official gold broker of reprehensible kiddy-diddlers and all-around scum...like me!”

Hiatus extended

Looks like I need a little more time to deal with the stuff with which I am dealing. How much more time? I have no idea. Time is the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole. I'm not sure I know what that means. All I know for sure is two things; one, that I need more of it (that's where the indefinite part comes in, I guess) and two, I will be back. Soon as I know when, you will too.
A such, this might be the only post this week. Or not. Check back on Monday. If there's nothing there, try Wednesday and then again on Friday. I know that's a pain in the ass and I'm sorry. I'd respectfully ask that you grant me this indulgence and that you not give up on me, please. Or do. Whatever suits your whims. I try not to take that shit personally but I make no promises.

In the meantime, these people will serve some LOLZ up for you. Grab yourself a spoon and dig in (metaphorically, so to speak...which is redundant).

• F (STOP)
• The Food Of Jeff!
• MikeLortz.com/JordiScrubbings.com
• Marissology part deux
• Original Thoughts of an Unoriginal Thinker
• Out in Left Field
• ronnyelliott
• RottenMom
• Rupe's Value Added Services
• The World Of Jeff!

Revisiting Carol's Corner (part 3)

(Note: I have been taking a brief hiatus to deal with a personal matter and plus I am was out of LOLZ anyway. So I've taken this opportunity to re-run some previously published items submitted by my mom. I hope you enjoyed it. Otherwise, new fart jokes coming your way again next Monday. -- C)

Grocery Stores (June 16, 2009)
(Something my mom and I have in common; we see weird things happen in grocery stores...)
Today on my lunch hour I decided to go to the local grocery store which is right around the corner. It is a locally owned small chain on the order of Florida’s Publix. I only got 3 items so I went to the quick check out lane. As I am approaching the counter I see a man with a big cardboard box on the counter. I get next to him and see that he is buying a chain saw!! Now, this is just a grocery store chain not a mega store like WalMart. Of course they also had whole boneless ribeyes at $4.99 a pound. Maybe the idea is to get a whole ribeye and the chainsaw so you can go home and slice your own steaks. OK I understand now.
On my way home from work there is a Kroger store which I stop at also. They send out a weekly flier and last year they had a sale on Lean Cuisine dinners. Now the problem I had with this one is that if you bought 10 of the frozen dinners you got ½ gallon of ice cream for free. Isn’t that defeating the whole purpose?
I lead a pretty boring life. I guess that most of my excitement seems to come from the simple task of grocery shopping. Well, I guess we get our thrills where we can.

Revisiting Carol's Corner (part 2)

(Note: I am taking a brief hiatus to deal with a personal matter and plus I am currently out of LOLZ anyway. So I'm going to take this opportunity to re-run some previously published items submitted by my mom. I hope you enjoy. -- C)





Hooked on Phonics (May 26, 2009)

Here's my mom again. I think she's starting to like blogging. It's a healthy way to express your frustrations. I'll bet she wishes she'd had a blog when I was a kid, ha ha!! (shaddup) I told her she can chime in whenever she wants so I'll be listing all her contributions under "Carol's Corner". I'm calling it that because I'm an adult now and I can use the given name of my parents if I want to. Now I have to go because I think I hear one of the cats chewing on my wind-up robot dinosaur.


Hey, it's Clark's mom again and I really need to vent. Clark said I could write anytime so I figured that this is the perfect place.


One day last week I need to fill my gas tank. I pull up to the pumps, get out and find a hand printed sign on the pump saying:


Incert credit card exactly like the picture.


What??


A few years back I saw the following sign in the window of another gas station:


No personal checks accepted. No acceptions.


I work in an automotive manufacturing plant and this winter over one of the men's rooms doors was the sign:


Plese wipe feet.


The thing that really bothered me about this one is that I mentioned it to at least two dozen other people and none of them even noticed the spelling. How can you NOT notice it? These things scream out to me when I see them. I guess that both correct spelling and just being observant are now things of the past.


Okay, I feel better now.

Revisiting Carol's Corner (part 1)

(Note: I am taking a brief hiatus to deal with a personal matter and plus I am currently out of LOLZ anyway. So I'm going to take this opportunity to re-run some previously published items submitted by my mom. I hope you enjoy. -- C)


Happy Mothers Day (May 8, 2009) 


In keeping with a longstanding American tradition of children giving their moms nothing of actual value for a gift on Mothers day, I am turning this space over to me own dear mum. Ladies and gentlemen, the first guest blogger in the history of this site and also the first woman to ever give birth to me, my mom...


Hi, my name is Carol Brooks and I have the privilege of being Clark's mom. I live in Mishawaka, IN and ship military HUMVEES all over the world for a living. Clark has given me a chance to take over his blog for Mothers Day. Just my chance to get even with him and tell you a few tales about his growing up.


He has a younger sister, Connie. When they were little he had her convinced that she was adopted. He had her so convinced that I had to take her to our library and show her the old local newspaper with the announcement of the birth of a baby girl to Mr & Mrs Brooks on her birthday. He also has a cousin, Mary Beth, whom the family calls "MB". Of course he wasn't happy with that name so he changed MB to "monkey breath". Where did I go wrong?


When he was in grade school I got a call from the teacher about the joke he was telling his classmates: What word starts with F and ends with UCK? His answer: firetruck. What could I say, he was right.


And yes, he really does have an aunt, Joan, and she used to drive a minivan. She knows how Clark feels about minivan drivers so just last week she got rid of hers and now drives a Saturn.


Over the years it has really been an experience raising Clark. I'm not sure the job is done yet. In the middle of winter he loves to call me and complain about how warm it is in Florida! But in the long run he really was a good kid and a heck of a lot of fun with one of the greatest senses of humor of anyone I know. I am proud to be his mom.


And I'm proud to be your sonny boy, mom. Happy Mothers Day. I love you.


PS: I remain unconvinced that Connie is not adopted.

The best bad show not on tv

If you're a person who uses the internet (and if you aren't, one of us is doing something wrong as you shouldn't be able to read this right now), at least half your time is probably spent doing research on the past. A good site to find wacky/creepy retro items is The Kitsch Bitch. They have a page on Facebook too. Go there (later, after you read this) and relive some horrifyingly hilarious haute couture history.
A while back, Laura Douglas, the lovely beloved of Mr. Jeff Hickmott (whom you may remember as a guest contributor here during the last two Guest Author Months) tagged a godawful photo from some long-fogotten catalog with mine and Jeff's names. Well, I can't have a photo with my name attached to it on the internet without offering some sort of comment or explanation, so I did. And so did Jeff. I guess this amused Laura because she keeps doing it...and we keep commenting. Our pal Michael Noble (who may or may not have done a guest spot or two here too) has also been drawn into the silliness now. And to be totally honest, the fault for it all lies squarely at the feet of Marissa Rapier (also a guest contributor) for connecting everyone in the first place. At any rate, it's sort of bcome a thing, with the ongoing theme of scenes taken from a '70s buddy cop show that didn't quite make it on the air (if Quentin Tarantino is reading this, I'm sure we can work something out as far as publi$hing right$ is concerned). 
But regardless of whose fault it is (Marissa's), posted below are the photos and the accompanying commentary.
Enjoy.

 Clark: This is me and Jeff Hickmott relaxing after we solve crimes. You should see our car!

Jeff: This is me and my fellow crimefighter Clark Brooks relaxing after we've solved all the crime downtown.
Clark: I remember this! It was after we busted that banana smuggling ring down at the docks. "And we'd have gotten away with it, if not for Jeff Hickmott and Clark."
Jeff: That's right Clark, not forgetting the help of our wheelman Michael Noble.
Michael: I remember this! You guys wouldn't let me in the photo because you said my Speedo wasn't "shiny" enough (*cough, cough*) and I would "detract" from the overall look of the photo if I was in it. (*That* was a crock ...) Personally?...I think the dazzling cut of my jib would have improved the ambiance of the image, but ... you know, as I've mentioned to others before: "Clark and Jeff need their egos stroked without my glowing self overtaking them each and every time we get together. They sometimes have fragile constitutions and I don't want to trample on their sometimes 'delicate sensibilities' ..." No harm, no foul, guys...
Jeff: Like, what-everrr, Michael...And Clark, I think it was a budgie smuggling ring if I remember rightly?
Michael: Unreal. You're *still* jealous ...
Laura Douglas: I love you guys.
Clark: No Jeff, I'm pretty sure it was bananas. Or maybe plantains. And Michael, I don't know why we need to know about the cut of your jib. Your religious upbringing is none of our business.
Michael: Clark is doubly jealous!
Marissa: ‎...and to think I was responsible for the union of the trio *face plant*
Laura: Sorry Jeff Hickmott, but now that you have had your Christmas lunch you may have to avoid the shiny speedos.

Laura: My three favourite crime fighters.
Jeff: Matching uniforms and all!
Clark: I couldn't figure out why everybody is different sizes in this picture but then I remembered that this was that case where Michael Noble went undercover as a ventriloquist and Jeff Hickmott served as his dummy. I believe we called it "It Takes A Dummy".
Michael: I remember this! It was the first time - no ... the *second* time! - I met up with Jeff. He kept on trying to trip me up about his last name, playing silly little games about it. "Hackmouth." "Hickleberry." "Honkmeth." "Hiccups-alot." And,... at the very end, he almost had me convinced it was really "Hickeys By Mouth." (But *that's* another story.) Anyway ... it was a ruckus. Jeff kept screwing up my undercoveredness by responding and talking out of turn as The Dummy. It was bad ... bad ...I think Clark put him up to it, but I don't have proof. The only good thing? We got to keep the clothes. (I still have mine, wear the shirt on occasion and play with the zipper. The trousers no longer fit ...) And that "hemmed to your exact inseam" ... ??? The dude that did the hemming? His name was Lester The Letch.

Jeff: Here's me with Clark Brooks and Michael Noble, in cunning disguise as the Jason King triplets!
Clark: Yes, I had to stand in the middle because that scarf made people so angry, they wanted to beat me up.

Clark Brooks Ah, another from the crime fighting files of me, Michael Noble and Jeff Hickmott. This particular episode was titled either "Tu-nic's Company, Three's a Crowd" or "Pancho No Get-o the Memo". This case involved going undercover to bust a black market operation that was using an intramural sports program on an indian reservation to smuggle yarn.

Proof that there is something wrong with me

meme/mēm/
Noun:  1.An element of a culture or behavior that may be passed from one individual to another by nongenetic means, esp. imitation.



2.An image, video, etc. that is passed electronically from one Internet user to another.

I love memes. They're my favorite source of organic, spontaneous comedy. Yesterday, I was exploring the meme involving online customer reviews when I saw something that made me laugh so hard that I was incapacitated. I mean, side-ache, unable to breathe, tears in my eyes, the whole thing. You know, that thing that happens to everyone from time to time, usually during the time around infancy to the time around age 13 or so.
I'm 47.
The bad part? I was at work.
The worse part? I couldn't stop looking at it; every time I calmed down enough to regain my composure, I had to look at it again.
The even-worse-than-that part? I doubt anyone finds it even remotely as funny as I did.
At any rate. here it is. Judge me if you must...

At least 500X more hilarious than any episode of "Whitney"

The absolute rock-bottom worst part? It still has that effect on me. I can barely type this.
I may have to get one (just the mask) for myself.

Here's a link to the sale page for the horse mask on Amazon.com. Read the reviews. For added fun, take a shot every time you see a reference to Sarah Jessica Parker.