Pickled

This is a picture of the fresh pickles they put out at Jimbo's Pit Bar B-Q here in Tampa. Jimbo's is my favorite BBQ in town and these pickles are a big reason why. There's always a huge stainless steel bowl just full of these huge chunks of pickled cucumbers (most take at least two bites to finish).
I was there recently for dinner with a friend and she was less than enthusiastic about partaking.
"I guess they're good, but no thanks."
"You guess they're good?"
"Yeah. But I'm not that excited about them."
"What is wrong with you?"
"Well, mainly, it doesn't seem that sanitary. They're just sitting there, out in the open."
"Let me tell you something; if I walked in here and saw somebody performing a baptism in that bowl, I'd be standing there with a plate in my hand, right behind the kid's grandparents, waiting for them to finish so I could scoop up a plateful of those pickles.
"... "
"If they pulled the baby out of there and there was one of the nice, thick juicy ones I like the best stuck to his right buttock, I'd reach over and say, 'excuse me a sec, if I can just.. get that... ah, perfect, thank you'. Then I'd bite right into it while the family and minister were staring at me and I'd give them a big ol' smile. And if my hands were occupied, I'd just lean right in and eat it right off the ass like a giraffe eating an apple off a tree branch. Yes, you heard me right; I would eat Jimbo's pickles off a stranger's baby's ass."
"Wow."
"I'm just trying to say that I like those pickles. That's all."