Friday, January 10, 2014

Gettin' in Da Club - part 2 of 2

Not so fast, would-be club member.
After repeated phone inquiries which resulted in un-returned voice mails, I guess The Exclusive Wealth Club does not want me as a member. And it's not because of what I wrote here on Wednesday; all my phone calls were made before that was published. Something else has derailed my attempt to join this club. Something in the timbre of my voice, perhaps? Maybe my lack of education and upbringing shows through in my manner of speaking. Could it be the fact that I'm black? I'm not, of course, but they have no way of knowing that. It certainly couldn't have anything to do with my wealth, because who makes more money than comedy writers?
All right, besides whoever all these people are, I mean
It definitely can't be because of my lineage. The Brooks name is one with a long, proud history featuring exceptional men excelling in a variety of disciplines...
Uncle Mel
Cousin Garth
Cousin Derrick
I have no idea. All I know is I'm not getting in, which means I wasted all the interview preparation I did, which means I'm just going to have to pretend that would have gone something like this...

Hello Mr. Brooks. Thank you for your interest in The Exclusive Wealth Club!
Hey, I'm just thrilled you returned my call! Although, I don't know why that should be such a big deal as it's nothing more than the least amount of common courtesy, something that one wouldn't necessarily equate with exclusivity and wealth, right? Ha ha!

But of course. Now, I should start by asking what your interest in The Exclusive Wealth Club is?
Ah yes. Well, you see, my good man. I feel as though it's time for me to take the next bold step in personal and professional development and that exclusivity and wealth will be key components of that development. Plus, a lot of my friends are jerks and I could certainly use an upgrade in that department. KnowwhatI'msayin'?? (extends hand for high five which is not returned).
Uh-huh. So personal gain is what you're seeking.
I guess if I had to boil it down to the basics, I  wanna get freaky in mansions. That's what I'm really talking about. I wanna get freaky in mansions in Europe with girls who, when you're done getting freaky with them, go out and stand on a wind-swept veranda where they look incredible instead of arguing with you about who pays what in terms of bus fare.
Mr. Brooks, I don't think you understand what the club is really all about...
Oh! And also on a helicopter! It can be just once, but that needs to happen. It doesn't have to be a great helicopter. It doesn't even have to fly. It could be a fire truck, actually. With or without sirens. Whichever is classier. Probably with sirens, huh?
Mr. Brooks, this is as much about what YOU bring to the club as it is what you can get from it. Our members are influential, powerful people. They're the elite, the upper crust of society.
Hey look, I'm a guy with a wide variety of interests and talents. I write, I act, I mess around with music. I know about sports. Any club would be better for including me, not just the ones where members get together to have sex on fire trucks.
I don't think so, Mr. Brooks. Thank you for your interest but we are not going to consider you for membership at this time.
So that's it? I'm out? Aw damn.
I'm truly sorry. Perhaps we will meet again under different circumstances.
Oh, you can count on that, pal. Count on that!!

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