Indy film re-boot

Lots of classic movies are being re-booted all the time. They're either crass, unimaginative attempts to cash in easily because familiar story lines resonate immediately with fans, or they're made to bring these stories and characters into more modern and relevant settings. Or both. Regardless, one beloved franchise is due to be re-done in a more edgy, dark and gritty fashion is the Indiana Jones saga. And now is the perfect time to bring the roguish Nazi-battling archaeologist kicking and screaming into the current age (and played by Idris Elba). I can see it all now...

Indy is briefed on the situation by a couple of shadowy men from the government...
Major Eaton: Doctor Jones, we've heard a lot about you.
Indiana: Have you?
Major Eaton: Professor of Archeology, expert on modern race relations, and how does one say it... black guy.
Indiana: That's one way of saying it. Why don't you sit down, you'll be more comfortable.
Colonel Musgrove: Yes, you're a man of many talents. Now, Doctor Jones, you must understand that this is all completely confidential.
Indiana: I understand.
Major Eaton: You see, for the last eight months, the Nazis have had teams of archaeologists running around the world looking for all sorts of covfefe. Trump's a nut on the subject. He's crazy. He's obsessed with tacky shit. And right now, apparently, there is some kind of alt-right archaeological dig going on in Charlottesville.
Colonel Musgrove: Now, we have some information here, but we can't make anything out of it and maybe you can. "This represents a turning point for the people of this country. We are determined to take our country back. We are going to fulfill the promises of Donald Trump. That's what we believed in. That's why we voted for Donald Trump. David Duke, US."
Indiana: The Nazis have discovered anus!
Major Eaton: Now just what does that mean to you... 'Anus'?
Indiana: Sorry, I meant asshole. David Duke is a racist asshole. He's the former Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan and he tried to run for president in 1988 and 1992. He's resurfaced and is staking a a desperate attempt to reclaim relevance.
Colonel Musgrove: Seriously? President? Like, of the United States? Twice??
Indiana: Shit's been crazy since long before 2016, man.

Indiana needs his bullwhip to swing across a chasm...
Indiana: Give me the whip.
Satipo: Throw me the idol.
[they both see a stone door closing]
Satipo: No time to argue! Throw me idol, I'll throw you the whip!
Indiana: [throws the idol] Give me the whip!
Satipo: [drops the whip] I refuse to participate in the perpetuation of cruel and inhumane treatment of a marginalized culture by giving a black man the whip.
Indiana: No, no! I'm asking you to give it to me as a symbolic gesture. This would be me reclaiming power by acquiring an instrument traditionally associated with inflicting pain and suffering used against me and my culture.
Satipo: Oh. I can dig that. [picks up whip and throws it to Indiana]
[stone door slams shut]
Indiana: Well, shit.

Indy is walking the streets of Charlottesville with his girlfriend Marion and her pet monkey...
Indiana: Do we need the monkey?
Marion: I'm surprised at you. Talking that way about our baby. He's got your looks, too.
Indiana: ...
Marion: Oh god, I'm sorry! I wasn't thinking! I'm so sorry! I just meant...
Indiana: (sighs) Don't worry about it.

Indy encounters a UVA college student...
Student: I can only say I'm sorry so many times.
Indiana: Well, say it again anyway!
Student: Sorry.

Marion accidentally clicks on a link to Breitbart.com ...
Indiana: Marion, don't look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don't look at it, no matter what happens!

A mechanic discovers Indy attempting to sneak aboard a Nazi plane...
Mechanic: [to Indy, in German] Hey, thin man! Come here! Come here! Come here! Come on, fight! Boy, come down! Down now!
[Indy turns and the mechanic sees his face]
Mechanic: [to Indy, in English] Whoa! Hold on, bro. It's cool. I didn't realize... We're cool. We're cool.

Indy finds himself face-to-face with Trump...
Trump: You and I are very much alike. Racial division is our religion, yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light.

Indiana: Fuck you! I have a white girlfriend!



This, plus lots of scenes featuring Indy punching various Nazis.
Yeah, I'd watch this.

Memories: Not what they used to be

We're all getting older. All of us! Even the young folks. Each and every one of us is older now than when we started reading this. Naturally, our memory is rapidly going to seed. There's proof that this is happening to us on a mass scale. There are people who sincerely believe they saw a movie titled "Shazaam" starring Sinbad as a genie that doesn't exist. I mean the movie doesn't exist. Sinbad does, although he is not a genie. But "Shazaam" never happened, in spite of people's convictions that it totally did. Just last week, White House spokesperson Kellyanne Conway cited a massacre in Bowling Green, Kentucky, that also never happened.

This does not qualify

Some might refer to this phenomenon as "misremembering". Or perhaps "not knowing what the hell you're talking about" or "lying". Regardless, it tends to happen a lot. Just look at this list of famous movie quotes that you've been getting wrong all this time...

The Empire Strikes Back
You remember: “Luke, I am your father.” 

But the actual quote is: “Luke, it is I who is the person that am your father."

Apollo 13
You remember: “Houston, we have a problem”
But the actual quote is: “Oh shit, Houston!”

Dirty Harry
You remember: “Do you feel lucky, punk?”
But the actual quote is: “You’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel lucky?’ Because if not, there's really no point in buying a lottery ticket, punk.”

The Graduate
You remember: “Mrs. Robinson, are you trying to seduce me?”
But the actual quote is: “Mrs. Robinson, you’re the subject of a well-known Simon and Garfunkel song. Aren’t you?”

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs
You remember: “Mirror, mirror, on the wall - who is the fairest of them all?”
But the actual quote is: “Magic mirror, on the wall, the reflection of light off a smooth service is a simple scientific principle and not so 'magic' after all. Punk.”

She Done Him Wrong (with Mae West)
You remember: “Why don’t you come up and see me sometime?”
But the actual quote is: “Why don’t you comply with the restraining order and stay at least 500 feet from me, punk?”

Casablanca
You remember: “Play it again, Sam.”
But the actual quote is: “Play 'Free Bird', Sam. Wooo!”

Jaws
You remember: “We’re gonna need a bigger boat!”
But the actual quote is: “We should be in a helicopter with automatic weapons. Being out here in a boat is just stupid.”

Field Of Dreams
You remember: “If you build it, they will come.”
But the actual quote is: “If you build it, you will have a full-sized baseball diamond in your yard. Pretty sweet!”

All About Eve
You remember: “Fasten your seat belts, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.”
But the actual quote is: “Fasten your seat belts, it’s the law.”

The Wizard of Oz
You remember: “Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore.
But the actual quote is: “Toto, thank God we’re not in Kansas anymore!”

Gone With The Wind
You remember: “Frankly, Scarlett, I don’t give a damn.”
But the actual quote is: “Frankly, punk, I don’t give a damn.”

Silence of the Lambs
You remember: “Hello, Clarice”


But the actual quote is: “Well, howdy-do, Clarice!”

Mommie Dearest
You remember: “No more wire hangers, EVER!”
But the actual quote is: “No starch! No starch EVER!”

Planet of the Apes
You remember: “Get your stinkin’ paws off me, you damn dirty ape!”
But the actual quote is: “Take your stinkin’ dirty damn paws off me, you damn stinkin' dirty ape!”

…And Justice For All
You remember: “I’m out of order? You’re out of order! This whole courtroom’s out of order!”

But the actual quote is: “Your mama out of order! Oooooohh!! (dabs and blasts air horn)”

Sunset Blvd.
You remember: “I’m ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille.”
But the actual quote is: “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my selfie, punk.”

Let's Fix It!

Welcome to Let's Fix It!, the show where you call in with something that's broken and we work together... to fix it! I'm your host Bob and I'm told we got a whole bunch of things that need fixing today, so let's get right to it.
It looks like our first caller is Laura, phoning in from Twin Peaks, Washington.

"Hi. Thanks for taking my call. I have a ceiling fan that isn't working right."

Pesky ol' ceiling fan, eh? Heh heh! What seems to be wrong with it?

"I actually sent over a video because it would be a lot easier to show you than tell you."

Is that right? Do we have that video? Oh, we do? Well, let's take a look-see!



Oh my.

"Yeah."

Generally, you don't see that kind of thing in a ceiling fan. They're pretty simple. You wire them into your home's electricity, mount them to your ceiling and pull the chain. If the blades spin, it's working. if not, it isn't.

"So what should I do?"

Well, I don't have a lot of experience with what appears to be some sort of otherworldly, malevolent presence inhabiting a common household appliance and somehow speaking to you through it. I guess the best advice I could offer is to set your house on fire, get out of there and never go back.

"Wow, Bob. Wow."

Sorry I couldn't be of more help. But hey, good luck Laura! Coming up after the commercial break, Carol Anne from Cuesta Verde in Orange County, California needs help with a malfunctioning television set! So stay tuned!

The 29th Guy

Middle-to-late January, 2016, in the conference room at a local TV station...

GENERAL MANAGER: 

Okay, I think that covers everything. Good meeting everyone!

PROGRAM DIRECTOR:

Wait, we didn't go over our plan for Black History Month programming.

GENERAL MANAGER:

Oh. Well, I just assumed we'd do what we always do. Run the standard "Heroes of Black History" profiles in the same time slot we do every year.

MARKETING PERSON:

Yep, the usual 28 profiles in courage. Harriet Tubman, Jackie Robinson, Martin Luther King. The other ones. We're all set.

PROGRAM DIRECTOR:

Have you all forgotten that this is a Leap Year? 29 days!

MARKETING PERSON:

Oh shit!

GENERAL MANAGER:

Dear God!

PROGRAM DIRECTOR:

What are we gonna do, you guys?

OLD SCHOOL TECHNICIAN:

Calm down. We're fine.

PROGRAM DIRECTOR:

What are you talking about? We're in deep, serious trouble here!

GENERAL MANAGER:

Run Jackie Robinson twice!

MARKETING PERSON:

We can't do that! They'll know! They'll know!!

OLD SCHOOL TECHNICIAN:

(Sigh) I keep forgetting. Most of you weren't here four years ago. And the ones that were have apparently don't remember. But it's okay. We have a 29th guy.

PROGRAM DIRECTOR:

We do?

GENERAL MANAGER:

Who?

OLD SCHOOL TECHNICIAN:

It's Bill.

MARKETING PERSON:

Oh, that's right! Bill! I totally forgot!

GENERAL MANAGER:

Who is Bill?

OLD SCHOOL TECHNICIAN:

Bill is my neighbor. Nice guy. Black. Works at the post office.

MARKETING PERSON:

That's right. We have this problem every four years. We have a standard rotation of 28 black people that we honor every year. We don't have more than that because we'd have to bump people to fit them all in. Can you imagine a Black History Month where we didn't spotlight Frederick Douglass? Talk about an uproar!

OLD SCHOOL TECHNICIAN:

So we needed somebody that's good but not too heroic or meaningful. Somebody we could celebrate during Leap Years but then skip over three years out of four. That's Bill.

MARKETING PERSON:

Bill is perfect. He's black.

OLD SCHOOL TECHNICIAN:

Bill and I have been neighbors for years. He's black. We have been using him in this capacity since the 70's. Bill is the 29th guy!

GENERAL MANAGER:

So... we're profiling your neighbor as a hero of the black community?

OLD SCHOOL TECHNICIAN:

Well, Bill isn't really a hero, but he is my neighbor and he is black. He's a nice guy, a good guy. A black guy. He goes to work, does a good job. Keeps his property nice and clean. He recycles but he isn't a fanatic about it. He's black. He gets kind of obnoxious about rooting for the Yankees when they're in the playoffs, which I don't know what that's all about since he's from Chicago but whatever. Overall, a nice, good guy though. And he is black.

MARKETING PERSON:

He's right. I've met Bill and he's okay. And black.

PROGRAM DIRECTOR:

Sounds good to me!

GENERAL MANAGER:

Me too! Okay then, now we're covered for the 3:35 AM - 3:38 AM slot for the whole month. Good meeting, everyone!

HAPPY NOW-OVER BLACK HISTORY MONTH, EVERYONE!

An ethical gimmick

"ST. PETERSBURG — The owner of a Florida media company said Monday that radio host Bubba The Love Sponge Clem tried to influence the listening habits of a person who was participating in a ratings survey.
In a statement, Beasley Media said Clem was contacted directly by someone who had a ratings device to measure listening habits. Nielsen calculates its ratings by putting listening devices that resemble pagers on people.
...
The Beasley statement said Clem and his staff must undergo ratings compliance training." - Gainesville Sun, October 5, 2015

RATINGS COMPLIANCE TRAINING

WALTER: Okay, welcome to Ratings Compliance Training. My name is Walter Mermud from the AC Nielsen company and I'll admit right up front that I don't really teach this course very often. Frankly, I've never taught it before. In fact, nobody has ever taught it before. There's usually just no need for it. Kind of a common sense thing when it comes to anybody who conducts themselves ethically, I guess. In light of certain recent events, however, your employer has determined that it's necessary so here we are. Let me verify that everyone who is supposed to be here is actually present and we'll begin. Todd Clem?
BUBBA: It's Bubba, legally, since 1999. And here.
WALTER: My sheet says "Todd"...
BUBBA: Bubba!
WALTER: Okay then. Manson?
MANSON: Here.
WALTER: Ned?
MANSON: (in a different voice) Here.
WALTER: You already answered
BUBBA: He's a different guy sometimes. They're both here.
WALTER: All right then. 25 Cent?
25 CENT: (sighs) Yeah.
WALTER: Is that really your name, legally? You know what, never mind. It doesn't matter. Let's get started so we can get out of here. Now, the key thing to know about Ratings Compliance is that you should simply not interfere in any way with the process of gathering ratings. That's really all there is... Mr. Clem, what are you doing?
BUBBA: Huh? Oh, I'm trying to smash this pager gimmick open to see what's inside of it.
WALTER: That's one of our portable people meters and you shouldn't even have one, let alone try to open it for any reason.
BUBBA: Yeah, but I'm not doing it for ratings. I'm doing it to see if there's anything to eat inside.
WALTER: It's an electronic device! There's nothing edible about it! Where did you get it?
BUBBA: My lawyers gave it to me.
WALTER: My understanding is your lawyers aren't lawyers anymore.
BUBBA: Exactly. So it's all good. From a ethical gimmick.
WALTER: Please just put that down.
BUBBA: Here, 25. You and Manson open this up and see if there's some candy inside.
25 CENT: Anything you say, Bubba!
BUBBA: Get Ned to help you guys.
MANSON: Yes sir! (as Ned) Yes sir!
WALTER: I said to stop doing that!
BUBBA: You told me to put it down and I did. You didn't tell those three guys. Ethically, we're covered.
WALTER: There are only two guys and I want everyone to stop trying to...
25 CENT: Ooh! We got it! This looks like a battery!
BUBBA: Gimme that!
WALTER: Did you... did you just eat a battery?
BUBBA: Mmph? (with mouth full) That wasn't me, that was Mike Calta.
WALTER: Mr. Clem, I just saw you put a battery in your mouth.
BUBBA: (swallows hard) No sir. I don't currently have a delicious battery in my mouth any more right now. You're thinking of Mike Calta. Plus, I'm not sure it was a battery. It didn't taste like one. (puts shattered remains of portable people meter in his mouth) Mmm, crunchy!
MANSON: Technically, he's telling the truth!
25 CENT: Hurray! He's not guilty! We still have jobs!
BUBBA: I knew I'd be exonerated! The people have spoken! Court gimmick dismissed!
WALTER: Fine. Whatever. Please just sign these forms stating that you've completed the training and... and you're ignoring me and just walking right out. I'll sign off on these I guess.

THIS JUST IN!

"We are getting reports that something terrifying has happened at the mall. Here is video recorded live at the scene:"

Video recorded LIVE at the scene!

"Now, there is no word yet on whether or not it's a shooting, or if it is, whether it's one of the good ones. All we can say is that something terrifying has happened and continues to be happening. Probably a shooting. Take a look at this video recorded live at the scene:"

Video recorded LIVE at the scene!

"It's important to note that some of those people do not appear to be terrified. They are probably in a state of shock. Let's go to a live report from the mall. Lester?"

"Hi Bob. I'm not actually at the mall. I don't know if you've heard, but something terrifying is happening there. Probably a shooting."

"Well, what can you tell us about the video recorded live at the scene?"

"It would appear that people are fleeing and terrified."

"What do you suppose that is?"

"Something terrifying. Like a shooting."

"To be clear, we are not saying this is a shooting."

"No, of course not. That would be irresponsible."

"But shootings are terrifying."

"And these people are terrified."

"Let's take another look:"

Video recorded LIVE at the scene!

"At this point, the only thing that can reasonably... and legally... be assumed at this point is that everybody you do not see in this video is currently unaccounted for, and could be seriously wounded or dead maybe. There's just no way to know at this point. All we can do is show the video again:"

Video recorded LIVE at the scene!

"That... is terrifying."

"Bob, police are on the scene and are saying that it is not a shooting."

"Details are still emerging as this situation continues to develop."

"The police say that they have been releasing statements for the the last 20 minutes, confirming that this is definitely not a shooting."

"Well, we have some Twitter reports from people at the mall who say they heard what sounded like firecrackers."

"Yeah, but the police are pretty emphatic. They said that absolutely no shots were fired."

"Firecrackers can be terrifying."

"That's true. Especially when they're gunshots and not firecrackers."

"Exactly! Roll the video:"

Video recorded LIVE at the scene!

"We're joined now by our resident psychological expert, Dr. Carl Von Trimble. Dr. Von Trimble, what can you tell us about what's happening here?"

"Well, keep in mind that I have absolutely no idea what is happening as I have just seen this video for the first time. What's going on? Is that at the mall?"

"Yes, the mall where something terrifying, not unlike a mass shooting, appears to be taking place."

"In that case, my expert analysis is that I agree."

"Want to see the video again?"

"Oh yes, please!"

Video recorded LIVE at the scene!

"We'll be right back to continuous coverage of this terrifying, mall-mass-shooting-esque incident. Stay tuned and stay terrified."

Mischief. Mayhem. Rooftops.

The first rule of Rooftop Fight Club is "You do not talk about Women's Rooftop Fight Club".
Well, actually it's "Be very careful when you're near the edge of the roof", Because, you know, we're all up here on the roof of a building and safety first. After all, the last thing we want is for someone to be seriously injured or even killed. But right after that, the rule is "You do not talk about Women's Rooftop Fight Club".

Black Friday remorse

This note, scrawled in blood in the margins of a sales circular, was found among the debris left behind after Black Friday at a local Wal Mart:

Dear son,
I want you to know that I died tonight, here at Wal Mart, pinned between a pallet of slow-cookers and a bin full of discount DVDs, with the screams of other shoppers and chants of "World Star!" ringing in my ears. Even now, as the eternal darkness descends, I am within sight of a dwindling stack of PS4s, one of which I had hoped to get you for a Christmas gift. So close and yet so far. As the life ebbs from my mangled body and I wait to be hauled off, along with all the others, to the mass grave that is located behind every Wal Mart, I want you to know I don't regret a single thing I ever did in my life.
Except this.
In hindsight, hoo boy, this was an incredibly bad idea and I shouldn't have done it. I mean, you already have a perfectly good XBox. So I guess I only have one regret, but it's a pretty significant one, and essentially, it's all your fault. Anyway, Merry Christmas. you greedy little shit.

Classic joke, classic customer service problem

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

Gabe, before I send this out, take a look and tell me what you think. Thx. -G
Hey lady,
Uh, you're welcome?
Sincerely,
God

Well, while the response is merited, it's kind of beneath You. Why don't we handle this one departmentally?
- Gabriel

Good call, Gabe. That's kind of what I thought. Take care of passing this on, please. Thx again. -G

Hey guys,
We need you to handle this situation, please. Feel free to utilize whatever measures necessary to make her happy. This is coming straight from the top!
Thanks!
- Gabriel

Wow! Okay, well, we'll see what we can do.

'ppreciate it muchly!

Dear ma'am,
We have received your complaint regarding your grandson's lost hat. As you might expect, we get hundreds, if not thousands of drowning victims on a daily basis and dozens of them are wearing hats for some reason. Unfortunately, we simply do not have the ability to maintain and manage a Lost and Found Department and are unable to return his hat to you. Actually, we do have a pretty extensive Lost Department; you are more than welcome to explore our extensive archive yourself, although you may find that to be cost prohibitive. We would recommend simply incurring the relatively minor expense of purchasing the boy a new hat. We apologize for the inconvenience and would like to offer you some compensation in the form of sea shells, free of charge. Many people find them very pretty and use them in a variety of ways to decorate their homes. Simply stop by any one of our convenient beach locations all over the world and pick them up, as many as you want. Again, we're sorry that we're unable to grant your request but we hope that you will continue to patronize us. We value our cuctomers!
Sincerely,
The Ocean

What am I going to do with a bunch of shells from dead sea creatures? Why can't you just find the hat and return it? How hard can it be to find one hat? This just happened!

Ma'am,
We understand your frustration. Please understand that we have a vital role in maintaining the global eco-system and our resources are all allocated to that effort. While it may seem like a simple task to simply return your lost item (such as was miraculously accomplished in the case of your grandson himself), the fact is that our vast network of tidal surges and powerful undercurrents could very well have carried the hat to Puerto Rico by now. We just don't know. Again, we value our customers and understand that you have been inconvenienced. We would like to offer you some free fresh seafood as a gesture of apology. Certain varieties of fish are quite delicious! Simply stop by any of our convenient locations, catch as many as you like, take them home and eat them.

Sincerely,
The Ocean

What do I look like, a fisherman? How is a fish going to protect the little pisher from sunburn? You want he should wear a mackarel on his head? My son Peter married a shiksah from Minnesota where they have 10,000 lakes. They never have problems like this! Some fercockt lake in the middle of nowhere offers better service than the largest bodies of water in the whole world? Such a disappointment you are.

I knew I should have just kept the damn kid in the first place. Oy gevaldt.

In other words, perfect

He couldn't bear the thought of being one of those scorned, ridiculed and pitied for being alone on Valentine's Day. It was unfortunate that he came to this realization on February 2nd, as it put him behind schedule but he was undaunted. He'd identified a suitable object of affection. She was attractive but not to the extent that she would be put off by his advances. He imagined that her speaking voice wouldn't be too grating and that her laugh, if she were inclined to find something humorous, would be pleasant and not too overbearing. In other words, she was perfect.
He decided that in light of the time constraint imposed by his hasty realization that what was needed to get her attention was a single, grand and spectacular gesture. He thought relatively long and hard about what to do before eventually deciding that he would steal a motorcycle and give it to her as a present. His reasoning was sound: women like tough guys, tough guys ride motorcycles, women like nice guys, nice guys give presents, women like men who steal things, a man who steals motorcycles to give as presents is ideal. In other words, perfect.
This was, sadly, the best and most logical plan he had ever come up with. What made it sad is that she was entirely unimpressed. Mostly because she didn't know anything about it. He had been caught in the act and apprehended. In other words, beaten severely by the owner of the motorcycle.
He pleaded incessantly with the doctors and nurses at the hospital, imploring them to release him so he could secure his intended sweetheart's love in time for Valentine's Day. They rejected his pleas on the grounds that a man whose injuries were so severe as to require the removal of his spleen should take a few days to convalesce. In other words, lay around and do nothing.
This displeased him but he had no choice. As he lay there in bed, he thought about his plan and tried to figure out how it had failed. He ran it over and over in his mind and eventually came to the conclusion that it had been too grand and spectacular. A smaller, simpler gesture would have been much easier to execute and could have just as much romantic impact as a grand, spectacular gesture. Women are simple, foolish creatures when it comes to romance, he reasoned, without the discernment to tell the difference between small and simple or grand and spectacular. He was pleased with himself for figuring this out, mostly because he had done so on February 13th. In other words, he still had time to commit the small and simple gesture that would win her heart in time for Valentine's Day.
With mighty effort he pulled himself out of the hospital bed. Taking slow, painstaking steps down the hall to the hospital gift shop. With the last bit of money he had, he purchased a shiny, red, mylar balloon in the shape of a heart and filled with helium. He shuffled out of the hospital before an orderly could stop him and immediately stepped into the path of an incoming ambulance. It started to rain as the heart-shaped balloon slowly floated up into some overhead power lines, causing a transformer to explode, knocking out power for four blocks, including the hospital. In other words, a whole bunch of people in the hospital died.
Somewhere across town, the woman he had hoped to woo watched the story of the hospital blackout on television and expressed scorn, ridicule and pity towards somebody who would equate love with a single, arbitrarily selected date on a calendar and kill a bunch of people in a hospital while getting run over by an ambulance as a result of this confusion. In other words, perfect.

The National Anthem Singer Show!

Hi folks. Welcome to the National Anthem Singer Show, where we fairly and objectively rank those who sing "The Star Spangled Banner" and sometimes "O Canada" prior to your favorite sporting events. I'm your unbiased host, Clark Brooks. We have some great singers here for you today. Let's get to it, shall we?
First up, let's see, it's Ms. Linda Haverlin of Pocatello, Idaho. Okay, Linda let's see what you've got.

LINDA: Thank you. I'd just like to say that this is such an honor and opportunity for me.

Well, thank YOU, Linda! So before we hear you sing, let me just ask you, how much of an influence has Vanessa Rodriguez been on you, and not just your singing but everything in your entire life?

LINDA: Um, I'm not sure I know who that is...

All right. Sing anyway, I guess. Go.

LINDA: (sings Star Spangled Banner)

Okay. That was fine, I suppose. On a scale of zero to Vanessa Rodriguez, with Vanessa Rodriguez being the best and zero being just godawful, I'd say you're a four. Or 40% as good as Vanessa Rodriguez. It's not good but you have something to build on. So that's it for you.

LINDA: Oh. Okay. Thank you, I...

Get out. Next.
Okay, next up it's, let's see here, Mr. Guy LaPlouf of Montreal, Canada!

GUY: Oh thanks, eh? It's great to be here!

Well, we're pleased to have you here. Before you start singing, did you happen to notice Vanessa Rodriguez out in the lobby?

GUY: Uhhh, no, no I don't think so...

Oh. Okay. Sometimes I just like to check, just in case she decides to come by and check out the show or whatever. It could happen, right?

GUY: Yeah, I suppose so. But I didn't see anybody out there, so...

All right, all right. We'll listen to you instead then. Go ahead.

GUY: Okay then! Well, I'd like to perform the Canadian national anthem of "O Canada", but with a twist; I'll be performing it in French!

I think we've heard enough.

GUY: But I didn't even...

No, no, I get it. "O Canada, our home and tra la la. Je suis croissant and maple-flavored ham." Very nice.

GUY: Those aren't the lyrics and that's very offensive.

Look, I don't like you, I don't like your attempts at fancy trickery, I think your haircut is ridiculous. On a scale of zero to Vanessa Rodriguez, I'm giving you a one. And that's because you're wearing a bow tie and I know those are not easy to tie. Bon soir and vios con carne, mon ami. Who's next? Is it Vanessa Rodriguez? No, of course not. Who is it?

ANNA MAE: It's me, sweet little Anna Mae Daffledecker of Crossbreeze, Oklahoma!

Oh boy.

ANNA MAE: I've been performing on stage since I was five and just this past spring I was the lead in the Crossbreeze Community Players' production of Annie!

Good grief.

ANNA MAE: And now, for your viewing and listening pleasure, I will now perform The Star Spangled Banner, in the style of Christina Aguilera!

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Hold on a second. Do you think you could maybe sing it in the style of Vanessa Rodriguez instead, Anna Mae?

ANNA MAE: (Giggles) I could, but I've never heard of her, silly!

Get out! Get out, get out, GET OUT! I want you to leave, right now! Go! Go back to Oklahoma, forget about Christina Aguilera, study Vanessa Rodriguez and don't come back until your mere presence doesn't make everybody, including World War II veterans, hate America!

ANNA MAE: I'm only 11 and you're frightening me!

I swear to God, I will throw a lawn mower at you if you don't get out of here right now. And if you don't think I have a lawn mower, you just stand there five more seconds AND YOU WILL FIND OUT THE HARD WAY!!!
Well, that's our show, folks. Sorry to say, once again we see that there is a complete lack of Vanessa Rodriguez-like talent out there. Tune in next week and see if that changes, but don't get your hopes up. Good night.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really like Vanessa Rodriguez

Network: 2014

The 1976 film "Network", starring Faye Dunaway, William Holden and Peter Finch was a satire about the media, particularly television, and the role it plays in our lives. If it were released today, it probably would have been a completely different movie. It might not have even been a movie.
It might have been a blog.
Like this:

BEALE'S BLOG

"I'm the mad prophet of the internet!"

November 27, 2013
I'M MAD AS HELL!

I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's worth. Banks are going bust. Shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's no one anywhere that seems to know what to do with us. We know the air is unfit to breathe, our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our computers while some local newscaster tells us that today we had 15 homicides and 63 violent crimes as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad. Worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy so we don't go out anymore. We sit in a house as slowly the world we're living in is getting smaller and all we say is, "Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster, and computer, and my steel belted radials and I won't say anything." Well I'm not going to leave you alone. I want you to get mad. I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot. I don't want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crying in the streets. All I know is first you've got to get mad. You've got to say, "I'm a human being. God Dammit, my life has value." So, I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window, open it, and stick your head out, and yell, "I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!" I want you to get up right now. Get up. Go to your windows, open your windows, and stick your head out, and yell, "I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!" Things have got to change my friends. You've got to get mad. You've got to say, "I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!" Then we'll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open your window, stick your head out and yell, "I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!"


26 Comments:

Jeff said...
Ok WTF????!!!!!??

Tyler said...
Decaf maybe?

Carol said...
LOLLOLOLOLOLL!!!!!!!!

Mike said...
Srsly, WTF????????????????!!!!!!????????

Howard said...
Because you people, and sixty-two million other Americans, are listening to me right now. Because less than three percent of you people read books! Because less than fifteen percent of you read newspapers! Because the only truth you know is what you get over the internet. Right now, there is a whole, an entire generation that never knew anything that didn't come out of the internet! The internet is the Gospel, the ultimate revelation. The internet can make or break presidents, popes, prime ministers... The internet is the most awesome God-damned force in the whole godless world, and woe is us if it ever falls in to the hands of the wrong people

Diane said...
"You people"? SMDH

Kevin said...
Here we go. Somebody's always got to tyr to bring racism into everything.

Jeff said...
^^^ spelled "try" wrong. A three letter word. Dumbass.

Kevin said...
ITS THE INTERNET!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT SPELLING!!!GET OVER YOURSELF!!!

Howard said...
I have seen the face of God.

Rashed said...
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Diane said...
Spam!

Mike said...
OMFG! Russians have dumpsters for rent! Howard was right! LMFAO!

Kevin said...
Rascist!!

KevinSucks said...
^^^ sucks

Kevin said...
STFU JEFF!!!!EVERYBODY KNOWS THATS YOU!!!!!1!!

Howard said...
You're beginning to believe the illusions we're spinning here, you're beginning to believe that the internet is reality and your own lives are unreal. You do. Why, whatever the internet tells you: you dress like the internet, you eat like the internet, you raise your children like the internet, you even think like the internet. This is mass madness, you maniacs. In God's name, you people are the real thing, WE are the illusion.

Max said...
What is this blog supposed to be about anyway? I'm lost #lost

Howard said...
This is not a psychotic episode. This is a cleansing moment of clarity. I'm imbued, Max. I'm imbued with some special spirit. It's not a religious feeling at all. It's a shocking eruption of great electrical energy. I feel vivid and flashing, as if suddenly I'd been plugged into some great electromagnetic field. I feel connected to all living things. To flowers, birds, all the animals of the world. And even to some great, unseen, living force. What I think the Hindus call prana. But it's not a breakdown. I've never felt more orderly in my life. It is a shattering and beautiful sensation. It is the exalted flow of the space-time continuum, save that it is spaceless and timeless and... of such loveliness. I feel on the verge of some great, ultimate truth. And you will not take me off the air for now or for any other spaceless time!

Carol said...
This blog is about how Howard needs to up his meds!!!! LOLLOLOLOLOLLOOOLLOL

Mike said...
Hey Max, we don't use hashtags here. Go back to Twitter, idiot.

KevinSucks
This blog is about Kevin and how he sucks.

Diane said...
ROFL REC'D +1

Kevin said...
Eff this. I'm done.

Howard said...
What is finished... is the idea that this great country is dedicated to the freedom and flourishing of every individual in it. It's the individual that's finished. It's the single, solitary human being that's finished. It's every single one of you out there that's finished, because this is no longer a nation of independent individuals. It's a nation of some 200-odd million transistorized, deodorized, whiter-that-white, steel-belted bodies, totally unnecessary as human beings, and as replaceable as piston rods... Well, the time has come to say, is dehumanization such a bad word. Because good or bad, that's what is so. The whole world is becoming humanoid - creatures that look human but aren't. The whole world not just us. We're just the most advanced country, so we're getting there first. The whole world's people are becoming mass-produced, programmed, numbered, insensate things...

KevinSucks said...
Kevin sucks.

Comments are now closed for this post.

How boxing was invented

A jousting tournament field somewhere in England on March 24, 1624...

LEOFRICK, VALET TO SIR CEDRIC OF CRANAPPLE: Sir Cedric! I have just learned your next opponent is to be none other than Lord Destro of Shambles-On-Pie!
SIR CEDRIC OF CRANAPPLE: Lord Destro! He's very good, isn't he?
LEOFRICK: He's never known defeat! No one has so much as scored a single point against him!!
SIR CEDRIC: Then this is the greatest challenge I have ever faced. We must come up with a strategy that he has never seen before. One he can't anticipate and for which he will have no defense. He will be on horseback and approaching me at great speed armed with a lance, correct?
LEOFRICK: Aye, sire. Such are the standard rules of jousting...
SIR CEDRIC: Ah ha! Then I shall present myself without a horse nor a lance, standing relatively still in one spot. He would never expect me to employ such a tactic!
LEOFRICK: That's probably true...
SIR CEDRIC: Then when he gets very close, I shall pepper him with blows from my fists. Delivering damage to the body and head, inflicting punishment to the degree that he becomes disoriented and incapacitated and eventually falls to the ground unconscious. The judges, seeing him prostate at my feet for a count of, oh, say, 10 or so, will declare him unfit to continue and I will be declared champion!
LEOFRICK: I... guess that's not theoretically impossible... but he will undoubtedly still be wearing his armor, my liege.
SIR CEDRIC: Ah yes, good point! For the sake of consistency, I shall wear none. I shall fight him naked. Thank you.
LEOFRICK: That isn't why I...
SIR CEDRICK: No, you're right. I should maintain a level of modesty and decorum for the sake of the non-combatants in attendance as spectators. Instead, I shall wear the briefs you so thoughtfully got me as a Boxing Day gift.
LEOFRICK: Umm...
SIR CEDRICK: It is decided. Prepare my Boxer Briefs for battle.

Sir Cedric lost his match that day, suffering a head wound the size of a jousting lance which caused all of the blood inside of his body to end up on the ground outside of  his body. Those in attendance who had placed wagers on the match were outraged and bedlam ensued. Most of the wagers were resolved via fisticuffs which probably turned into boxing at some point, I guess.

Welcome to Very Short And Specific Celebrity Impression Theatre

Good evening and welcome to Very Short And Specific Celebrity Impression Theatre. Today, I will be portraying actor Sean Penn in our presentation of "Sean Penn Wants To Watch a Specific YouTube Video But There Is a One Minute Commercial That He Can Not Skip After Five Seconds". There will be no intermission during "Sean Penn Wants To Watch a Specific YouTube Video But There Is a One Minute Commercial That He Can Not Skip After Five Seconds" so snacks and soft drinks will not be served in the lobby. However, if you enjoy "Sean Penn Wants To Watch a Specific YouTube Video But There Is a One Minute Commercial That He Can Not Skip After Five Seconds", please stop by the box office on your way out and pick up a flyer that lists the remaining productions this season as well as information regarding subscriptions for next season. Those interested in donating or volunteering should stop by our patron services desk.
Funding for Very Short And Specific Celebrity Impression Theatre productions like "Sean Penn Wants To Watch a Specific YouTube Video But There Is a One Minute Commercial That He Can Not Skip After Five Seconds" is made possible by a grant from the Milkhammer Trust. We'd also like to thank our corporate sponsors for supporting our production of "Sean Penn Wants To Watch a Specific YouTube Video But There Is a One Minute Commercial That He Can Not Skip After Five Seconds". Of course, it would be impossible to present "Sean Penn Wants To Watch a Specific YouTube Video But There Is a One Minute Commercial That He Can Not Skip After Five Seconds" without the efforts of our volunteers, so a huge thank you to them on behalf of the cast and crew of "Sean Penn Wants To Watch a Specific YouTube Video But There Is a One Minute Commercial That He Can Not Skip After Five Seconds". And without further ado, please enjoy "Sean Penn Wants To Watch a Specific YouTube Video But There Is a One Minute Commercial That He Can Not Skip After Five Seconds"

(HOUSELIGHTS DIM, CURTAINS OPEN AND A SINGLE OVERHEAD SPOTLIGHT ILLUMINATES A DESK, UPON WHICH SITS A COMPUTER. "SEAN PENN" IS SEATED AT THE DESK AND CLICKS THE MOUSE. A VIDEO ON THE POPULAR WEB SITE "YOUTUBE" IS SELECTED. HOWEVER, IT IS PRECEDED BY A COMMERCIAL FOR PROGRESSIVE INSURANCE AND THERE IS NO "SKIP" OPTION AVAILABLE.)

"Sean Penn": Darn. (clicks some other video and watches that instead).

Thank you, thank you. You're too kind. Thank you.

A ridiculously inconsistent guide to the World Series

In case you're not a sports fan, you are probably not aware that something very important is about to happen: The World Series. This is a seven-game series to determine the world champion of all the baseballs. That means we will know who the best baseball team in the world is and that team will be allowed to have free french fries for a year! Again, if you're not a sports fan, I'm here to give you everything you need to enjoy this grand spectacle.

Our two combatants are the Boston Red Sox and the St. Louis Cardinals.

WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT THE ST. LOUIS CARDINALS: I have been to St. Louis once, to serve as a groomsman in my friend Jenniffer's wedding. During the reception, one of the other groomsmen, a bridesmaid and I snuck out and went to Ted Drewes which is a place that serves frozen custard and is a St. Louis landmark. There, we ran into a bunch of Cardinals fans who were celebrating after attending a playoff win over the Colorado Rockies. They were cool. We had fun.
WHAT TO KNOW ABOUT THE BOSTON RED SOX: Red Sox fans are assholes. The only fans worse are those from Philadelphia. At least Red Sox fans are people. Rude, obnoxious, stupid, marble-mouthed drunks who talk like they've suffered a head injury and only cheer for their teams when they're winning, but people.

WHO WILL WIN? If there is a just and merciful God, not the Red Sox. I mean, I hope the Cardinals do.

FUN FACT: The Tampa Bay Rays, a wildcard participant in the playoffs (in spite of spending a mere fraction of what other teams do on payroll) but not going to the World Series, again, are a team full of charm and personality.

FUN FACT: Some of the Red Sox players grew beards.

FUN FACT: There is actually a secret law that prohibits teams from Boston and Philadelphia competing head-to-head for championships in any sport because that many assholes in one spot at the same time would be really, really bad. The Eagles played the Patriots in Super Bowl XXXIX only because Super Bowls are played in neutral sites attended exclusively by high rollers and actors who just happen to have a new show that will be cancelled within six weeks on the network broadcasting the game. Not enough Boston and Philadelphia fans are able to get time off from their jobs of vomiting on children to travel to New Orleans or Miami to create that much of a noticeably more negative impact on those hellholes.

FUN FACT: I hate Red Sox fans.

FUN FACT THAT ALL SPORTS FANS ALREADY KNOW: Broadcasters are trained to hate your team. Here's what it happens in their secret meeting before every big match-up in every sport:
NETWORK GUY: Don't forget to say only negative things about (your name here)'s team and only positive things about the opponent.
PLAY-BY-PLAY GUY: Got it. Because taking a bias and sticking to it regardless of what actually happens during the game is the best way to drive consumrs to our sponsors.
NETWORK GUY: It's the only way!
COLOR GUY: Excuse me, how often should I say something wacky, archaic and/or borderline offensive?
NETWORK GUY: Why don't you fire one off now?
COLOR GUY: (sighs, puts on deliberately tacky sportscoat and a silly hat) Jumpin' Jackie Robinson, the Negroes in this league just keep gettin' better and better!
PLAY-BY-PLAY GUY: Ha ha! Classic!
NETWORK GUY: Aren't you forgetting something?
COLOR GUY: Oh yeah. (clears throat) Budweiser me!
PLAY-BY-PLAY GUY: Ha ha! Never gets old!
COLOR GUY: (to himself) I was supposed to die some time during the '70s.

FUN FACT: The eventual goal of every sports broadcaster is to stick around long enough to turn into a clown, a beloved catch-phrase spouting buffoon who is a caricature of the professional broadcast journalist he was at some point in his life, hopefully with side gigs playing an even more cartoonish version of himself in video games and movies while also shilling appeteaser specials for a national chain of horrible neighborhood-style tavern/eateries.

 There are, of course, notable exceptions

Hit the switch

There are people who believe that folks choose their sexual orientation, that it's no different than picking between ice cream flavors. They also believe that if you choose to be gay, you can choose to be un-gay. It's simply a matter of resolve and will power. Most people today don't subscribe to that, but I think there was a time not that long ago when that was a pretty prevalent opinion.
In a way, it's a shame that's no longer a widely-held belief. Because the ability to swap sexual preferences at will, if managed properly, could be a very effective social defense mechanism.
Think about it; you're on a "boys night out". It's late, you've eaten all the chicken wings you possibly can, the game is over, you want to go home but somebody orders another round of beers.

"Not for me, thanks. Can I get some water?"
"Water?!? Come on! What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing's wrong with me. But I'm gay now."
"Oh. Okay."

Odds are they won't challenge you on the grounds that gay people can like sports, chicken wings and beer until it's too late. But even if they do...

"So what? Since when can't gay people drink beer?"
:You're trying to keep me here against my will. That's illegal. And since I'm gay now, it's also a hate crime."

Listen, there's nothing we can do about our ethnic background, even though there are occasions when it would be handy to play what's known as "The Race Card". But that's not the case with sexual orientation because it's not something people can determine on sight and it's not even something you'd have to prove!

"If you're gay, go have sex with that guy."
"Here at Hooters?"
"Wherever."
"I'm not attracted to him."

You can be gay and never have sex with anybody. Maybe you're inclined to be asexual. Or have ridiculously high standards. Point being, if you decide to turn gay or straight, nobody can question it.

But providing an escape from your douchebag frat-boy friends isn't the only thing this would be good for. There are countless practical applications. Say you see a girl who is impossibly out of your league...

"Hi there. Do you want to dance?"
"With you? Seriously? HA HA HA HA HA!"
"No? Okay, well, I just turned gay. How about if we dance and I totally feel you up in an ironic funny and not sexual way?"
"Sounds awesome!"

Later, back at her place...

"I like this dress but let me take it off in front of you and try on another one..."
"I'm not gay anymore."
"Oh damn it."
"Look, I've groped you on a dance floor, I've seen you naked, we drank wine and I'm here. We might as well go ahead and have sex."
"I can't argue with that logic."

The next day...

"I wouldn't have guessed, but you're really a great guy! Listen, I know this is sudden since we just met last night, but what do you think about spending the weekend together?"
"No can do. I'm gay again."
"That's okay. I have tickets to see 'Hairspray' at the performing arts center Saturday night!"
"Ooh, no. The Rays are in town and I'll be straight again by then."

A week or so goes by and you give her a call...

"Hey. So I know I was gay the last time we talked but..."
"Forget it. I'm a lesbian right now."
"That's cool! I'm straight now and I kinda dig lesbians!"
"Okay, then I'm straight right now too, just long enough to reject you on the grounds that I'm out of your league. But later I'm going to be a lesbian and I'm going to hook up with a girl as hot as I am. I need you to know that and to know that you won't be involved in any way shape or form. All right?"
"Oh damn it."

Hey, fair is fair.

Special Mothers Day offer for you!



"We love you! Where's our food?"

 It's almost Mothers Day and you know what that means: it's time for predatory companies that exist for the sole purpose of feeding off of people who get panicky about participating in made-up "holidays" that exist for the sole purpose of separating panicky people from their hard-earned money.
Don't get me wrong; mothers absolutely deserve to be honored. If anything, setting aside one measly day out of the whole year is insultingly inadequate. The one day thing is strictly a shoddy excuse for parasitic profiteers to cash in.
Well, I'm here to cash in!
Sure, you could order some flowers. I'll bet your mom would take a lot of comfort and satisfaction in knowing that she raised someone who is incapable of coming up with an original thought. Plus, I'm sure she's a huge fan of watching dead things rot.
You could also order some candy-coated strawberries from Shari's Berries. There's no doubt that they're delicious... and available at any number of local bakeries near you that don't have an 800 number and a computerized shipping department.
Then there's Daryl's Barrels (your mom might make you some pickels!) and Roger's Personal Massagers, two companies I totally made up.
But why mess with the rest when you can go straight to the best; Clark's Marks! Here's how it works:

• You give me $20
• I scribble on your mom with a Sharpie

That's it! More creative than some dumb old flowers! Less permanent than a tacky tattoo! Just check out some examples...




This one is called The Rocky Balboa. It looks like mom went 15 rounds with Apollo Creed and Clubber Lang! Hey, mom, eye of the tiger! Ha ha ha!




Remember the Little Rascals? Mom might. If so, she might enjoy The Petey! How should I know?



I call this one The Ziggy Stardust. Wham! Bam! Thank you, mom!



This one is The Ultimate Warrior or The John Randle or The Gene Simmons or The Batman. It's literally nothing but me scribbling on some poor woman's face. I don't feel good about it. It's still $20 though.

So go to the internet, click on this blog post right here and enter the special coupon code of "RIPOFF" in the box below. Then send me $20. I'll take care of the rest. Don't worry about sending me your mom's address; I'll find her.

Uncle Andy's Dandy Land O' Candy!

Hey kids of all ages, remember when you were little and your favorite thing in the whole world was to pay a visit to Uncle Andy's Dandy Land O' Candy?

"Uncle Andy's? Why, sure I do! I loved going to Uncle Andy's! Candy, as far as the eye could see, any kind you could think of. And the train! He had that wonderful toy train that ran around the entire store. Wow, I haven't thought of that in ages!"

"My goodness, how could I ever forget Uncle Andy's! I would sit for hours and just watch the little toy train make it's way around the store... while eating more than my share of jelly beans, of course. Ha ha!"

"It really was like a magical place; any kind of candy you could think of. And that marvelous little train! I loved that train! Such a delightful childhood memory. I sure do miss good ol' Uncle Andy."

Good news! Uncle Andy is still around and you can step right back into the enchanted days of yesteryear with a visit to Uncle Andy's Dandy Land O' Candy! 

"Yeah, I'm still here, you rat bastards. I mean, the store isn't where it was but it still exists and I still own it. I had to move out of downtown in the 1970's, when it became overrun with junkies, bums and the coloreds. I was in that location for 32 years and since I moved out, it's been six different homo discotheques and burned down twice. All the stores downtown moved to the mall so I did too. I made a go of it there for a while but damn if the same thing that happened downtown didn't happen there too. Mostly in terms of the coloreds. Now, I'm in some non-descript utility warehouse facility out by the highway. It's fine except it's not a place where you're going to find a lot of kids. Obviously, that's not ideal for a good old fashioned candy store. On the other hand, most of my sales are in bulk now so I don't have to bother setting up displays anymore; everything just stays in cardboard boxes, stacked up along the walls. I knew 20 years ago that retirement was a pipe dream and I have bills to pay, so here I am. Honestly, I had hoped I'd be dead by now but I guess God hates me. Every so often, somebody will stop by who used to come in to the store downtown when they were children. They have fat, ugly kids of their own now, and they drag them in here and ask me where the train is, a train I haven't had since some filthy Puerto Rican kid stole the engine just before I moved the hell out of the mall. I'll tell you like I tell them; If you want to look at trains, go down to the goddamn freight yard with the rest of the hobos. Otherwise, unless you're interested in buying a carton of malted milk balls, get the hell out of here and leave me alone, you shit weasels."

"You know, now that I think about it, I remember Uncle Andy usually smelling like whiskey and how he used to warn me and my friends to behave ourselves by showing us a baseball bat he kept behind the counter. And not just a regular baseball bat; this one had nails sticking out of it."

"He was forever sticking his hands down his pants and if he caught you looking at him, he'd mutter something about keeping his shirt tucked in. I was little and naive then but I knew there was something not right about that."

"I stopped in at his store at the old mall once to see if he still had that little toy train. I didn't even touch it but he yelled at me to keep my hands to myself. Then for some reason, he called me a filthy Puerto Rican and came after me with an old baseball bat with nails sticking out of it. On second thought, fuck Uncle Andy. I thought he was dead and I'm sorry to hear that he isn't."