Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Thank you, Burger King!

I don't know if I've ever mentioned this or not, but I'm pretty much completely off of fast food. I might not have, because I'm not one of these people who feel a need to share every last nuanced detail of my personal life. Then again, I could have posted a 700 word post about it because I'm a self-obsessed jackass who is just as prone to oversharing as anyone else. Who knows? Sure, I could do a quick search and find out for sure, but I don't want to.

The point is I don't eat food from fast food restaurants anymore. Mostly.

SOME BRIEF BACKGROUND: I lost most of whatever attraction I had to fast food (Convenience? Value? Quality? All myths) once when I was eating something from Checkers that was just awful. Three bites into whatever horrendous, hot, salted lard lump from a colorful paper bag, shoved at me through a window by some sullen teenager, I just became disgusted and threw it in the trash. I didn't ask for my money back, choosing instead to let it be a life lesson. "Man, Checkers is straight-up garbage." Since then, I cut way, way back on anything allegedly edible purchased from a drive-thru.

But I'm human and weak. And the other day, for whatever reason, I found myself craving a Whopper (with cheese), the flagship burger from Burger King. Nostalgia? Advertising? Self-loathing? All I know is I wanted one.
Here's what it looks like, according to Burger King...
That is one good looking hamburger sandwich! The perfect sesame-seeded dome on top. Sweet creamy mayo. Lettuce so healthy that it appears to be growing on the sandwich itself, like the ivy on the outfield walls at Wrigley Field. Bright, vibrant tomatoes. Cool onion slices, some crispy pickles and ketchup lying on the burger itself, all on top of a soft foamy bottom bun.
What an aesthetically inviting meat item! I wanted one!

So I went to my neighborhood Burger King and ordered myself a Whopper with cheese.
And this is the exact item that I received...
Quite a difference, eh?
Of course I was disappointed, but I thought, "Maybe they just screwed up. They just got the order wrong and slapped a piece of meat between the (deflated, mangled, fissured) buns. I know there are psychos out there who order that kind of thing on purpose. No problem, it's an error that can be fixed."
But then I lifted the top bun, and I swear to you this is true, all the stuff was there! Lettuce, mayo, tomatoes, onions, pickles, ketchup and cheese. None of it looking like anything from the top picture, though. It was all just kind of...droopy. But it wasn't an employee error. Whoever made it, did so exactly as the recipe demands. Can't blame the craftsman if all he has to work with is a set of droopy tools.

I didn't complain. I didn't ask for my money back; technically, they gave me what I ordered. Even though this isn't a burger that should be presented as the signature menu item of a successful global corporation that's been in business for decades. This is a burger that's fallen on hard times and now blows guys in the restroom at the bus station for crack money. As such, I just threw it in the trash and left.

But thanks, Burger King. Sincerely. Because of you, I think I'm finally completely cured from any desire whatsoever to visit a fast food restaurant ever again.

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