Duh: The Bounty Hunter

Do you have a TV show that you hate but you watch anyway? I'm not talking about a guilty pleasure like "The Brady Bunch" or "T.J. Hooker", something that gives you a campy, so-bad-it's-good feeling of satisfaction. I'm talking about a television show that actually makes you so angry that you'll be switching channels, see a glimpse of it, recognize it immediately as something you hate as you pass it by...and then find yourself going back to watch it, just so your stomach will ache even more. You got one of those? I sure do. It's A & E's "Dog: The Bounty Hunter", and it's about a mulleted cro mag named 'Dog' and his family of cementheads who are all professional bounty hunters in Hawaii. Dog is sort of like the illegitimate love child of Ozzy Osbourne and Brian Bosworth, only with bigger muscles and a smaller brain. But the whole group is a bunch of dimwits who converse in movie cliches (they say things like "let's rock and roll!" to each other with perfectly straight faces) and extreme attitude (just look at their tattoos and haircuts!). They all make me want to go to Hawaii, commit a crime and jump bail just on the off chance that I might get a chance to punch one of them in the face. Jesus, just look at them! You don't have to watch the show even once to know they're stupid (although I have, and they are). I have a hard time believing they're very good at their jobs. I just have to believe there's a lot of footage in the vault at A & E that looks like this:

DOG: Well, today we gotta track down a Mr. Ramon Hidalgo. He's wanted for failing to appear on a drug posession charge. He's a bad boy and we gotta take 'im down! We'll start by calling him up at his last known residence, see if we can't get some clues (dials number)

MALE VOICE ON PHONE: Hello?

DOG: Yessir, is there a Ramon Hidalgo there?

MALE VOICE ON PHONE: Yes. Wait. No.

DOG: Are you sure? I have this as his phone number

MALE VOICE ON PHONE: He's not here. Wrong number. Disconnected. Bzz! Bzz! Bzz!

DOG: Do you know where he is?

MALE VOICE ON PHONE: Um, I think he died. And moved away.

DOG'S WIFE: (whispering) Ask him if he's lying.

DOG: Hey! Are you lying?

MALE VOICE ON PHONE: You mean now? Or earlier?

DOG: Hmmmm...both?

MALE VOICE ON PHONE: Um, no.

DOG: There you go. You've been very helpful. Sorry to bother you, sir.

MALE VOICE ON PHONE: No problem. I'm just sitting here possessing some drugs and not showing up at court.

DOG: Well, you have a good day.

MALE VOICE ON PHONE: You too, asswipe!

DOG: (hanging up) I'm stumped. I guess you can't win 'em all. Call the bondsman and tell him he's out 30 grand.

On the other hand, some seriously good crime & punishment TV is "Party Police" on Court TV. which I caught for the first time tonight. It's about the marine patrol in Monroe County. What a job these guys have! They get to drive speedboats, wear cool sunglasses and check out girls in bikinis. Nice! But the best part has to be smacking around a virtually endless supply of drunken, loudmouth morons. Like the idiots on tonight's episode who got in a fight on a boat and got pepper sprayed. After they calmed down, their eyes were stinging something fierce and the deputy advised them to rinse them out with water. So they jumped off their boat into the cool, refreshing, water...cool, refreshing, salt water. Hell, even Dog isn't that dumb. I guess that's the key to law enforcement; you don't have to be smart, just smarter than the bad guys.