Friday, December 29, 2006
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Oh, what's this? Bread! Hot bread on a cutting board with a knife in it and a little dish of butter! Oh yeah! Hey, what about bread for the rest of the table? Because I'm eating this by myself. Ha ha! I'm kidding. Ok, I'm not.
Mmmmmmmm. Oh god. This bread is incredible. Firm crust surrounding the soft pliable sourdough center. And if that isn't enough, it's so hot that even though the butter is cold and solid, it's just consuming it into it's center, bread and butter wrapping themselves around each other until I can't tell where one starts and the other ends. Forget what John Coltrane says; THIS is A Love Supreme! You might as well take away my menu. I'm perfectly happy just eating this bread. Seriously, I don't need a meal now that I've had this bread. Can you bring out two or three or eleven more loaves and a child's wading pool full of butter please? While you're doing that, I'm going to figure out a way to shrink myself so I can climb inside one of these hot loaves and just live in it forever. Sell my car and all my possessions, I'm quitting my job and devoting my life to this bread. Ha ha! I'm kidding. Ok, I'm not.
What's this? Cheese fries? Look at the size of that platter! There must be eight pounds of potatoes there, all covered with melted cheddar cheese and chunks of bacon. What's that? The cheese and bacon are layered throughout and not just spread over the top? Why, that must mean that every single bite, right down to the last one, will have as much cheesy, bacony goodness as the first. I must try this! What? Wait? For what? Are you serious? Ranch dressing to dip into?? Oh come on, you have to stop. This can not be legal! There's going to be a raid because you are exceeding legal limitations of deliciousness and we're all going to jail!
Oh! Oh god. Oh god oh! That is good. Good god oh god good oh, that is good!! I have just forgotten every religious belief and spiritual tenet upon which I have based my life, because this is HEAVEN!! It's like The Rapture has arrived...right in the middle of my mouth!
Listen, could you do me a favor? Do you think maybe you could clear some of this away? What? Oh yeah, especially the bread. I am definitely done with that. Get that crap out of here. Throw it in the trash, feed it to some ducks or whatever you want. I can't stand to look at the stuff. Hold on a sec, ok? I just need a minute here. Listen, bread. Don't take this so hard. You were there when I needed you, you got me through a rough time in my life and I sincerely appreciate that. But I think this relationship has peaked and it's best that we both move on. There are still salads, at least another round of drinks and, of course, eventually some steaks coming. While you have to go on and, I don't know, become croutons I guess. Come on, now. Don't pretend you didn't see this coming. We're from different worlds, you and I. For instance, I came here in a Ford Escape and you arrived on a small cutting board with a knife sticking out of you. Long-term committed relationships just don't begin that way. I know it's hard but over time you'll realize I'm right and this is what's best. For both of us. Ha ha! I'm kidding. Ok, I'm not.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
PS: Did you know you'll find more pictures of hot girls in skimpy red outfits by doing a Google image search for "Santa's little helper" than "hot girls in skimpy red outfits"? It's true!
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
"SHA_E AND SHA_E AL_ _E" showing on the board
Monday, December 18, 2006
Sunday, December 10, 2006
I guess going for the creepy angle has been a viable marketing strategy for some time now, what with Verizon's 'can you hear me now?' guy, the non-threatening-yet-still-off-putting Jared from Subway and the little girl with the elephant who rehapsodizes about "the mirrors!" in the DLP commercials (who I believe was last seen holding hands with her also-murdered twin sister and accosting a toddler riding his Big Wheel in the hallway of the Overlook Hotel). But no company has embraced creepy like the Burger King people.
Of course, there's the ubiquitous King himself, whether inserting himself in football highlights or showing up in someone's bedroom or just standing there and silently leering, he's everywhere, hoping his silent plasticine presence will make you want to buy hamburgers. If that's not enough, they also have...
The Whopper Family, with a series of commercials featuring a hamburger father (the Whopper) in constant generational conflict with his hamburger son (Whopper Jr.), highlighted by lines like "I will knock your buns into next week, fella!". Dysfunctional = delicious!
The lascivious motivational speaker Dr. Angus who, like the King, has what looks like molded plastic hair and a Meg Ryanesque perma-smile grafted on to his face. He gropes women while extolling the virtues of better living through hamburgers. Yum!
The office drones whose job, I guess, is to insult each other and eat lunch at Burger King every day, since that's all they do. It's just like the show "The Office", only not funny and with hamburgers.
Look, Burger King, you were, are and always will be the White Sox to McDonald's Cubs; the second most popular team in a two team town, no matter what, even when you produce a better product. I know you're trying for some kind of edgy, off kilter, quirky alterna-credibility with the kids but I just don't think it's going to work. You're a multi-national fast food corporation. Named "Burger King". How edgy can you possibly ever hope to be when your corporate mission statement, to be recognized as the king of burgers, is so clearly stated? Answer: not very. So accept the fact that you're #2. People, including kids, love you and your food. Second place money is still pretty good isn't it? And stop using your advertising to give me the heebie jeebies. Thanks.