A short conversation about solving a problem

"You're really bothered, aren't you?"
"Yeah, I really am."
"Do you need a hug?"
"A hug? Seriously? Great. Sure. Go ahead and give me a hug. That'll just solve everything."
(Hug)
"Okay, well, yeah. That was actually pretty nice, I guess."

A short conversation during an awkward ride home

(The following takes place in a car after several miles traveled in complete silence)
"So..."
"I really don't want to talk about it, okay?"
"No, no, I just realized I never actually complimented you on being nominated for the award in the first place and I'm sorry that you didn't win. I think you did a great job."
"Oh. Well, thank you. That's nice to hear."
"But what was that?"
"(Heavy sigh)"
"I mean, I'm not threatened. I'm a confident, secure-in-myself man but, this is...you have to admit it's kind of weird, you know?"
"I agree! I'm not enjoying it either."
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yes! I think it's creepy! What would I find enjoyable about it?"
"It's just that when it happened, you looked kind of, I don't know, amused."

"I was shocked! That was an uncontrollable nervous reaction to being caught completely off guard."
"All right. If you say so."
"Listen, I don't know what he's thinking when he does this stuff. Maybe he isn't thinking. I have no idea. All I can tell you is that I'm not doing anything to encourage it."
"The guy has issues."
"Clearly."
"I'm glad you agree."
"So, are you okay?"
"Me? Yeah, I'm fine. I just like we needed to address the situation and air that out. I wanted to see what your thoughts were on the situation. Now that I know how you feel, I'm totally fine."
"Good. Because you have absolutely nothing to worry about."
"That's all I wanted to hear. And for what it's worth, neither do you. (slips Beck's "Morning Phase" into CD player)"

I'm not one to judge, but...

"Hey, so, you used to go out with ______? What do you think of her?"
"Oh, I don't know. She's fine."
"Come on man, just tell me what you think."
"Listen, I'm making efforts to be a better person, and part of that is not being judgmental toward other people, you know? I mean, people are all basically the same. We all have flaws and some people mesh better than others. It doesn't necessarily mean anything, so..."
"I'm not asking for a full psychological profile. Just a thumbnail sketch based entirely on your opinion."
"Well..."
"Come on."
"It's no secret that we didn't really get along. That's nobody's fault, though."
"Right."
"I mean, it could be as much my fault as hers."
"Uh-huh."
"If I'm being totally honest, it's probably more her fault though."
"Oh?"
"She has some annoying traits. But of course, who doesn't?"
"Mmm?"
"But hers..."
"Go on."
"Really annoying..."
"Okay."
"And the thing is, she knows they're annoying. But she doesn't stop. It's like she's trying to be annoying in an aggressive manner."
"Oh, I see."
"What kind of person does that?"
"Well, I guess..."
"A bad person. That's who does that."
"Oh. Okay."
"A real piece of human garbage. I'm sorry to say that, but I really feel that's what she is."
"Oh my."
"She doesn't think before she speaks. She's uninformed. She's rude. She's insensitive. She lacks empathy or any sense of basic human kindness. She laughs at old people when they fall down. She's a high-functioning sociopath."
"..."
"She pushed a blind guy down the stairs once. She boos the Make-A-Wish Foundation."
"Holy... !"
"She made jokes about my genitals."
"Ouch!"
"To my grandmother."
"Wow!"
"She hates children. And I don't mean she doesn't want any. I mean she hates that children exist. She advocated that they be hunted for sport. She had a booth at the fair where she handed out pamphlets and everything."
"Are you serious?"
"One time, she accidentally scratched herself and this bubbling, black tar-like substance oozed out. I went to clean it up and it barked at me."
"That--that's a lot to deal with."
"Tell me about it. Pretty much a 24-hour waking nightmare."
"She is kinda cute, though."
"Oh yeah, she's smokin' hot. I miss her."

A short conversation at a cable news network

"You guys, I'm so depressed."
"Is it the news? I'll bet it's the news."
"Of course it's the news. It's so..."
"Depressing?"
"Yes! Ugh!"
"I know. Everything is so ugh and augh and oog. Nobody is enjoying this news. I mean, at all. You should see my Twitter feed. Ugh."
"Who can blame them? It sucks!"
"I wish I was Jon Stewart."
"Or Stephen Colbert.
"Or The Onion."
"People love those guys."
"Sure. Fake news is hilarious."
"Not like this stuff, so... what did you call it?"
"Depressing."
"Yeah. Ugh."
"You know what we should do? We should pull an Onion!"
"Do what now?"
"An Onion. A fake story!"
"Is that what that's called?"
"Sure. That's where they got the name."
"That is a funny name..."
"So let's do it! Everyone needs a good laugh right now. It will cheer everyone up!"
"Sounds cool! How do we do it?"
"We'll go on the air, keeping totally straight faces, and say they caught a suspect in the bombings!"
"And people will think that's funny?"
"Yes! That's how comedy works! Haven't you seen The Daily Show? It's funny because it's fake. 'Oh, look everybody, here's George Bush driving a car' or whatever."
"Ha ha ha! Classic!"
"Yeah, but we gotta keep totally straight faces. No cracking up like Carol Burnett."
"But what if people take it seriously and they think a suspect really is in custody?"
"Then it's even funnier! Then it's like, 'ha ha, because some people are so stupid!' Right?"
"Yeah! Oh, this is gonna be fun. We're gonna Onion America good!"
"We're gonna totally Onion the shit out of America!"

A short conversation between an NFL player and the team physician

"How's it look, doc?"
"Well, not good, frankly. The results are in and it looks like you have failed the physical exam. This essentially voids your contract with the team."
"Wow. This is a lot to process. I guess I'll need to worry about my career options later, but more importantly, am I okay? Do I have serious medical issues that need immediate attention?"
"Who gives a shit? Next!"

A short conversation in Woodbury, Georgia

"Hi there! What can I do for you today?"
"Hello. I'm looking for work. It's rough out there."
"Hey, you don't have to tell me! Rough isn't even the word for it."
"Yeah, I'm sure you know what's going on."
"Better than many, my friend. Believe me."
"So I came across your town here and I have to say, all things considered, it looks pretty good."
"Well, thank you! We're quite proud of it."
"I'd go so far as to call it idyllic. Parts of it, anyway. I mean, overall, it seems nicer than where I lived before the whole, well, you know."
"Idyllic! Why, that's wonderful! I'll pass along your kind words to the top management. I'm sure he'll appreciate it. So tell me a little about you."
"Sure! Well, I can run really good. I'm fast, elusive, lots of endurance."
"Obviously! Ha ha!"
"Ha! Yeah! Anyway, I never really had much experience with weapons but it turns out that I'm a pretty good shot. Also, I'm a whole lot better at stabbing than I ever would have guessed. Not sure I needed to learn that about myself..."
"Hey, we do what we have to do right?"
"Yes, that's right. But where I think I can really be an asset to Woodbury is my specialized skills; I'm a doctor. A surgeon, in fact. And when I was a kid, my dad was a mechanic and taught me all about engine repair."
"That is impressive!"
"Thank you!"
"How are you at coming and going?"
"... coming and going? What's that?"
"You know, coming here and then leaving and going there. That kind of thing."
"I... I'm not sure I understand."
"See, I don't know if you noticed but Woodbury just has the one main street in the middle of these walls and buildings and a great deal of what people do here is come and go between the buildings, crossing the street, just kind of milling around."
"What's the point of that?"
"It just kind of creates a general sense of hubbub. Keeps folks' minds occupied, gives them something to do."
"Oh, I see."
"We have a security force and they're busy doing all kinds of... well, I'd rather not go into detail about what they do."
"Sure, I understand."
"So we're kind of stocked up in the whole 'specialty skills' department."
"Ah. Okay."
"But we can always use more hubbub! If you're interested, that is."
"That'd be fine! Why don't you uncuff me from this table and I'll see if I can demonstrate my coming and going ability for you? Please don't judge too harshly; one of your security personnel smashed me in the forehead with a rifle butt and I am a tad woozy."
"Ooooh, not sure we're ready to take that step yet. Let me hear how you would sound if it was necessary for you to murmur in a large crowd first."

A short conversation aboard the mothership orbiting Earth right this minute

"Bxgzylrk, bring up the surveillance feed. I feel today would be a good day to invade but I want to see what the Earthlings are doing right now before I make that decision."
"Yes Captain."

"Oh my. What are they fighting over? Medicine? Food? Warm winter clothing?"
"No Captain. Cell phones."
"Cell phones?"
"Yes, Captain. Personal communication devices designed to..."
"I know what cell phones are. Don't merchants normally provide them to their customers free-of-charge as part of service agreements?"
"Yes, Captain. But these have games on them. And cameras."
"Cell phones have never had games and cameras on them before?"
"..."
"Is this from a part of Earth where cell phones were previously unavailable until now?"
"No, Captain. This is America. It's safe to assume that 99% of the people we see in this feed already have a cell phone in their possession."
"America? The last time I checked this feed, less than 12 hours ago, these same people were gathered as families and expressing gratitude and satisfaction with their current circumstances. What happened?"
"Something called 'door busters', Captain. Apparently it's an economic ritual that allows Earthlings to save their money by spending significant amounts of it. So far, none of our calculations have been able to replicate similarly favorable results."
"Well, it must be valid. Look at them go!"
"Yes, Captain."
"There must be a logical explanation for this behavior."
"Captain, our research indicates that the Earthings are ... crazy."
"I can't imagine that's accurate. Is this not the same civilization that invented baseball?"
"Yes, Captain. They also invented the practice of paying people to play it."
"Cancel the invasion. I can't deal with crazy people."

A short conversation about kidding around with your buddy

"Hey, you know how we're always joking around, insulting each other, calling each other names?"


"Ha ha! Yeah, you fag. What about it?"


"Well, I just wanted you to know that I actually am gay."


"..."


"It's no big deal. You're my friend and I know you never say it with malice. I just thought you should know."


"Wow. I had no idea. Should I..should I apologize?"


"No, I'm not mad. I was just letting you know for the sake of context going forward. I figured that it was better for me to say something to you than have you find out and maybe feel awkward about it. That's totally unnecessary, because as I said, it's really no big deal. Honestly."


"I kind of...I don't know. This is...um. I don't know what to do now."


"Well, for starters, try not to be such a fag about it."

A short conversation about decisions

"I'm really happy that you decided not to rip off that adorable little roadside fruit and vegetable stand after all."

"Well, I couldn't really pull that off with you deciding not to stop the car, now could I?"

"Life is all about the decisions we make, my friend."

A short conversation about the honor system

"Hey look at that! It's one of those adorable little roadside fruit and vegetable stands where you pick out what you want and the owners trust you to just leave the money for it in a box or a can. I love it! It recalls a better, simpler time, a more innocent time, when we could trust and rely on the character of our neighbors, before we all became so jaded and cynical. A time when we could leave our doors unlocked and our windows open without worrying about our personal safety or our property because we weren't resigned to a society rife with dishonesty, greed and corruption. Obviously, these farmers still believe in that ideal, that which made this country great and can do so once again. There's the proof; they've worked hard to grow these delicious, fresh fruits and vegetables and they trust people to just pay money for their fair worth out of an inherent sense of honor. Well, pull over, because I need some."

"Some fresh fruit and vegetables?"

"No, some money. The can's sitting right there. Keep the motor running."

A short conversation about personnel decisions

They also serve who only explode and die.



"Sir, did you complete the assignments for today's mission?"

"Almost. I'm having trouble with this last slot though. I just can't decide between Porkins or Skywalker."

"Porkins is a good man..."

"You know what? Porkins is a good man. He always does a great job as Santa the Claus at the annual Christmas party."

"The children love him, sir."

"It's just that, well, I feel like the universe is sending me a hint, you know?"

"The universe, sir?"

"Yeah, I try to keep an open mind about The Force; I don't necessarily believe but I don't discount either. But here I am, having to choose a team of top-notch combat pilots to take on the Death Star and my choices are a guy named Skywalker or a guy named Porkins. This is big. Like, a star of death, you know? There's no margin for error here. And suddenly, the blueprints for the damn thing suddenly fall into our hands, delivered by somebody named Skywalker? Wow!"

"I guess I can see where that would..."

"I mean, the other guy's name is Porkins. Come on. Porkins?"

"Sir, I'd like to point out that Porkins has gone through all the specialized training and is a veteran of several successful missions, while this Skywalker kid showed up here a couple of hours ago, fresh off a farm where he wasn't even allowed to go shopping by himself, and has apparently gotten at least one old man killed already, so..."

"Well, when you put it like that..."

"Of course, you don't really want to screw around when it comes to The Force."

"..."

"And Skywalker did bring his own robots with him."

"Screw it, I'm going to send them both."

"Goood idea, sir. After all, you know what they say; go big or go home."

"Is...that a Porkins joke?"

"Sir...?"

"Never mind."

A short conversation about gazing at the moon

"Hey, did you check out International Observe the Moon Night this weekend?"

"Of course not. Why would I waste my time doing that?"

"I don't know. It's the moon. It's pretty cool if you think about it."

"It's not cool at all. It's completely useless. Astronauts went there years ago and all they found was rocks, water and air. The only cool things up there are things we left; some golf balls and a couple of used-up robots. Stuff like that. Who needs it?"

"Actually, there's no air on the moon..."

"Even more useless than I thought."

A short conversation about design flaws

"Hey, you got a second?"

"Sure. What's up?"

"I wanted to talk to you about the X217 for a minute."

"Ah yes, The Princess Siparella. I'm pretty proud of that one."

"It's a beautiful piece."

"Well, thanks. I worked hard on it."

"I'll bet. I just wanted to talk to you about the straw."

"You noticed that, huh?"

"Oh yeah. Right away. Jumped right out at me, so to speak."

"Well, your eyes do not deceive you, my friend; it is indeed a bendy."

"That's not...ooh, it is, isn't it? Nice!"

"Spared no expense with this one. Yes sir, this is a top-of-the-line sippy bottle."

"That's...um...that's..."

"Up or down, right or left. See? The way it moves around means it's easy to get your mouth around it."

"Oh my."

"At home, at a picnic table in a public park, in a darkened movie theater, in the back seat of a car..."

"It's not the straw I wanted to talk about...it's the straw placement."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look at the...um...well, the juxtaposition of the...see how, in relation to the figure's torso...?"

"No, I don't see..."

"Right...there."

"Yeah?"

"And...right there?"

"..."

"See it now?"

"Oh my God. Oh God."

"Yeah...that."

"Oh God. Oh dear God."

"Right. So...what do you think?"

"I don't know what to think! This is way past the prototype stage! We're in full production and will be ready to ship in two days!"

"Well, we have to do something. This is terrible."

"I could...move it to the back..."

"Really?"

"Yeah, we could just kind of swivel it..."

"So that it looks like it's..."

"Going in to her..."

"Instead of coming out as a..."

"Would that be better?"

"..."

"..."

"Nah, just leave it the way it is."



This post is dedicated to my dear friend Donna, who found this fantastic item and shared the picture of it. Donna, your new, extended family loves you and we're all here for you. As soon as you're up and running again, we'll all get together at Hooters for lunch where I will behave like a total ass for your dining and dancing pleasure.

A short conversation during a bad date

"All right, I guess we'd better get going or we'll miss the movie."

"Yeah, listen, you're a great guy..."

"Uh-oh."

"...but it's kinda late and I think I'm going to call it a night."

"That's cool. I guess, uh, just pay me for the chicken wings you ate and we'll be all set."

"What are you talking about? You didn't pay for my wings. I did."

"True, but I did have to sit here and watch you eat them."

A short conversation about the difference between geeks and nerds

"Hey, what's up, Nerd? What kind of Nerd-tastic activities are you into today?"

"Okay, I know my fascination with gadgets and technology is somewhat obsessive and in today's society, certain terms that used to be considered insults or slurs towards people like me are now embraced affectionately as terms of endearment. I'm fine with that. But as I keep telling you, I'm a Geek. Get it right. Not a Nerd, a Geek. Got it?"

"Same thing, Nerd."

"No, they are not the same thing. In fact, I have a Venn Diagram that will illustrate the difference for you. Once and for all, hopefully."

"Oh, this ought to be good.""Now, as you can see, the graph represents three basic elements: Intelligence, Obsession and Social Ineptitude. At the intersection of Intelligence and Obsession is where you find Geeks, like me. In order to be labeled a Nerd, you would also have to add Social Ineptitude. I am not socially inept. Therefor, I am a Geek, not a Nerd."

"Okay, I see now..."

"Good. Thank you."

"...that I've been right all along. Because if possessing a Venn Diagram that illustrates how you are not a Nerd isn't the most socially inept behavior imaginable, then actually whipping it out to show people clearly is. Thank you for proving that beyond a shadow of any reasonable doubt for me, you Ultra-Nerd."

A short conversation about the oil spill

"All right, it's been three weeks since the Deepwater Horizon sunk and this nightmare began. Please tell me you have something, some kind of viable solution to fix this disaster. Please."

"Oh, we've got something, sir. We've got something spectacular! Dolphins!"

"Dolphins?"

"Dolphins, sir! We have a genetics lab and our engineers have been working tirelessly to successfully breed a dolphin with opposable thumbs. They're highly intelligent creatures. They can swim. We'll train them to weld, they'll go down there, fix the leak, pop back up to the surface and balance a colorful ball on their nose. It will be ecologically safe and it will be adorable."

"..."

"I've brought along a little friend from the lab to show you just what I'm talking about. Sir, say hello to Beepy The Dolphin, the answer to your prayers!"

"That...is not a dolphin."

"Sure it is. It looks different from other species because of the genetic mutations, but..."

"That is clearly a raccoon. That's a raccoon and it's wearing a pair of swim fins and some welding goggles."

"Well, it's a prototype. And it's something they came up with in genetics. I'm not directly responsible for..."

"And now it's loose in my office! You idiot!"

"You're going to want to put your top men on catching him, sir, and right away. I can't completely guarantee that Beepy isn't rabid. Carl was bitten on the drive over here and he's been really, really thirsty since then."

"So that's it? That's all you've come up with so far?"

"Yeah. I mean no. No, that's not all..."

"Well, what else then?"

"We thought, uh, we could go down there and, um...

"Yes...?"

"And, like, jam a bunch of stuff in the leak hole and make it stop that way..."

"Stuff? What kind of stuff?"

"Uh...shredded stuff. Maybe some car tires? All shredded up"

"You're going to jam shredded tires in there..."

"And golf balls? Shredded."

"Nothing you have presented today seems remotely scientific in any way shape or form."

"Well, frankly sir, science is kinda what got us into this mess, so..."

"I can't believe this. I have a press briefing right outside those doors in less than five minutes and I have no updates to share with the American people about what is being done to repair a ruptured pipe that has been gushing five thousand barrels of oil into the Gulf of Mexico every day for almost a month! What am I supposed to stand up there and say?"

"Um, actually I can give you a scientific update about the five thousand barrels a day..."

A short conversation about coleslaw

"Ugh!"

"What's wrong?"


"There's a...a bone in my coleslaw."


"Gross."


"No kidding. And and weird."


"Not that weird at all. Have you ever seen how they make that stuff?"


"Sure I have. It's cabbage and carrots and mayo and vinegar. Why in the world would there be a bone in coleslaw?"


"You got your big food manufacturers, operating around the clock, trying to meet the nation's insatiable demand for coleslaw. The slicers are probably enormous, operating at extremely high speed, like jet turbines in facilities the size of the Astrodome. Then you get some overworked, undereducated operator, he's worried about making his mortgage payment and then he gets yelled at by the plant supervisor because they're behind schedule. He gets careless and the next thing you know, he loses a finger. Even if he tells somebody about it, which he might not, depending on the finger and how badly he needs his job, they're not going to shut down and dump out a whole enormous vat of coleslaw just because some jamoke screwed up and lost a pinky finger in it. And next thing you know, you find a bone in yours."


"Very, very, very little of what you just said sounds reasonable. And yet, I don't think I want to eat any more."


"Relax, man. It's just a chicken bone. I put it there when you got up to get me a napkin."

"Well, now I really don't want to eat it."

A short conversation about Picture Day, circa 1886

"Okay people. This is a big day for The Bank of Tampa; we are going to have our company photograph taken! This image will stand as document of our pride in this institution, as well as the fidelity and dignity it stands for itself so it's very important that we get this just right. I see you're all wearing your finest three-piece suits. Excellent! Let's all go outside then..."

"Got it, chief."

"Carl, where are you going?"

"Oh, me and Bill and some of the other fellas are going to crawl out of the windows on the second
floor and pose on the ledge."

"Why in the world would you want to do that?"

"I don't know. Inspire our customers? It says, 'Look, we're willing to go out on a limb...well, a ledge...for you'. You know, it's like a metaphor for investments and stuff."

"..."

"Plus, it's kind of bad ass out there. We go out there all the time. We want our picture taken doing that!"

"I don't see what..."

"We're not all going to do it. Nathan's a pussy and so he and some of the others are just going to lean out of the windows."

"I am not a pussy. I just think it would be a good idea to let our customers know that the windows on the second floor are fully functional. That's the kind of thing a person wants to know about their bank. 'Hey, do those windows up there actually open up?' They sure do, Miss Parsons, they most certainly do. And that means you can trust your life savings to us."

"Bill and I are going to take off our jackets, showcase the goods. Nathan, you should scream like a woman or a little girl and it will look like we're rescuing you from falling or something."

"God, I hate you so much, Carl."

"Quiet, all of you! Stop bickering! Now, while I do not see the merit in your ideas, I do trust your judgment as professionals in the fledgling fiduciary industry that is destined to set the course of world history for centuries to come, so go ahead I guess. Just tell the photographer to wait to take the picture until I've gotten all the way up on the roof and standing right next to the sign so people will know we're The Bank of Tampa and only the bank president gets to touch the sign."

A short conversation about the whole Tiger Woods thing

"It's a shame really. It's all just so unnecessary. All he had to do was never get married and none of this would even be news."

"I know. He's a young professional athlete who makes a ton of money. To some extent, he's expected to fool around with all kinds of women. I wonder why he ever did get married."

"Maybe he's gay."

"..."

"See, a lot of guys who are gay don't want to come out. They're embarrassed or ashamed or afraid of what their friends and family will think or whatever. So they have a girlfriend or even get married and have kids and then everybody assumes they're straight. Happens all the time."

"I'm pretty sure that's not what's going on here. There are now 14 different women who claim to have had an affair with him."

"Maybe he's really, really gay."

A mind blower