Tuesday, June 07, 2011

The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere (revised)

The pretty lady on tv: Our hero

Listen my children and you shall know
How the midnight ride of Paul Revere really did go,
On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-five;
The year the Bee Gees did "Stayin' Alive"

Ol' Paul was in Boston, drinking some beers
With Sam and Diane and Woody at Cheers
The rest of the crowd seemed rather skittish
There was talk of an invasion of red-coated British!

The face of terror, 1775
Paul put down his flaggard of ale
And pulled his jacket off the ol' rusty nail
"Where ye goin', Pauly? We're gonna party 'til morn!"
But Paul couldn't stay; he had British to warn.
"Fetch me my pistols! Fetch me my bells!
I've got a totally awesome story to tell!"
"But why would you want to go warn the invaders?"
Asked the confused bassist for his rock band, The Raiders
True patriots never question the lead singer
But Paul Revere knew better, of course he did
So he slipped on his jacket and three-cornered lid
"They won't know we have guns if someone don't say so
Then they won't know what to try and fail to take, bro"
So off on his horse machine he got and did went
To tell those British to get themselves bent
Ringin' and shootin' and yelling the news
In search of those Red Coats with their shiny black shoes

Spare us your nazi salute, you bangers-and-mash eating scum. USA! USA!
He was ringing his bells, just like in his plan
The Brits got excited; "Hey, it's the ice cream man!"
Paul corrected them, "No, I'm here to tell you beware;
You'll never take the guns we have over there"

The head general stood himself up proper and straight
"So you've come to tell us of a dangerous fate?
Pray, why would you do that? Have ye gone daft?"
Paul muttered back, "One if by land, two if by raft."

"Right. He's gone bonkers. We've nothing to fear,"
The general said, his finger circling his ear.
"If the colonists have among them even one gun,
They'll shoot their own balls off if they're as smart as this one"

Paul Revere: Also our hero too.
You know the rest. On the 'net you have read
How the British Regulars fired and fled
With no thanks whatsoever to the left-wing-ed media
Which is why it's up to us to edit the Wikipedia

(with deep and sincere apologies to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow)


Jeff Hickmott said...

"did went"
"bangers-and-mash eating scum"


Jeff Hickmott said...

Actually "did went" reminds me of a story my Grandfather told me of his sergeant-major from basic training who used to say "Orlright, you 'orrible little men, get felled in, the whistle's went!"

Why, it's Clark! said...

Thanks! One of the great things about writing as The Pretty Lady on TV (or one of her balloon-headed followers) is you can say anything and it's NEVER wrong.

I'd like to have made this a bit longer so I could have written some more dialogue for the British troops. I've always wanted to use phrases like "Cor, yer owld, ye toothless git" (obviously an infantryman) or "Do shut up, you dreadful American" (an officer).

Jessie said...

This needs to be published everywhere immediately so everyone else can marvel at your skills. Seriously. LOVE it.

RottenMom said...

What Jessie said.

And to that I will add, damn boy, you are so good.

Why, it's Clark! said...

Oh thank you, thank you! You know, I had something similar planned that (I think) would have fit nicely within a month-long series of cultural events about Tampa, at numerous venues in Tampa, June 1-30, 2011, if such an opportunity had arisen. Oh well. Maybe someday.

Native Mom said...

You're a poet and don't even know it - or maybe you do. Just don't tell the red coats