Cops don't like drunk drivers, no mercy to spare.
I mumbled "Izzit NewYear?" They said "Dude, you're too late."
Hi. My name is Clark and this is my blog. My intent is to entertain and I'd like this to be more than "Clark And What Pisses Him Off" (although there will definitely be some of that) so I'll be posting some short humorous fiction as well. I hope you like it. WARNING: Sometimes I will cuss. And I will also embellish facts (ie: lie) in the interest of making things funnier than they really are. Just so you know.
Think about it. The official holiday season starts with Thanksgiving, ends with Happy New Years* and includes all the festivities in between. Yet, the music is completely dominated by Christmas songs. There are a few Hanukkah songs and Kwanzaa songs (no Thanksgiving songs, though, because it's impossible to sing when you're planted on the couch in a gravy-induced coma while the athletic pageantry of Detroit Lions football drones on in the background) but other than "We Wish You A Merry Christmas", in which Happy New Years* gets mentioned one time to every three times for Merry Christmas, the only song there is for Happy New Years* is "Auld Lang Syne", which can only be played once. And that's at exactly 12:00:01 on January 1st. If you miss it then, you have to wait until we take a whole 'nother lap around the sun.
Not only is there only one Happy New Years* song, there's really only one Happy New Years* musician, Guy Lombardo, and he's been dead for over 30 years. That's some serious exclusivity there. Not bad for a Canadian, eh? Even if Elvis had been successful in his effort to have his pal Richard Nixon launch the Beatles in a rocket aimed directly into the sun, he still wouldn't have had the rock 'n roll market sewn up like Guy Lombardo. The only other musician who has made a career out of one friggin' song and been at least somewhat culturally significant is Chubby Checker. Well, and Lipps Inc of course.
I think there's room for an industrious, creative new performer to grab at least a share of that very precise and particular spotlight. It'll take hard work and dedication, but the potential payoff could be huge. Think about it, Happy New Years* is not hindered by cultural boundaries like race and religion. Even Chinese people who won't celebrate the end of The Year Of The Rat until February will still be happy to acknowledge and celebrate the end of The Years Of The Ass without worrying about betraying their heritage. And the timing really couldn't be better, because THIS year, people are more eager to embrace new things than ever before; new leadership, new economic strategies, new episodes of "Lost". Strike while the iron is hot! is what I always say when I heckle blacksmiths.
It's all there, baby, a low-hanging plumb for the picking.
* The correct name of the holiday is Happy New Years and it should always be represented as such. In the photo, Mr. Lombardo is expressing amusement at a faulty balloon that somehow slipped past quality control and made it all the way to the big time at the Waldorf=Astoria grand ballroom. Shortly after this picture was taken, Mr. Lombardo burst the balloon with a lit cigarette which he extinguished by grinding it into the forehead of the hotel's banquet manager, a man whose effeminate manner had offended Lombardo in previous dealings. Later that night, he had that man fired for the unfortunate gaffe, then drove to the man's mother's home and made love to her while two members of his Royal Canadiens forced the man to watch. So say it correctly, you.
There's no "let's go out and, who knows, maybe we'll hit it off" category. I guess ambiguity isn't all that important on a site where so many people are seeking that perfect fully-functional transsexual dominatrix.
So, left to my own devices (as it were), I picked "strictly platonic" and wrote my ad:
Ok, here's the deal: I have two tickets to see the Buccaneers play the Oakland Raiders this Sunday but I don't have anyone to go with me. It's the holidays and I would like to spend some time in the company of an attractive and intelligent woman with a sense of humor. That's all. Well, maybe we could go get chicken wings or something afterwards. There are some minimum compatibility standards (football games last several hours; no point in pursuing this if we're going to make each other miserable, right?)
* You should be a Bucs fan.
* You should not be an actively involved member of any religious cults. At least not any that routinely engage in ritual sacrifice.
* If you have pets, you should not be constantly dressing them up in silly costumes and taking pictures of them (this one is actually a pretty good rule to follow in life beyond this particular outing).
That's really it. If those standards aren't too high and you think this might be how you'd like to spend a Sunday afternoon, please write and we'll see where it goes from here. I'll be happy to honestly answer any and all questions you might have. Thanks!
"The analysis indicates that the author of http://clarkjbrooks.blogspot.com/ is of the type: ESTP - The Doers
The active and play-ful type. They are especially attuned to people
and things around them and often full of energy, talking, joking and
engaging in physical out-door activities. The Doers are happiest with
action-filled work which craves their full attention and focus. They might be very impulsive and more keen on starting something new than following it through. They might have a problem with sitting still or remaining inactive for any period of time."
"Clark’s a character.
There we go, I said it. I went right to the point of Ridiculously Inconsistent Trickle of Consciousness: Clark Brooks is a character and worth your time..."
It is a privilege to inform you that you are being considered
for inclusion into the 2009/2010 Princeton Premier Honors Edition Registry.
This recognition is an honor shared by only the most accomplished professionals who have demonstrated excellence within their careers and communities.
Inclusion into the Princeton Premier global network is
considered a benchmark of achievement. Once accepted, your successes are documented and preserved for all time in the hardcover registry, which is distributed throughout the world.
There is no cost to be included in the registry. Simply complete your application form and submit it within five business days to be considered for publication.
You may access our application form using the following link:
On behalf of the entire Princeton Premier community, best wishes for continued success.
"Ewww! Well, look at him!", you're saying right about now.
That's right, haters. I'm being considered! For inclusion this time. That means they're paying some consideration to including me. In case you didn't already know, inclusion is a very exclusive thing. They don't consider just anybody for inclusion. For one thing, you've got to have a functional email address. Those are not a dime a dozen, although most of them are free. Then, you have to be able to click on a link and fill out a form. Many people might be able to do one or the other. Do you know anybody who can do both? They might be 2009/2010 Princeton Premier Honors Edition Registry material. Maybe. On top of all this, you have to be an accomplished professional who has demonstrated something in the whatever or something or other. Clearly, these people have seen me play cell phone Tetris because I do that really well, better than many people who still play Tetris, I would say. I have every single one of the high scores on my phone.
Coincidentally, I have been seeking the kind of benchmark of achievement that would document and preserve all of my successes in a hardcover publication with worldwide distribution. On Sunday I was at Wal Mart where I asked a clerk, "excuse me, do you have any benchmarks of achievement that would document and preserve all of my successes in a hardcover publication with worldwide distribution?" and of course, they did. In bulk. $12.99 for a pack of four. Ah, but inclusion in the Princeton Premier Honors Edition Registry is free (albeit, sans Hannah Montana puffy stickers).
All in all, a pretty tempting proposition, but I'm going to pass. Mainly because it sounds awfully permanent. What if I follow up all of my many achievements and successes this year by becoming the genocidal despot of an African nation next year? It could happen. Then somebody sitting in the lobby of a Hilton in Djibouti leafing through a copy of the 2009/2010 Princeton Premier Honors Edition Registry might come across my profile and say, "oh, I don't think they should have considered him for inclusion." Mr. Harris would probably be pretty embarrassed. In spite of whatever atrocities I might be involved in at that time, I think I'd still find time to feel kind of bad about that.
Maybe next year.
First off, I promise I’m not spam. I’m with Turner Publishing and we have a book titled “Historic Photos of Tampa” that we were hoping might interest you. I’m going around to all the bloggers asking if they’d like to receive a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for a possible review on their blog. This book is a 10x10 gift book
showing a pictorial narrative of Tampa through beautiful photos pulled from
archives (some have never before been viewed). If you are interested, please
email me with your address and I’ll have one shipped out to you right away.
If you have any questions, you can visit our website at www.turnerpublishing.com or give me a call at the number listed below. We'd appreciate any feedback given and would love the opportunity to work with you! I appreciate the time you've given my email and hope to hear from you soon!
(NAME, TITLE AND CONTACT INFO WITHHELD BY ME AS IT'S NOT RELEVANT NOR ANYBODY'S BUSINESS)
I love books, especially so-called coffee table books. It's really the only reason I own a coffee table. And as mentioned in the review, I'm kind of into history now. So I saw this as a chance to get a free book!
Wow. Well, believe it or not, I actually do put a lot of thought into most of what goes up here. I try to take the time to correct my spelling, punctuation and grammar. I certainly don't think I'm chronicling any kind of significant "history" but I will at least do some cursory research on a topic before I publish an opinion on it. I also think I owe it to the people who take time to read this stuff to at least be coherent most of the time. I try to stay away from impulsive, mundane, self-centric observations unless there's some sort of entertainment value in them. Probably less than half of what I sit down to write actually gets posted for the all the reasons listed above.
I'll just add this whole blogging thing to the pile of stuff I do wronglyish.