Monday, March 31, 2008

Ah, fine dining and sparkling repartee!

I'm either going to have to start giving these their own label or start wearing an iPod with headphones when I eat out. Maybe I'm being followed by camera crews. At any rate, here is yet another overheard restaurant conversation, this time at a nearby Chinese restaurant. I swear to God that everything you're about to read is 100% true and actually happened. The dialogue is as close to verbatim as I could get without actually taping it (I took notes on index cards, which I carry with me at all times because of situations just like this).

Let's meet our cast first:
DAD - Wears a mechanic's shirt and has a jet-black pompadour that sticks out over his forehead like a diving board. Everywhere he goes, DAD's hair arrives five minutes before he does.
MOM - Easily 400 pounds, she is totally engrossd in watching a movie on a portable DVD player. Oddly, she is the only person at the table who doesn't eat anything the whole time.
AUNT (?) - She's related somehow but I can't tell how because she kinda looks like both DAD and MOM.
DAUGHTER - She has brown hair.
SON-IN-LAW - He has a shaved head.
BABY - Belongs to DAUGHTER and SON-IN-LAW.
EVERYBODY - Speaks with the thickest, stereotypical New Yawk accents heard in captivity since "All In The Family" went off the air.

Early on...
DAD - You know what I oughta do? I oughta give give him a fresh one (makes backhand slap motion). Just like that.
AUNT - Ya see? That's ya problem. Always looking for a fight. Ya ya own worst enemy.
DAD - Ahhh, I'm not talkin' about a fight. I'm talkin' about givin' him a fresh one (makes backhand slap motion again). C'mere this...
AUNT - G'head! Hit ya own daughter in public, ya psycho!
DAD - ...give him a fresh one. Right across the eye! Just like that!
MOM - (continues watching movie)

A little later
DAD - I'm gonna burn it. When I get home, I'll just burn it.
SON-IN-LAW - Ya can't burn it.
DAD - Whaddya talkin' about? In the backyard, I'll take a barrel, I'll make a fire and I'll burn it and we'll be done wit' it.
DAUGHTER - Dad, ya can't burn things in the back yard.
DAD - I burn things all the time! Gimme one good reason why I can't just burn it.
DAUGHTER - Ya not allowed. It's illegal. They don't do that here.
DAD - It's illegal?? To burn trash in my own backyard is illegal?
DAUGHTER - Yeah. You can get a fine.
DAD - These people are savages!
MOM - (continues watching movie)

Still later...
MOM - (is continuing to watch the movie)
DAD - Ooh! Ooh! This is a good part! Watch this, everybody! Watch this!
SON-IN-LAW - I like this part!
DAD - Turn it around! Turn it...c'mon they can see it!
MOM - They're not even watching it!
DAD - 'Cause they can't see it! Now turn it...turn...c'mon...
AUNT & DAUGHTER - (are talking to each other, ignoring the movie)
DAD - Aww, they missed it! Ya missed it 'cuz ya too busy yappin', you two! Now we gotta rewind it. Rewind it!
MOM - I don't wanna rewind it! Don't touch it!
AUNT - I don't even care. We saw that movie already, like eight times.
DAD - (to nobody in particular) Ya know what? I oughta give ya a fresh one, ya know that? A fresh one! (makes backhand slap motion)
SON-IN-LAW - Come on, rewind it!
MOM - (fairly panicked) No! Don't!! Aww, look ya stopped it!! Now I gotta start all over again!
DAUGHTER - Ma, ya don't hafta start all over. Just hit "resume". Remember? I showed ya.
MOM - Forget it. I'm turning it off.
SON-IN-LAW - Aww, don't turn it off!
DAD - Fresh one. The whole lotta ya. I oughta give ya each a fresh one. Fresh one, fresh one, fresh one, fresh one (makes four accompanying backhand slap motions). Just like that.
MOM - (turns DVD player back on)

Some time a bit later, a waitress of Asian descent comes over to the table and plays with the BABY...
MOM - Aww, lookit! Lookit how cute!
DAUGHTER - He's got a new friend! (to BABY) Ya playin' wit' ya new friend? Hah? Are ya playin' wit' ya new friend?
DAD - Yeah, right, his "new friend". What's his new friend's name? Is it Ching Chang Chong or is it Chong Ching Chang?
SON-IN-LAW - Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
DAD -Whaaaat?! If somebody's ya friend, ya oughta learn how to pronounce their name properly, that's all I'm sayin'!

Towards the end, a couple of Tampa cops enter to eat dinner and SON-IN-LAW leaves abruptly...
DAD - Where's he goin? Hey, where ya goin'? Where's he goin'?
DAUGHTER - (calls SON-IN-LAW on cell phone)
DAD - Who is he? Now he's Joey Bagel or somethin'?
DAUGHTER - (on cell phone) Brandon, what are you doing?....Whaddya talking about?
DAD - Hey, Joey Bagel! Come back inside, Mr. Big Time. Ya Kung Poo Poo is gettin' cold!
DAUGHTER - (on cell phone) Ya bein' stupid. Ya know that, right? Ya gonna run and hide every single time you see a cop? What kinda sense does that make? There's a lotta cops in the world, ya know!
DAD - C'mon. Tell him I said to come inside. Did ya tell him? Tell him I said to come inside. Come inside already, Joey Bagel Big Time!
DAUGHTER - (on cell phone) Brandon, ya record was expunged! Do you understand? It's like ya never even did nuthin'! Ya got nuthin' to worry about. C'mon!! (to everybody else at the table) He doesn't know what 'expunged' means.
DAD - That kid. He needs a fresh one, like this (makes backhand slap motion yet again) I oughta give him a fresh one!



Marissa said...

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I nearly choked on my NutriSystem pancake. Man, that's some crazy convo to overhear. You crack me up with your note cards. "Ya know what you need? A fresh one." I'm using that today. ALL day and no one will understand what I'm talking about... but I'll be giggling hysterically.

Your record was expunged. Priceless!

Anonymous said...

It's funny because it's unrelentingly unpleasant!

Unknown said...

Thanks, Marissa. I can't live without my index cards!

Anonymous said...

BWA HA HA! A whole family of tools! How much do you want to bet they are all Yankee fans?

janey jay said...

That is brillant. Simply brillant. You cannot make stuff like this up.
I'm totally thinking "A Fresh One" would be an awesome band name.

And what index cards are to you, Moleskine notebooks are to me. I carry one with me wherever I go. Remarkably handy.

Anonymous said...

Isn't it amazing how similar goombahs are to rednecks? They should feel equally at home in New York and Florida.

Anonymous said...

That is so funny, and yet so sad at the same time. You have super sonic robotic ears, Clarkster! - K