Monday, November 27, 2006
Thursday, November 23, 2006
DOWNSIDE: You don't really need a free meal, do you? Honestly?
Every city has at least one church that provides service to the homeless and really goes all out during the holidays. Here in Tampa, it's Metropolitan Ministries. WARNING: One thing Christians and Atheists agree on is that taking free food from a church when you're not in need is an automatic ticket to hell. Even Jews, Muslims and people of other faiths who don't believe in hell agree as well.
UPSIDE: They're open
DOWNSIDE: It's Denny's
Denny's offers a traditional style roast turkey dinner for $9.99 with turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, salad and a slice of pumpkin pie. After dinner, feel free to stay for hours and hours, drinking coffee and muttering to yourself.
UPSIDE: Virtually limitless
DOWNSIDE: There is no downside to the Waffle House
Ok, a slight quibble, if not a total drawback is that Waffle House's holiday special is country ham & eggs. I know some weirdos eat ham instead of turkey on the holidays so okay. But everybody knows that eggs are only holiday fare during Easter. Compensating for this is the fact that it's only $6.49. You go, Waffle House!
ANY CHINESE RESTAURANT
UPSIDE: You know what you're getting and you know they'll be open
DOWNSIDE: Not exactly standard holiday atmosphere
Like snowflakes, no two Chinese restaurants are identical, yet they are all exactly the same. Same menu, same prices (very few items on the menu over $10), same paper lanterns hanging from the ceiling. That's why we love them so much; they're incredibly dependable. McDonalds and Chinese restaurants are the only places in the world where you can go in and order your meal and know exactly what it is going to taste like before you get it. The other day, I saw a banner over a the door of a Chinese restaurant that said "NEW!". Impossible. There is no such thing as "new" Chinese food. What, did they fry the rice? Did they mix the sweet and the sour together? Did they come up with some crazy new zodiac with monkeys, dogs and dragons instead of scorpios and cancers? Please. Like cures for diseases, all the Chinese dishes there will ever be have already been invented.
PS: I know someone who refers to a nearby strip mall as "The Tampa Bay Asian Cultural Center" because there's a Chinese restaurant, a dry cleaner and a nail salon. That isn't very nice and he does not deserve delicious Crab Rangoons.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
It was awesome.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Nah, me neither.
Sunday, November 19, 2006
It started with getting off work at 6, being picked up in a limo at 6:30 (I have truly amazing friends, for which I am eternally grateful, limos or no limos) and having downed at least three margaritas by 6:45. They say that you should not drink as a means of dealing with stress. "They" being those who don't drink for any reason whatsoever and look down on you for doing so. Because I'm here to tell you that I was severly stressed at 5:59 and completely relaxed by 6:46. Okay, that may have had more than a little to do with whose company I was in by that time but still. The margaritas were delicious. In fact, I believe that getting drunk with close friends and attending an event with other drunks is not only far more socially acceptable than just normal every day getting drunk, it can actually be downright therapeutic in certain circumstances. I am living testimony thereof.
Now, before you ask, "did he play (insert the name of any Jimmy Buffett song you have ever heard here)?", the answer is well...yeah! he played it. He played all of 'em. There are some things you just know without having ever experiencing them first-hand. Such as the fact that giving birth must be an utterly horriffic experience or that Jimmy Buffett is going to play all his hits. Jimy Buffett music is like funk for white people in that the music had everybody dancing, or at least kind of moving around somewhat rythmically, and nobody cared. Not that the music even matters. It's all about the atmosphere and the experience of going. Who knew 20,000 people wasted out of their gourds on some substance or another could be so much fun? It probably wouldn't be if not for the fact that every single one of them (us) had the same agenda; to relax and forget about the mundane-yet-stressful, tedious-yet-harrowing, day-to-day crap for a little while, which is what entertainment at it's best should do for people. Well, except for the guy who took exception to me inviting myself aboard his party bus to use his restroom facilities after the show. Whatever, tightass.
At any rate, I don't know if I qualify as a full-fledged Parrothead, since I doubt that I'll ever spend money on a Jimmy Buffett album, but I will be in line the next time concert tickets go on sale.
Friday, November 17, 2006
1. What time is it? 9:10pm
2. Name: Clark Brooks
3. What are you most afraid of? Ducklings
4. What do you drive? ’98 Piece
5. Have you ever seen a ghost? Nope
6. Where were you born? Benton Harbor , MI
7. Ever been to Alaska ? Nope
8. Ever been toilet papering rolling in decorating trees? Nope. Yes. Wait. Um, Huh? May I have the question repeated in English, please?
9. Croutons or Bacon bits? Bacrons
10. Favorite day of the week? Friday
11. Favorite restaurant: McDonalds
12. Favorite Flower: Raisins
13. Favorite sport to watch: Curling
14. Favorite Drink: Orange juice
15. Favorite Ice cream: Jalapeanut Toffee Mocha Berry Crunch Swirl
16. Disney or Warner Brothers: Warner…but I’m warming up to Disney
17. Favorite fast food restaurant: McDonald’s RULES ALL!!
18. What color is your bedroom carpet? Grey
19. How many times you failed your driver's test? None
20. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail from? Some Nigerian who is trying to give me $20 million dollars
21. What do you do most often when you are bored? Ferment
22. Bedtime: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
23. Who will respond to email first? The Nigerian who is trying to give me $20 million dollars, if he’s serious about wanting my PIN number
24. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? The Nigerian who is trying to give me $20 million dollars. Those guys never write back.
25. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses: The Nigerian who is trying to give me $20 million dollars. I could use that money.
26. Favorite TV show : The Office, The Daily Show
27. Ford or chevy? Chevy Chase as Gerald Ford
28. What are you listening to right now? The voices who tell me it’s a good night to pick up hitchhikers
29. What are your favorite colors? I don’t ‘do’ colors, man. I’m more of a textural person.
30. How many tattoos do you have? Nope
31. Do you have any pets? I own a vast collection of giraffes, which I keep in various zoos, preserves and free range areas around the world.
32. How many people are you sending this e-mail to? 10
Sunday, November 12, 2006
- Latka Gravas (Andy Kaufman)
- Inspector Jacques Clouseau (Peter Sellers)
- Borat (Sacha Baron Cohen)
- Austin Powers (Mike Myers)
- The Festrunk Brothers (Steve Martin & Dan Aykroyd)
Top Five Major League Sports Team Names That Sound Like They Were Invented For Some Shitty Movie About Sports
- Houston Texans
- Washington Nationals
- Tennessee Titans
- Baltimore Ravens
- Washington Wizards
(Note: Anaheim Ducks [nee Mighty Ducks of Anaheim] is not included because it was invented for a shitty movie about sports)
Top 5 Names Most Likely To Belong To Jerks
(I have only ever met, like, two guys named Gary who are not jerks)
Top 5 Formerly Huge Movie Stars Who Are Now Considered, At Best, Clowns, Because Of Things They Have Said And/Or Done In Their Personal Lives
- Tom Cruise
- Mel Gibson
- Arnold Schwarzenegger
- Kevin Costner
- Sylvester Stallone
Top 5 Celebrities I'd Be Willing To Bet Are Surlier In Real Life Than They Seem On TV
- John Madden
- Jay Leno
- George Foreman
- John Travolta
- Adam Sandler
Top 5 Celebrities I'd Be Willing To Bet Are Just As Surly In Real Life As They Seem On TV
- Harrison Ford
- David Letterman
- Barbra Streisand
- Mike Tyson
Top 5 Celebrities Who Have Absolutely No Business Being Famous
- Paris Hilton
- Jimmy Fallon
- Simon Cowell
- Anna Kournikova
- Kathy Griffith
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Here's what happened at T.E.A.M. training tonight...
TEACHER: Ok, class we're just about to wrap up and I think it's gone really well. I hope you all are able to take something from this two hours that you will remember for many, many years. I want to thank those of you who took part in T.E.A.M. extracurricular activities, such as T.E.A.M. student senate, the T.E.A.M. yearbook staff, T.E.A.M. model UN and of course the T.E.A.M. basketball team. Go team! Err, I mean T.E.A.M. If you didn't you're just cheating yourself. Anyway, before we begin the final exam, let me remind you of the story I told you earlier about the little girl who was injured by the drunk driver and how it cost the establishment where that driver was overserved $135 million.
TEACHER: Yes, it's a tragic story, Kevin.
KEVIN: I wanna get hit by a drunk driver too!
TEACHER: Well, it is a lot of money, but she'll never grow up to be the dancer she dreamed she would.
KEVIN: Sheeit, neither will I. But I don't have $135 million either.
TEACHER: Yes. Well. Ok, that's nice. Does anybody want to review anything else before we begin? Like some of the visual signs that someone is inebriated?
CARL: Like laughin' at shit?
TEACHER: Well, yes, sometimes. But laughter on it's own doesn't necessarily indicate...
CARL: AH, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
TEACHER: Ok, that's enough, Carl. That's enough, everyone. Turn your test booklets over and write your name in the blank box at the top. Below that, use your number 2 pencil to fill in the corresponsing bubbles with letters in them. Then, turn to the inside...
LINDA: Teacher, I filled in the word "TEAM" in the little letter bubbles. Do I get a A and can I go now?
TEACHER: No, Linda, that's not what you're supposed to do. And besides, you spelled "TEAM" wrong. There's no R in it.
LINDA: That's not a R. That's a F.
TEACHER: Here's another test booklet, Linda.
WAYNE: Teacher, I don't got to take this test. I'm in a wheelchair.
KEVIN: Aw, you just mad 'cause you didn't get $135 million and you ain't gonna grow up to be a dancer too.
TEACHER: Now, hold on every...
LINDA: That little girl should go get her some bionics with that money. Then she could be the best dancer ever and also run 60 miles an hour and be incredibly strong.
WAYNE: Yeah, but they wouldn't let her in the Olympics because it's illegal to use special effects and shit.
CARL: You're so stupid. Damn!
WAYNE: I will cut you, Carl. I swear for God!
TEACHER: Damn it, I hate teaching classes to the executive team.
Friday, November 03, 2006
With working the hours I have been, and what little spare time I have left being spent opening all the unsolicited naked pictures that women keep sending me (I guess they're using this site to reach me, which you can too, if you're a woman who wants to send me your naked pictures. Unsolicited, of course), I've just been too damn busy to write. But it's been two week since I posted anything and I'm feeling a little pent-up, so I thought I'd better put something up here....just to see if it still works. I'll post more soon.
Further complicating things is my inability to come home from work and just jump into bed and go to sleep. Can't do it. Too fidgety, too wired, too amped up to do that. I guess that's why everybody says I should do cocaine! Oh wait, that's why everybody tells me I shouldn't do cocaine. DON'T do cocaine, Clark. Right! That's what they always tell me. Drug free is the way to be, kids. You know it's true because it rhymes. A sure way to tell if advice is good is if it rhymes.
School is cool.
Guns are no fun.
Sex is bad.
See? In the pudding is the proof, Ruth.
Anyway, I'm exhausted, a little loopy and too wired to sleep. What are you doing? Give me a call and we can talk about these naked pictures you sent me.