Sunday, April 13, 2014

Blog hiatus update (blame hockey edition)

The Tampa Bay Lightning clinched their slot in the NHL Playoffs and will open the first round at home against the Montreal Canadiens on Wednesday. I already said I was going to take a break from this little ol' purple blog now adding the extra dimension of trying to stay on top of things with the extra busy business at work and with covering the team for Raw Charge would make that extremely challenging. I don't really care for challenges. So how about this: let's just say the blog is closed until the Lightning's season is over, whenever that happens to be. How about that? That way we'll all be able to keep track on an expected return. Plus, here's another reason to hate sports, if you're so inclined. I'll try to pop in now and then but no promises and you can't be mad at me because we already said the blog is closed. Fair is fair.
If you want to follow along, please do so at I'll be there often and we can say hi and flirt with each other and maybe get a little handsy over there (when nobody's watching, of course; family show, think about the kids). Also the fun and games with the Spike on the Mic Show should continue (every Monday night at 7pm). So it's not like I'm gone gone. But until we see each other again,

Friday, April 11, 2014

Sorry folks, blog's closed (again)

We'll be back soon. There's some internal and external maintenance that needs to be done. Soon as that's cleared up, we'll go from there. Cool?
In the meantime, if you're looking for something funny, go listen to the podcast posted Monday. Seriously, that shit is funny.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014


"Naw bro, check it out. Like, I totally respect your tribe or whatever but this imbecilic, grinning, red-skinned, bug-eyed, feather-wearing caricature is, like, part of our proud heritage as baseball fans. And that's what you don't understand; it's about our heritage, something deeper than the surface symbolism of it all. If anything, it's, like, a tribute to you and your people, you know? So, like, are we cool, bro?"  

Monday, April 07, 2014

All about camping

It's podcast time again and on this edition (sponsored by the Baby Corn Growers Association of America), we cover a lot of manly ground. My guests Steve Ericson and P.W. Fenton and I go over the necessary logistics in planning a successful camping trip. You ladies and less-than-manly fellas might not appreciate it, but you should listen anyway because you might learn something and learning is good for you. So check it out.

Also, don't forget, you can subscribe via iTunes!

Thanks, Baby Corn Growers Association of America!
NOTE: Podcast is available on iTunes, Baby corn is (currently) not.

Friday, April 04, 2014

Endangered species?

My friend and former classmate Gayle thought of a fun way to celebrate her father's birthday: a card bombing.

"Hey...I know a lot of you know or remember my Dad. Well, he's turning 85 on April 6. We are having a family party in Madison, WI. But I would like to 'card bomb' him for his birthday! He was a pastor, city commissioner and major sports fan in Benton Harbor (the guy with the cow bell at all the BHHS basketball and football games). He is also the best Dad a person could have.. If you'd like to join in the fun, just send me a message and I'll give you his address."

Sounded like fun so I said I'd be happy to participate. Besides, what better cards to receive than the tacky postcards that come out of Florida? No problem!
Except there was a problem: apparently, tacky Florida postcards are no longer as available as they used to be. I would have sworn that most retail stores and more than a few restaurants have a spinning wire rack filled with 6" x 4.25" works of tacky "art", often with illustrations and/or jokes from the 1950s but that is not the case, at least anymore. I don't think my memory is faulty in this regard. I'm positive that was the case not that long ago but at some point, they disappeared. I went to two different drug store chains and neither one had them. Denny's doesn't have them. The gift shop at the arena where I work, a magnet for tourists, doesn't have them. I eventually found some at a WalMart. They occupied about 1/4 of a rack that had refigerator magnets and key chains. This is all that's left of Florida's tacky trinket industry, one single display rack at a major retailer? Was it that long ago that entire shops existed, stocked from floor to ceiling with tee-shirts, rubber alligators, sequin-bedazzled seashells and about a million postcards? Where did they go and what's responsible for their demise? I'm sure the ability to take high-quality photos with most cell phones is partially responsible. The fact that people don't mail things very much is probably a factor too. But is that it? Is it possible that we have evolved to the point where our tastes are so much more refined that cheap, shoddy novelties with virtually no real value have been rendered obsolete?
Yeah, that's probably it.

Monday, March 31, 2014

I'm not God

Due to the inherent quirkiness that is a professional sports schedule, after not having a home game on a Monday all season, this past month the Tampa Bay Lightning played three in a row. As a result, I was unable to participate in the Spike On The Mic Show for those three weeks. Last week, in my absence, my friend and co-star P.W. Fenton announced on the show that I am God. He was doing a comedy bit, of course. I'm pretty sure he doesn't believe in God and I'm certain that he doesn't believe that I am He.

Let me put to rest any and all doubts (as though there are any): I am not God. I am not even a god, let alone the God.

Being a demigod might be cool, though
It was just for fun, but it made me uncomfortable. Not in a "Ye shall be smited down for thy acts of heresy and blasphemy" way. I don't really believe in that kind of thing, largely due to the fact that there are so many un-smited people running around and committing truly heinous acts in His name. No, it made me uncomfortable in a "what if somebody doesn't think P.W. is kidding and they start worshiping me as they're lord and savior?" way. Hey, it could happen. There are always handfuls of people who can be easily convinced to believe the most stupid things.
Sometimes, a few is more than enough
I think most of us have fantasized about being omnipotent. I know I have. And after running through all the scenarios in my head, I know I wouldn't want it in real life. After making all my enemies suffer and healing all the sick animals, what's left would be a huge pain in the ass. For all its flaws and drawbacks, this universe does not deserve a God as lazy as I am. Can you even imagine the demands and expectations? People all over the planet, most of whom I'm sure I don't like even though I've never met them, wanting stuff, asking for things and getting mad at me when things don't go their way. Ugh. God has a hard job. I have an easy one (at least by comparison) and that suits me fine.I mean, people I don't like want stuff, ask me for things and get mad at me when things don't go their way, but it's manageable in that there are no lives at stake.
That's the other thing. My threshold for pain and suffering is way too low to even think about filling God's shoes for anything other than completely selfish purposes. This past weekend after learning about the so-called "Instant Karma" road rage incident (the driver was engaging in just as much unsafe driving as the protagonist and is at least as much of an asshole), SELF magazine ridiculing a woman for wearing tutus when she runs in marathons (They apologized when they found out she's a cancer survivor but where does a magazine that touts itself as a resource for women seeking to improve themselves get off on criticizing any healthy, harmless activity that a woman enjoys, regardless of that woman's cancer status? Go fuck yourSELF, SELF) and finally, learning that somebody ran over my friend's five-month-old puppy in front of his children and didn't even bother to stop and I felt like crawling into bed for a week (I pretty much did exactly that for a day and a half). Drought, famine, war and disease on a global scale? Way beyond my ability to even comprehend, let alone address.

So no, I'm not God, and I sincerely thank Whomever is for that.