Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Dream job!

Since September, I have been very satisfied with my employment situation. I have a full-time job with the Tampa Bay Lightning, a part-time gig at Tampa Theatre and a regular beat at Raw All are really great organizations and it's truly a privilege to be part of them. There's no telling how much of that is influenced by the fact that the previous three years were wasted at the worst company I ever worked for (some day, I'm going to write about just how awful that was, but I currently have people who have my best long-term interests in mind advising me against that and even saying as little as I have here is liable to elicit a rebuke from them). Still, it's almost silly how happy I am when I'm at work now. 

Well, when it rains it pours. Another fantastic opportunity has landed in my lap and this one is a once-in-a-lifetime deal!
But I'm afraid of too much goodness coming my way. I don't want to overdraw my karma account. So I figured I'd try a loophole and create an alter ego. Below is the initial offer I received via email and the correspondence that followed as a result...

I am Dr Joe Collins, Financial Director of WINGAS.
WINGAS deal with oil and gas.It's a work from home position and you are not required to pay any fee before u get started.Your tasks are:

1. Receive payment from Customers inform of checks.
2. Cash Payments at your Bank.
3. Deduct 15% which which is your commission on payment check cashed at the bank.
4. Forward the remaining 85% to the information that will be provided later on via western union money transfer.


#Your full legal name:
#Your full home address including City,State,Zipcode:
#Your age:
#direct contact telephone & Cellphone number
#Bank Name:


Dr Joe-Collins.
Awesome, right? I know!!! I...well, my alter ego...wrote back immediately...

Dear Dr. Joe-Collins,
Thank you for considering me for this position. I'm not sure how you got my contact information, but it's obvious you're familiar with my professional background and individual skillset.

I have been having a bank account with various different amounts of money (off and on) since I was very young. Part of banking, as you are well aware, is the ability to cash AND deposit checks. Sometimes, I have had very little money and other times, I have had a great deal. I have learned that the work required to maintain a good bank account is the same regardless. Right now, I have a great deal of money, due to a settlement I received from an unfortunate tape-rewinding incident at the video store where I used to work that has left me disfigured. One could say almost TOO MUCH money (fortune has been very kind to me overall, aside from the disfigurement which was admittedly a setback). It will be a challenge to keep track of which money is mine and which money belongs to WINGAS. I have no doubt that I am up to this task, however. Because I know how to do spreasdsheets in Excel. My initial thoughts on this is to set up a spreadsheet with TWO columns, one labeled with my name, the other labeled WINGAS. I will highlight the headings with different colors (that's something you can do in Excel!) to further cut down on potential confusion.

I am also very good at working from home. During the period where I have been recovering from being disfigured, I am at home every day, all day long. Not working, obviously, but trying not to startle people with my appearance. At any rate, I have the "home" part down. You can be sure that in my role as a representative of WINGAS that when I am working from home, I will work dilligently, taking only bathroom breaks as absolutely necessary (the storage capacity of my bladder is quite remarkable) one lunch break (I will eat lunch at home) and I won't even turn on the television very often. And if I do, it will be on news or otherwise educational programming and kept at a low volume so as not to distract me from the work at hand. I am taking this very serious and WINGAS will have my full, devoted loyalty. I have been looking for reasons to stay indoors as much as humanly possible and this opportunity is the answer to my prayers. Bless you!!
On a somewhat related note, I would like to ask if WINGAS is affiliated with any recognized charitable efforts to which I could donate some of my extra money? I think it would be nice to have a school or a church named after me for doing something nice for others. Maybe we can re-visit that possibility once I am officially on board with WINGAS and have demonstrated my sincerity and a level of competency.

Thank you so so so much, Dr. Joe-Collins!

Richard Fuchstich
1220 Cedar Place
Sukadik NY 13261

48 years old
VHS Rewinder (I can't really do that anymore)
(813) XXX-XXXX
Chase Bank
Two days later, Richard was hired!

Your information has been screened and your application processed and after all necessary check has been done, we are satisfied and happy to say welcome on board.

According to how you have been briefed earlier, you are required to receive payment on behalf of WINGAS OIL & GAS.
You are to deduct 15% of all funds processed on a particular order and forward the balance payment via Western Union to any of our offices which will be given to you later.
You will notify the company a week ahead if eventually you want to discontinue this job so as to terminate all payment(s) coming your way to avoid conflict.
Be prepared for your first assignment because it is a test of your speed and efficiency in delivering.
Looking forward to you having a rewarding time working together.

N.B-- Send a reply to acknowledge this email as soon as possible (

This is notify you payment has been sent out delivers Thursday Morning via Ups Courier.

Regards and congratulations.

Joe Collins

Yay! That was such an exhaustive screening process that Richard didn't even remember filling out an application! No matter, Dr. Joe-Collins sent the instructions for the first assignment...

Hello Rep,

Please follow the instructions below carefully and completely.
To complete the financial transactions that I have assigned to you in a timely manner:
The payment been delivered to your address via UPS/if not deliver kindly contact UPS ASAP.
1. In order for you to receive your fee, take the payment you have received to your bank and have it deposited into your bank account.
Funds would be available within 24hrs..
2. Once you have cashed the financial instrument I need you to send the excess fund via Western Union as follows:
a. Deduct 15% as your commission.
b. Then from the balance left set aside $45 to cover both wire transfer fee.
c. Send the remaining funds Western Union according to the instructions below.
d. Send $2094.50 to delegate name stated in the mail bellow

Below is the expenditure breakdown:-

Payment Received....$2499.50
Salary/commission .................$375
western union charges (send per min):$45
Western Union Rest of the funds....$2094.50



The information below will aid in the picking up the money. The Western Union Money Transfer Information from you should include:

1.Sender's full name and address as written on the western union receipt
2.Receiver's full name and address as written on the western union receipt
3.Total amount sent in US Dollars
4.Money Transfer Control Number(10 digits MTCN) for the transaction

Please get back to me as soon as possible via email letting me know once you have fulfilled the transaction
It is mandatory you contact me at the above email as soon as transaction is completed so we can have the next payment released to you.
N.B-- Send a reply to acknowledge this email as soon as possible

Joe Collins

Hmm, things seem to have changed. On the one hand, Richard is now being addressed as "Rep", which is not very personal. On the other, Dr. Joe-Collins has dropped his title and his hyphen, which is really informal. Confused, Richard doesn't reply. That prompts this a day later...

Subject: What is going on?

Hello Representative,
What is the current status of your assignment? Have you been to your bank to make the deposit and when will you be completing your assignment?
I will appreciate your prompt reply.
Joe Collins

Oh my! He sounds downright terse! Now, it's not even "Rep", it's "Representative". Richard responds in hopes of getting back in his employer's good graces...

Dear Dr. Joe-Collins,

My current status is that I have the check but have not yet taken it to my bank. I have to be very careful when I make plans to venture outside. The local authorities have asked me to limit my exposure to those who might find my disfigured appearance off-putting. They were polite about it and even brought me a cloak with a hood to wear. Their main concern is a nearby church, whose parishoners might question the very existence of a just and merciful God himself were they to get a glimpse of my grotesque visage. As you can imagine, getting to the bank during times when it is open is EXTREMELY difficult so I try to limit my visits to once a month.
However, I know WINGAS (the BEST company in the world!) needs the money that has been placed in my care and I want to get them what they are owed in a timely fashion. If you remember, I mentioned that I have a great deal of personal money right now (settlement for the disfigurement). Would it be okay if I just paid the fee due ($2094.50) from my own money and then cash the check later? I can even send a couple of extra hundred to cover the expense that arises from cashing the check a few days later.
Let me know if those terms are acceptable.

Richard Fuchstich,
Proud employee of the WINGAS Corporation

Looks like that did the trick!
Hello Richard,

Thanks for the update i agree with you kindly proceed with sending out $2094.50 to the information provided for you once this has been completed kindly get back to me with transaction details

It suddenly occurs to Richard that he never filled out any paperwork. Dr. Joe-Collins probably just forgot. He's obviously a busy man. So Richard had his lawyers shoot over a letter...
Dear Dr. Joe-Collins,

My name is Wendy Burger-King and I am legal counsel assigned to the management of daily affairs of Mr. Ruchard Fuchstich of Sukadik, New York, an individual you recently hired in the position of "Rep".

As you may or may not be aware, Mr. Fuchstich was injured quite severely in a mishap at work. As such, he is no longer capable of holding down a regular job. He received a great deal of money in an injury settlement and in truth, doesn't even need to work. He has more than enough money to sustain him for the rest of what we hope is a very long life. However, he wants to work so that he can stay busy and maintain a modicum of self esteem. So first and foremost, thank you for making this opportunity available.

Secondly, as stated in the first paragraph, I manage Mr. Fuchstich's daily affairs so the burden falls on me to make sure everything is handled in the proper manner in regard to documentation. Mr. Fuchstich has informed that all of your communication so far has been in the form of emails and that he has not filled out a WINGAS job application, a W-4 (US Tax form), an I-9 or any other paperwork that is standard for employment in the United States. Obviously, we want to avoid any potential tax issues as well as limit exposure to any legal liabilities whatsoever. I'm afraid until these steps are taken, Mr. Fuchstich can not be engaged in any kind of tasks on behalf of WINGAS.

Being as this is a matter of international commerce, please also obtain and complete the following forms from your local World Government Office: B-9, I-23, N-42, G-54 and O-69 (NOTE: Of course, as you are undoubtedly aware, you can substitute a waiver of "free space" in lieu of the N-42 if applicable). Once we have received these forms in the proper order, we will have a winning proposition.  Please send them to me via this email address or to Mr. Fuchstich's home address, which you should already have on file. If replying to this email, please "reply all" as Mr. Fuchstich is copied on all correspondence.

Thank you for your immediate attention.
Wendy Burger-King, JD

Williams, Sonoma, Hammacher, Schlemmer, Crate & Barrel
Attorneys At Law (We have offices in most major malls)

I guess paperwork takes time because Richard hasn't heard anything since. I will keep you all updated if anything changes.


JamesB said...

Did they actually send you (I mean, Richard) a check?

I've always thought it would be fun to have the job of trying to catch these scammers by responding to these things and then somehow taking them down. I mean, if someone would pay for the air fare to Nigeria so I could go over there and clean house.

Denise said...

If only you had time to run safaris at I have a feeling they would be the least dangerous/most funny out there.

Why, it's Clark! said...

James: If they did, it was delivered to an address in a city that I made up. That's a little scary in itself.

Denise: I'm a huge fan of the work done by the people on 419eater. They're an inspiration.