Life...and lunch...in show biz

Here's a little glimpse into what life is like in the glamorous and exciting world of the sports and entertainment industry...
Frequently, circumstances will dictate that you spend a relatively long stretch of time at work. For whatever reason, shows tend to be scheduled in clumps, and of course, always on or around weekends. That means it's not unusual to go a full week or more without a day off. That also means spending long stretches of time with the same people in relatively close quarters under what can be hectic and stressful conditions. As is the case with lots of jobs, this can result in frayed nerves and short tempers where the slightest provocation can cause a huge fight. Of course, it can also result in a loopy state of mind where the smallest, stupidest thing can seem hysterically funny.
Last weekend, we had a run of ice skating shows with Disney characters, seven shows between Thursday night and Sunday afternoon. When we have runs like that, our employer is kind enough to provide us with free meals. Hayden, who is one of our part-time ticket sellers, is an affable, easy-going young man. He was in line getting food Saturday afternoon and was overheard saying, "Aw man, where's the basalmic vinaigrette dressing?". This innoccuous, innocent remark, the expression of mild disappointment at the unavailability of a prefered salad dressing, was seized upon immediately by co-workers and supervisors (I may have been involved to a slight extent as well).
First up were accusations of First World Problems:

"Oh, we're so sorry, sir. Does the selection of condiments for your free mail that you're not even required to clock out for while you sit down in a nice, quiet restaurant setting and eat it in peace fail to please your refined palatte?"

"Q: Do you know what the favorite salad dressing is in the Sudan? A: What is salad?"

"In the Ukraine, a salad is a bowl of snow with a couple of drops of diesel fuel for flavor. Unless your father catches you wasting diesel fuel and then 'salad' is just a term for him holding your ear tightly with one hand while hitting you in the head with a shoe with the other."

Then it was imitations of Hayden at lunch:

"Where's the goddamn basalmic vinaigrette?!?" (A la a pissed-off Harrison Ford)

"You call this a demi-glace, you worthless son of a bitch?"

"Who taught you how to make petit fours, you motherless hack??"

"Hey, where the hell's the goddamn basalmic vinaigrette??" (This last one was done with a "Hillbilly Hayden" accent for some reason. Not sure why; since Hayden doesn't have an accent)

And on and on and on and on and on and on. The more relentlessly it was driven into the ground, the fuinnier it was. For his part, Hayden smiled and shrugged his shoulders. "I just really like their basalmic vinaigrette dressing."
Okay, maybe it's not that funny. And I know it's a stupid way to spend a weekend but it's a lot better than being pissed off the whole time.

My Son, The "Lawyer"

The Florida Bar Exam is taking place in Tampa this week and people from all over the country are in town to take it. Many of them are taking it for the second, third, fourth or more times. Apparently, and this is VERY hard to believe, Florida's Bar exam is considerably tougher than most other states. Considering the nonsense that takes place in our courts, I would have thought trial lawyer certification here was only slightly more difficult to attain than level 50 in FarmVille.

At any rate, having come across so many people who have tried multiple times to pass the Florida Bar has given me an idea for a new sitcom.

Check it out...

(Cue bouncy, upbeat theme music)

 TONY enters to AUDIENCE applause from stage left:

(singing) "What a beautiful day, everything's going my way, hey hey hey, I feel okay and I'm glad I'm not gay!"

HOT BLONDE ACTRESS enters to AUDIENCE going "WOOOOOOO!"

"Mmm, good morning! So...are you going to work on my case today?"

"Why not? I studied your briefs thoroughly last night!"

AUDIENCE: WOOOOOOOOO!

POP enters from stage right... 

"What the hell is going on in here?"

"Pop?!? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the Super Bowl! I got you tickets!"

"Paid for on MY credit card! What, you thought I wouldn't figure that out?"

"Uh-oh. Did the bill come in already?"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"I don't need to see a bill to know that a clerk at Blockbuster can't afford tickets to the Super Bowl!"

"Pop, please! Ixnay on the ockblusteray, huh? I got a big case, I'm working on over here!"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Um, like, what's going on here or something?"

"Oh hello. You must be Big Case. I'm the hotshot lawyer's father...except he ain't no hotshot lawyer because HE'S NEVER PASSED THE BAR EXAM!"

"So wait...you lied to me?"

"Um, I object...?"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"AUGH! I am so out of here!"

She storms out angrily

"Pop, whaddaya doin'? Ya killin' me! I've passed the Bar in every state except one!"

"Killing you? I'd plead not-guilty to that charge, but with you as my lawyer there's no telling what would happen. But I guess since you're not a lawyer, at least in the state IN WHICH YOU LIVE, I don't have to worry about it!"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"Jesus, Pop..."

"And stop being Italian! We're Jewish!!"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!



"Jewish? Maybe I should be a doctor too!"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

"You're neither! You're A PUTZ!"

AUDIENCE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
DOTTY enters stage right

"Hey everybody, who wants flapjacks? And who was that whore?"

AUDIENCE explodes in applause and laughter ("Who wants flapjacks?" and "Who was that whore?" are Dotty's catchphrases)

Seriously, I don't see how this can possibly fail.

From the vault (part 2)

Yesterday, was dark imagery, heavy symbolism and deep hidden meanings. Today is just good clean fun. This was a video that was shot in 2000 when I was with the Tampa Bay Rays (Devil Rays back then) as team mascot Raymond's bodyguard. I did that "job" for two years, playing Jerome to his Morris Day. I was mostly responsible for protecting people from Raymond (mostly by making sure he didn't blindly step on tots) than the other way around. But I also got to participate in some of the skits and other fun stuff too. Like this video, which was shown on the jumbotron between innings at games at Tropicana Field that season. Note my hilariously cheesy wardrobe: mustache, Oakley sunglasses and jean shorts, none of which was intended to be funny at the time.

If you can't watch it in the blog, click here.

From the vault (part 1)

I was going through a dresser drawer the other day and found some old VHS tapes. One of them was my copy of a student film I acted in way back some time around 1993 or so called "Atonement". I wasn't a film student, I was just a poor actor (in every way one can be a poor actor...things have changed sooo much). It's Ryan Leigh Saul's film. I've lost touch with Ryan and have no idea what he's up to these days but I hope he's making movies or at least happy doing something he enjoys. Anyway, here's the film and if you figure out what it's all about, please tell me. Because I didn't know back then and I don't know today.

If you can't watch it in the blog, click here

Tomorrow: Something considerably lighter.

The U2 hot cocoa story

I worked the ticket on sale yesterday morning for the U2 concert that will be taking place at Raymond James Stadium in October. The ground that place stands on is home to a lot of emotional ghosts for me that get stirred up every time I walk on it, but the sense of nostalgia was heightened because I was there the last time U2 played a concert in Tampa's football stadium. Return with me now to those thrilling days of yesteryear for this 100% true story...

It was 1987 and the world was a very different place, just like it is now. Eddie Murphy was the king of Hollywood and Micheal Jackson was already a punchline, just not an R or X rated one yet. I myself was a mere boy at the time, obsessed with baseball, the music of Prince and his erstwhile associates and completely infatuated with pretty (and by "pretty", I mean "all") girls, I was a completely different individual than the man you know now (shaddup).

I was working in concessions at the old Tampa Stadium (since demolished), the stadium that ESPN's Chris Berman refers to as "The Big Sombrero". We didn't host that many concerts, but when we did, they were really big deals. At the time, U2 was touring in support of their album "The Joshua Tree" and there wasn't a bigger act in the world. The stadium held about 65,000 for a concert (74,000 for football) so it was a logical fit. The date was December 5th and the forecast called for chilly weather. Our manager had the idea to sell hot cocoa, an item we normally didn't serve, since it was usually very warm at Buccaneers games and other events. We had ordered several cases of powdered mix, added hot water and poured it into giant insulated servers in the stadium warehouse. As the servers were being loaded on to trucks for distribution into the concession stands shortly before the gates opened, one of the women who worked in the office came out and said she wanted some. She poured herself a cup, took one sip and immediately spit it out. That's when we realized we had been sent baking chocolate, extremely bitter, nasty stuff when not used correctly (such as adding hot water and drinking it), by mistake. The manager was not the kind of guy who was easily deterred by setbacks like that, so he stuffed a wad of cash in my hand, told me to take one of the trucks and go to the nearby Pace (a warehouse club, that has since merged with Sam's) to buy all the hot cocoa mix I could get my hands on...just make sure it's the right stuff.

I was tearing through that place like a madman, grabbing every canister they had. The gates were going to be opening within minutes and I had to hurry back. My purchase filled the entire bed of that truck.

Tampa Stadium only had four access gates for patrons and by the time I got back, they were all jam-packed with people waiting to get in. Solid walls of people between me and where I needed to be. Here's a picture that kind of illustrates the situation:

Remember, we were expecting over 60,000 fans. That's an average of 15,000 at each gate, most of whom were there, ready to go in as soon as the gates opened. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to drive through that by myself. I saw two guys wandering around with two fingers in the air, the universal concert symbol for "we need two tickets". I called them over and said, "I can't get you tickets for seats, but I can definitely get you inside the stadium...if you can just help me navigate through this crowd. Deal?" They agreed and jumped in the back of the truck, waving their arms and yelling as we inched (and I mean inched) our way through a crowd of cold, and now angry (because some asshole was actually trying to drive a friggin' truck through them), U2 fans. The truck was kicked and hit and jostled but we eventually got through. And then went through the exact same routine at the next gate we had to get past.

We finally pulled into the service entry and I got out and saw that at least a quarter of what I had bought was missing. Before I could say, "What the...", one of the guys who had helped me said, "Dude, we had to buy some people off or they would have flipped you over." All things considered, I appreciated their judgment and bartering ability. My manager wasn't mad either, fully comprehending the situation and pleased that I'd gotten back in time to salvage the great hot cocoa project. But for the rest of the night, we were all treated to the sight of fans walking around the concourse carrying their own free canisters of hot cocoa mix.

Here's a clip from that very show...

A return to acting!

I just finished shooting a small part in a short film that will be used in a performance art installation being presented by Ellen Mueller. I can't tell you much about it...because I don't know very much about it...other than I play a time travelling bear impersonator.

In doing research for this particular role, I did not need to live in the woods and eat berries and honey. I'm not playing a real bear, after all. Merely a bear impersonator, one who time travels. In order to get a feel for that, I set all of the clocks in my apartment to different times. This allowed me to leave my bedroom on Sunday morning and arrive in the kitchen later that evening. Oddly enough, the future wasn't all that different, except it was light out. I think that will be difficult to adjust to. Presumably, wearing sunglasses at night will be standard procedure for everyone in the future, not just paparazzi-dodging celebrities. I had been hungry for a bowl of cereal when I started my journey and was surprised that I still wanted it when I arrived at my destination. I thought I would have still been full from whatever I'd had for dinner but I wasn't. Maybe I didn't eat dinner that night. Or maybe I just had cereal, which is what I did later that night. Only then, it was dark out. Maybe my time travel altered something in the universe that had prevented the sun from setting, in which case you're welcome. I don't know what E = MC2 has to do with any of this though. I think Einstein was full of crap.

The installation will be performed live on Tuesday, February 17th at the University of South Florida's Oliver Gallery/Grad Fine Art Studios and then will be released into the wilds of YouTube afterwards. I'll link to it here when that happens.

I got your niche right here

Everybody says the key to being really successful is fulfilling needs, especially those needs that people don't even know they have. Well, here's a golden opportunity that some self-starter should jump all over: Happy New Years* music.

Think about it. The official holiday season starts with Thanksgiving, ends with Happy New Years* and includes all the festivities in between. Yet, the music is completely dominated by Christmas songs. There are a few Hanukkah songs and Kwanzaa songs (no Thanksgiving songs, though, because it's impossible to sing when you're planted on the couch in a gravy-induced coma while the athletic pageantry of Detroit Lions football drones on in the background) but other than "We Wish You A Merry Christmas", in which Happy New Years* gets mentioned one time to every three times for Merry Christmas, the only song there is for Happy New Years* is "Auld Lang Syne", which can only be played once. And that's at exactly 12:00:01 on January 1st. If you miss it then, you have to wait until we take a whole 'nother lap around the sun.

Not only is there only one Happy New Years* song, there's really only one Happy New Years* musician, Guy Lombardo, and he's been dead for over 30 years. That's some serious exclusivity there. Not bad for a Canadian, eh? Even if Elvis had been successful in his effort to have his pal Richard Nixon launch the Beatles in a rocket aimed directly into the sun, he still wouldn't have had the rock 'n roll market sewn up like Guy Lombardo. The only other musician who has made a career out of one friggin' song and been at least somewhat culturally significant is Chubby Checker. Well, and Lipps Inc of course.

I think there's room for an industrious, creative new performer to grab at least a share of that very precise and particular spotlight. It'll take hard work and dedication, but the potential payoff could be huge. Think about it, Happy New Years* is not hindered by cultural boundaries like race and religion. Even Chinese people who won't celebrate the end of The Year Of The Rat until February will still be happy to acknowledge and celebrate the end of The Years Of The Ass without worrying about betraying their heritage. And the timing really couldn't be better, because THIS year, people are more eager to embrace new things than ever before; new leadership, new economic strategies, new episodes of "Lost". Strike while the iron is hot! is what I always say when I heckle blacksmiths.

It's all there, baby, a low-hanging plumb for the picking.

* The correct name of the holiday is Happy New Years and it should always be represented as such. In the photo, Mr. Lombardo is expressing amusement at a faulty balloon that somehow slipped past quality control and made it all the way to the big time at the Waldorf=Astoria grand ballroom. Shortly after this picture was taken, Mr. Lombardo burst the balloon with a lit cigarette which he extinguished by grinding it into the forehead of the hotel's banquet manager, a man whose effeminate manner had offended Lombardo in previous dealings. Later that night, he had that man fired for the unfortunate gaffe, then drove to the man's mother's home and made love to her while two members of his Royal Canadiens forced the man to watch. So say it correctly, you.

The endorsement

I am a registered independent. This means I get to vote for anybody I want. By declaring myself unaffiliated with any established political parties, I don't have to vote for any of their candidates if I don't want to. I realize this freedom applies to all registered voters, regardless of their affiliation. But still; I'm an independent.

Friends point out to me that this means I'm ineligible to vote in primary elections. This saddens me about as much as being informed I'm ineligible to watch preseason football games. I hold out until the games really count for something. And since tomorrow is the Superbowl, World Series and Olympics (winter and summer) of elections, it's time this blog joined most of the other major media outlets and made an official endorsement...

The Ridiculously inconsistent trickle of consciousness hereby endorses Barack Obama for president of the United State of America.

Isn't that right, A short conversation?

"I don't know. Is it?"

"Yes. It is"

"Okay then."

How about you, Gratuitous pluggery?

Check this out, ladies! Gratuitous enough for you? Click the pic for even more awesomeness!

What say you, True life?

Yes, we're looking forward to the Barack Obama presidency. Almost as much as we're looking forward to not getting any more pre-recorded phone calls from senators, governors, congressmen and their assorted family members. But not quite as much as we're looking forward to people dialing down their level of fanatical zealotry that's been boiling over on both sides since this campaign began. Good god, folks.

Fantastic! And Short fiction?

From the top of Mt. Rushmore, Barack Obama surveyed the battle raging below. Hostile forces of a truly demonic nature were advancing, threatening to overrun the American defenses and destroy The Greatest Country On Earth. "It is time", he said. "Time to summon my secret army". As he raised the mystical amulet above his head, rays of sunlight caught the crystal within and emitted a supersonic beacon which could only be heard by all of the owls in teh whole world. "Caw! Caw!", said the owls, who also speak crow, so as to throw off the hordes of wily giraffes who had chosen...unwisely...to test the mettle of the new president.

Great! Let's hear from Show biz...

I'll bet if a small town community theatre company did a play about Barack Obama, they would enthusiastically recommend that I audition just so they could eventually cast me as "Nonspeaking walk-on #2".

Lastly, how about Rant n' Roll?

Look, normally I'm not someone who believes that simple answers are appropriate responses to complex problems. But I know that personally, my overall quality of life has declined steeply during the last eight years and I honestly don't know anybody who can say otherwise. Change is not just an option, it's an imperative. McCain is a product of the party that has been in charge while everything has slid rapidly into the crapper. If the Republican party were a lawn service, you'd at least wait to see if anything could grow again in the earth they salted before you'd call them back to trim your hedges. I have no doubt McCain is a decent man who means well, but in spite of all rhetoric, he's done nothing to demonstrate that he would do anything differently than the current outgoing administration. And if the entirely knee jerk, reactionary appointment of his running mate is any indication of decision making under fire, well...

Meanwhile, Obama, who could have sat back and ran on the strength of just not being a Republican, instead has demonstrated confidence, initiative and creativity by proposing actual plans for change that make sense and sound like they could work.

So there you go.

Show's over, folks

"The Beverly Hillbillies" closed Saturday night with a near sellout. People in Plant City ate that show up! There was even fleeting talk about extending it a week, which was shot down when contractual hassles were considered. This is the second time I've been in a wildly successful (from a box office standpoint) show, the last being "Grease" at TheatreWorks in Sarasota, which ran for close to two months.
At any rate, between the show being done and Relay For Life on a low boil until next year, I find myself facing a void with no projects to work on.
So what's next? Well, I don't know. Writing is an ongoing project of course, and lately I'm getting some push to do something on a larger scale than anything I've done before, something commercial, and that's intriguing. Total devotion to writing does not stimulate a lot of social interaction. But depending on how I feel on a given day, that can either be a plus or a minus.
I know I don't want to do any acting in a show where I have a role as small as what I had in "Hillbillies", unless there are exceptional circumstances and it's closer to home than Plant City. PCE's next show is "Brigadoon", a musical set in a magical Scottish village. I could have auditioned for a larger role in that but I'm not interested.
I'd really like to work on shooting a few short films I have written but I don't know if I can get other key people together for that to happen.
So I don't know. If you have something for me to do, let me know, will ya?

Live from Plant City...

The show opened Friday night with much fanfare and little incident. I'm told that traditionally opening night is not a big draw in Plant City but there were about 120 people there. People actually had to be seated in the balcony. If Variety published a Plant City edition, this week's headline would say something like "Beverly 'Billies Boffo Box Office Bonanza!".
Show nights are completely different than rehearsals. You're doing the same material in the same place with the same people but it's amazing what a difference the addition of an audience makes.
Here's a time line of what took place before the curtain went up (note: we don't actually have a curtain).
5:30PM - A light (very light, as in downright "lite") dinner consisting of a crunchy granola bar and a green tea frappucino from Starbucks. Yes, Plant City has a Starbucks. This says something about modern society but I don't know what.
6:00PM - Arrival at the theatre. The reason I arrived at 6 was because it wasn't open earlier. I've mentioned before that I'm pretty obsessive compulsive about being early (being merely on-time is the province of the shiftless and lazy) and when I'm involved in something where I have excess nervous energy, like doing a show, I'm almost completely out of control. How bad is it? If the theatre had been open at noon, I'd have been there at noon. No exaggeration. That's how bad.
6:20PM - I am completely dressed in costume and have already checked all my props at least twice. For this show, that consists of a briefcase, a "contract" (for Jed to sign; I'm the lawyer who pays him for his "earl") and a working pen. I will check them again at least three more times before the show starts. Now is when I find a spot in the back of the theater to put on my iPod and zone out, watching the stage crew get ready and visualizing the performance in front of filled seats. Prince's N.E.W.S. album is perfect for this. I also read my lines again even though I know them by heart. This is probably as close as I come to any kind of zen, meditation or yoga exercises.
7:00PM - The house opens to the public at 7:15 so time to clear out (remember what I said before about being early?). I go backstage and hang out in the dressing room. There are volunteers running around all over the place, setting up concessions, the box office and assorted other tasks. After a month plus, it seems strange to see other people at work in the theatre. As a result, they feel like part of the show and outsiders at the same time.
7:20PM - It's highly unprofessional but I can not resist sneaking peaks from backstage and looking at people in the crowd. I will do this constantly between now and showtime.
7:50PM - Time for one last pep talk from the director. She thanks us for our hard work and assures us we will do a great job. Then we all hold hands and bow our heads in prayer...because you can never really trust what a director tells you. In our case, the prayer is led by one of the people in the cast who is an ordained minister. It's Tom Thoeni, the (male) actor playing Granny during the first two shows. I've had some surreal experiences in my life but being led in group prayer by an ordained minister in drag is probably somewhere in the top ten.
7:55 - We're all in our places waiting to make our entrances waiting for the dreaded curtain speech to end. The curtain speech is where someone stands out in front, welcoming the audience and issuing warnings regarding videotaping and flash photography. For actors, curtain speeches are an annoyance. Picture yourself in this situation:

Now picture the pilot pulling up short of the beach and taking the opportunity to drop a line over the side and do some fishing before taking care of business. That's an overly dramatic example but it's what it feels like to actors.
8:00PM - The house lights go down, the stage lights go up and the ball is rolling. No turning back now. This is where it finally becomes fun, although for some, I have no doubt it feels like that video clip above stretched out over the course of two plus hours. But for me, the night is a blur and it's over before I know it.

The next night was basically the same far as routines go, as will be the rest of the run, but it was an even better night for me because I had about a dozen loved ones in the audience who gave me an embarrassingly enthusiastic ovation during the curtain call. It was a very touching moment for me and made the whole experience worthwhile.

And for those who are unable to attend, or if you just want to treasure the magic forever and ever like a snowglobe, here's the whole show in snapshots. I'm keeping the hat.

It's almost showtime!

This is the stretch run. Only three more rehearsals until Opening Night. Tonight was the first dress rehearsal and this is when it finally starts to feel like a real show. Instead of walking around in your regular clothes with all the house lights on while you navigate pieces of tape or folding chairs that are supposed to represent walls and furniture, you've got a set, costumes, props, music and show lighting to play with. Now is when it gets fun! The sports equivalent would be the day when you finally get to put on your game uniform and play in the stadium instead of on the practice field in shorts and a t-shirt. I'm starting to get butterflies, which is actually a good thing. Anytime I perform, I find that I actually need a certain amount of uncontrollable nervous energy. Not enough to make me jittery but enough to keep me alert and on my toes. Like a slow IV drip of adrenaline.
When I'm doing a show, I don't drink any alcohol from the time I'm cast until the show closes* and starting this week I won't have caffeine in any form until the show is over. Not because I'm approaching my one rinky-dink scene in "The Beverly Hillbillies" like I'm Val Kilmer or Sean Penn. It's just a routine I've always followed and I find routines comfortable when I'm performing.

Good god, I sound so full of shit I may have to slap myself. But since we're in that vein now anyway...

CLARK ON ACTING
Somebody who says they would never even think of trying their hand at acting asked how to do it, like it's one of the most daunting tasks a human being could face. I know a lot of people feel that way but it really isn't. It's essentially playing make believe, something little kids do all the time. It's been said many times before, but seriously, how difficult can something that's literally child's play possibly be?
The best advice I ever heard when it comes to acting was a three word mantra: "Serve The Story". If you use that as your guide in your approach to how you construct your performance, it's actually pretty easy. It also works wonders for writers and directors and anybody involved in storytelling for that matter. For actors, when faced with the prospect of memorizing pages of dialogue, instead understand why and how your character is interacting with others. If you think of dialogue as conversations that need to take place in order to advance the plot instead of groups of words that need to be memorized and sequentially recited, it's easier to remember and your performance will be more natural, thus you Serve The Story.
Thinking about wearing a funny hat or talking with an odd accent or adding some other unscripted affectation? Ask yourself if doing so Serves The Story or if it just draws focus. Those two actions typically do not co-exist peacefully and the production will inevitably suffer. That said, you still have to perform of course. Just know the difference between performing and showing off.
Considering throwing in some inside joke or obscure reference for the amusement of your pals in the audience? If you're ever in a show with me, don't, unless you want me to murder you. Because I'll do it, so help me (but not on stage, because that would almost certainly draw undue focus). To me, this is absolutely the worst sin an actor can commit. Deviating from the script as written for your own selfish motives is EXTREMELY disrespectful to the writer, your fellow cast members and, most importantly, a majority of the audience, who are the ones who paid their hard earned money and/or surrendered an evening to watch you...what?...SERVE THE GODDAMN STORY!! Not trade Carol Burnett-esque winks and nods with your buddies in the 5th row.

There. I'm off my high-minded actor-y soapbox now.

Anyway, here is the official blurb from Plant City Entertainment. If you're coming to the show, please stick around afterwards and say hello. Unless you hate me (which is entirely possible), in which case I'd rather not interact with you in that particular forum. Thanks.

Plant City Entertainment, Inc. community theater is proud to present the HILARIOUS comedy, "The Beverly Hillbillies". The play, based on the television 1960s sitcom has a huge cast who will portray Jed, Granny, Jethro and Elly May Clampett and Mr. and Mrs. Drysdale and Miss Hathaway, among other characters. (NOTE FROM CLARK: That's me; I'll be portraying one of those "other characters")

THE SHOW WILL BE PRESENTED AT THE PLANT CITY CORNERSTONE CENTER LOCATED AT 315 NORTH COLLINS STREET IN PLANT CITY, 33566.
SHOW DATES: MAY 2, 3, 9, 10, 2008
Each performance will begin at 8:00 p.m.
Ticket prices are: $10.00 General Admission and $8.00
Seniors 55 and older AND students through 12th grade.
Tickets will be available at the door prior to each performance. Group rates are available at Hardee's Fashions: (813) 754-4929. Individual advance tickets may also be purchased before the opening date at Hardee's Fashions at 1501 N. Wheeler Street in Plant City (ANOTHER NOTE FROM CLARK: Don't go there looking for hamburgers. Trust me). For more information, call: (813) 986-7141

* Let me know if you want to hang out after the last show on May 10th because wheeeee doggies, I'm gonna be dangerous!

3rd rehearsal

It's been almost two weeks since I posted on the upcoming production of "The Beverly Hillbillies" being presented by Plant City Entertainment and it's progress but there's virtually nothing of interest to report. I apologize that this ongoing series isn't more entertaining but honestly, there isn't much going on. As far as I know (being as I only show up once a week or so and when I'm there, I don't talk to or interact with anyone) the cast is all getting along and nobody is being difficult. That may or may not be a bad sign. In my admittedly limited acting experience, a bubbling pot is not necessarily a bad thing. A little backstage drama can keep people on their toes and engaged. On the other hand, it can also be a huge distraction and an unnecessary pain in the ass. I'm sure most directors would say they could happily live without it so what do I know? Kinda sucks to be reading this though. Although, if my 'brother' Rob continues to exert influence over me, I might very well become that combustible ingredient that's currently lacking.

A little background...

I met Rob Gander* in Sarasota about 15 years ago or so when he directed "Bleacher Bums" in Sarasota at a little theatre known as Theatre Works. I read for a part and was cast. The story I like to tell is that I asked if I could come back for the second night read-throughs and he rolled his eyes, sighed heavily and replied "Well, I don't know why but I guess it's a semi-public building and the fire code prohibits chaining the doors shut. So sure". Actually, what he said was "sure" but the story gets a little more harsh every time I tell it. Through the experience of that show and others that followed at Theatre Works and an unhealthy shared devotion to unhealthy obsessions like self-loathing and the bizarre and so-godawful-that-it's-brilliant David Lynch sitcom "On The Air", Rob and I became good friends and although we're not actually related, I consider him the closest thing to a brother I have living on this planet. He now lives way out west in Cowboyland where he's a drama professor at the University of Nevada, Reno. We still talk on the phone from time to time, complaining about the state of films, television and the hassles of life itself. The other day I was regaling him with my latest misadventures, including this play nonsense I've gotten myself into and he had a brilliant (ie: terrible) idea. He said since there are only four scheduled performances and I'm only in one scene, a good way to make the experience memorable (ie: a nightmare) for all involved is to do it completely different each time. The key component of this genius (ie: idiotic) plan is not telling anyone beforehand, especially the other actors or the director. One night, do it with the Oklahoma drawl I've been practicing but develop an uncontrollable stutter. The next, do it with a thick Cockney accent, complete with rhyming slang ("'Ere then, me company is prepared to pay you a lot of bees and honey for your Bodie and Doyle, Mr. Clampett!"). This could be great fun (ie: entirely inappropriate)! Even better (ie: worse), how about re-writing the entire scene? Imagine Hannibal Lector**, chief counsel for the Midland Oil Company paying a visit to Jed and his kin: "You know what you look like to me, with your hunting dog and your shotgun? You look like a rube. A dirty, befuddled rube with no taste whatsoever. Poor nutrition's given you no length of bone, but you're not more than zero generations from poor white trash, are you, Mr. Clampett? And that accent: pure Tennessee. What was your father, dear? Was he a moonshiner? Did he stink of grain alcohol? You know how quickly the revenuers found you... all those tedious sticky fumblings in the woods behind your outhouse... while you could only dream of getting out... getting anywhere... getting all the way to Beverly Hills."

I won't do that of course. Ah, but a boy can dream, can't he?

*Ha ha! on the "Hotness" factor of a big fat zero!

** I do a fantastic Hannibal Lector. Book me for your next wedding reception, corporate gathering or child's birthday party!

2nd rehearsal

I only had one rehearsal last week and I don't have one at all this upcoming week, so there's not a lot of news. I am "off book" already, meaning I've memorized all my lines and am practicing an Oklahoma drawl befitting my character's background as a lawyer for a Tulsa-based oil company (awwwl cump'neh).

Overall, it seems like things are going along pretty well at this point. One thing that's happening, and it's a little early in the process for this, is some people are cracking up hysterically when they make mistakes. You see that all the time. It's not Broadway, we're all there to have fun and mistakes can be funny. But no matter what, you can count on having at least one person in the cast who thinks every mispronunciation or dropped line is a chance to turn the whole thing into this:
This relegates everybody else to feeling like a dick if they suggest that 'ha-ha, yeah, that was cute but can we move on please?'. And since (usually) nobody wants to feel like a dick, nobody says anything and a lot of time gets wasted. It doesn't matter that much to me; I'm there one day a week if at all. It's just one of those things that you can count on happening when you do a show.


Since I don't have much else to report, here are some photos from the experience so far.

This is the "theatre". If it looks like a Baptist church, that's because it is. Or was, from when it was built in 1923 until 1994. Now it's known as The Plant City Cornerstone Center. It's really a pretty awesome building. Stained glass windows, a huge pipe organ, pews and on the stage itself is a dunking booth or whatever it's called for baptising folks. Kinda looks like a hot tub.

It also has a balcony that wraps around the three sides facing the stage. It reminds me of the courthouse in "To Kill A Mockingbird".

This is Linda's Crab Shack, my favorite restaurant in downtown Plant City. It's a no-nonsense seafood-and-beer joint that doubles as the local bus station (check out the sign to the left). It's less than a block from The Cornerstone which is nice because I'm pathologically obsessive-compulsive about being on time, which usually means that I'm almost always obnoxiously early every time I go some place. That means that when I get to Plant City 45 minutes to an hour earlier than necessary, I have a place to hang out and relax before rehearsal or the show starts. Although, since I'm now living like a monk and avoiding fried foods and not drinking, it's something of a challenge to find something on the menu.

I discovered Linda's the last time I did a show in Plant City (Neil Simon's "Fools" in 2004) and I was glad to see it hadn't changed. I have a feeling I needn't have worried, though. When you've got a formula that works as well as seafood/bus station fusion cuisine, you don't screw around with it.

1st rehearsal

Well, our first official rehearsal was Tuesday night and what looked like it was going to be an unusual experience is already taking a turn for the downright surreal. Read the following COMPLETELY TRUE statements and see if you agree:

• Two male roles were not cast at auditions.
• There are two actors playing Granny. I don't know whether they're alternating scenes, acts, performances or what. It hasn't been explained to the group.
• One of those two actors is a male (see first bullet point).

Ok, maybe that's not as surreal as the Lightning being up 4-1 with 11 minutes to play before eventually losing 7-4 but still.

I know I've done nothing but complain so far which makes it sound like I'm miserable doing this, but I'm honestly not. I'm bemused and intrigued to see how this all shakes out.

On a positive note, it looks like director plans to be creative in the use of space which should be fun for actors and audience. The theatre itself is pretty interesting. I'll write about it after the next rehearsal I attend, which will be some time next week.

The read thru

Tonight was the first official step towards putting on the show, the initial read-thru. It's exactly what it sounds like; the cast and director get together and read the script right out of the book. Nobody's really trying to act, there's no timing or even chemistry. A couple of people are fooling around with accents and inflections but it's really more of a bonding experience than anything else. It's the first opportunity for everyone to see each other in one room and, let's be honest, size each other up: 'This guy is probably going to be cool, this guy might be a pain in the ass and, ooh, she's kinda cute, etc.' I don't know anybody in the cast but they all seem to know each other. That's to be expected. It's still to be determined what shakes out but I have a feeling I will remain Mr. Outside Guy to a large extent. When not completely comfortable around people I don't know, I can tend to be a little...distant. We'll see.
Tonight was my first opportunity to read the whole script and I'll be perfectly honest, I'm not in the greatest mood. I knew BREWESTER wasn't a huge role but I didn't realize that I'll only be in ONE SCENE. Not only that, but the first scene!! After that, I'm done for the night, folks. I'm pretty sure if I had been fully aware of that fact I probably would have politely opted out. That's the bad news. The good news is I'll only have to drive out to Plant City once a week or so instead of three or four times. And at least I'm getting paid. Oh wait a minute, no, I'm not. Somewhat helping my crappy mood is that the part of me that isn't pissed off is quite amused by the fact that anybody, including me, would be disappointed about not having a bigger role in "The Beverly Hillbillies" fer cryin' out loud. The stage direction that says "BREWSTER exits L", should say "BREWSTER exits L, goes backstage puts his iPod on and chills for an hour and a half" because that's what I'm going to do. There are worse ways to spend an evening, I suppose. For instance, instead of driving out to Plant City tonight and reading a small handful of lines before staring at the wall for an hour I could have hung out with my ne'er do well friends and over-imbibed in green beer. Hey, thanks community theatre!! Maybe on show nights, I'll just do my part, change clothes and go out in the audience. Maybe I'll just do my part, change clothes and go out and have some beers! Hey, I'm feeling better and better about this!
Besides, Alec Baldwin did ok with only being in the first scene of "Glengarry Glen Ross".

Maybe that's how I should handle this. I wonder if they have a set of these in the prop closet.

Looks like it's on...

As promised, here are the details regarding the situation I hinted about last night. I auditioned for, and was cast in, a community theatre play. Specifically, I'm playing a character named "Brewster" in Plant City Entertainment's (PCE) production of ...wait for it, wait for it... "The Beverly Hillbillies". I actually think that's funnier than any joke I could write here. I just got the word tonight which is why I didn't know if this subject would live beyond a single post. But since I'm in it now, I will blog about the experience and hopefully give you a glimpse into the exciting backstage world of small town community theatre. Had I not been cast, I'd have written a single post about how unfair the audition process was, how directors are idiots who can't recognize talent and how I was glad I didn't get the part.

I've acted in shows before, including "Barefoot In The Park, "Grease" and "Bleacher Bums". And this is actually my second go-around with PCE, having done Neil Simon's "Fools" there in 2004. I think my character was 'Fool #5' or something like that. I even won an award for that one! So I enjoy acting but the problem is, until recently my job schedule has been so overwhelmingly demanding that doing a show was simply not a possibility. But now that my schedule is under control I'm able to jump back into it and this show makes perfect sense for me to do so; any good actor sincerely dedicated to their craft will tell you that if you can't do Shakespeare, look for something with a score by Flatt & Scruggs. I auditioned for the role of Mr. Drysdale, thinking it would be fun to play an outright, over-the-top villian. But as I read the script the other night, he's not the malevolent presence I thought he was. He's more like Colonel Klink; an authority figure to be defied at all opportunities but essentially a harmless doofus. I don't remember that from watching the show but I never really was into the Beverly Hillbillies. I much preferred the surrealistic anarchy of Green Acres. I don't think it's possible to be a fan of both. Anyway, I don't know much at all about this Brewster character. I'll find out more on Monday at the first read-through. I hope he has some funny lines or a hot make out scene with Elly May.
Stay tuned...