Classic joke, classic customer service problem

A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

Gabe, before I send this out, take a look and tell me what you think. Thx. -G
Hey lady,
Uh, you're welcome?
Sincerely,
God

Well, while the response is merited, it's kind of beneath You. Why don't we handle this one departmentally?
- Gabriel

Good call, Gabe. That's kind of what I thought. Take care of passing this on, please. Thx again. -G

Hey guys,
We need you to handle this situation, please. Feel free to utilize whatever measures necessary to make her happy. This is coming straight from the top!
Thanks!
- Gabriel

Wow! Okay, well, we'll see what we can do.

'ppreciate it muchly!

Dear ma'am,
We have received your complaint regarding your grandson's lost hat. As you might expect, we get hundreds, if not thousands of drowning victims on a daily basis and dozens of them are wearing hats for some reason. Unfortunately, we simply do not have the ability to maintain and manage a Lost and Found Department and are unable to return his hat to you. Actually, we do have a pretty extensive Lost Department; you are more than welcome to explore our extensive archive yourself, although you may find that to be cost prohibitive. We would recommend simply incurring the relatively minor expense of purchasing the boy a new hat. We apologize for the inconvenience and would like to offer you some compensation in the form of sea shells, free of charge. Many people find them very pretty and use them in a variety of ways to decorate their homes. Simply stop by any one of our convenient beach locations all over the world and pick them up, as many as you want. Again, we're sorry that we're unable to grant your request but we hope that you will continue to patronize us. We value our cuctomers!
Sincerely,
The Ocean

What am I going to do with a bunch of shells from dead sea creatures? Why can't you just find the hat and return it? How hard can it be to find one hat? This just happened!

Ma'am,
We understand your frustration. Please understand that we have a vital role in maintaining the global eco-system and our resources are all allocated to that effort. While it may seem like a simple task to simply return your lost item (such as was miraculously accomplished in the case of your grandson himself), the fact is that our vast network of tidal surges and powerful undercurrents could very well have carried the hat to Puerto Rico by now. We just don't know. Again, we value our customers and understand that you have been inconvenienced. We would like to offer you some free fresh seafood as a gesture of apology. Certain varieties of fish are quite delicious! Simply stop by any of our convenient locations, catch as many as you like, take them home and eat them.

Sincerely,
The Ocean

What do I look like, a fisherman? How is a fish going to protect the little pisher from sunburn? You want he should wear a mackarel on his head? My son Peter married a shiksah from Minnesota where they have 10,000 lakes. They never have problems like this! Some fercockt lake in the middle of nowhere offers better service than the largest bodies of water in the whole world? Such a disappointment you are.

I knew I should have just kept the damn kid in the first place. Oy gevaldt.