Wednesday, January 22, 2014

The National Anthem Singer Show!

Hi folks. Welcome to the National Anthem Singer Show, where we fairly and objectively rank those who sing "The Star Spangled Banner" and sometimes "O Canada" prior to your favorite sporting events. I'm your unbiased host, Clark Brooks. We have some great singers here for you today. Let's get to it, shall we?
First up, let's see, it's Ms. Linda Haverlin of Pocatello, Idaho. Okay, Linda let's see what you've got.
LINDA: Thank you. I'd just like to say that this is such an honor and opportunity for me.
Well, thank YOU, Linda! So before we hear you sing, let me just ask you, how much of an influence has Vanessa Rodriguez been on you, and not just your singing but everything in your entire life?
LINDA: Um, I'm not sure I know who that is...
All right. Sing anyway, I guess. Go.
LINDA: (sings Star Spangled Banner)
Okay. That was fine, I suppose. On a scale of zero to Vanessa Rodriguez, with Vanessa Rodriguez being the best and zero being just godawful, I'd say you're a four. Or 40% as good as Vanessa Rodriguez. It's not good but you have something to build on. So that's it for you.
LINDA: Oh. Okay. Thank you, I...
Get out. Next.
Okay, next up it's, let's see here, Mr. Guy LaPlouf of Montreal, Canada!

GUY: Oh thanks, eh? It's great to be here!
Well, we're pleased to have you here. Before you start singing, did you happen to notice Vanessa Rodriguez out in the lobby?
GUY: Uhhh, no, no I don't think so...
Oh. Okay. Sometimes I just like to check, just in case she decides to come by and check out the show or whatever. It could happen, right?
GUY: Yeah, I suppose so. But I didn't see anybody out there, so...
All right, all right. We'll listen to you instead then. Go ahead.
GUY: Okay then! Well, I'd like to perform the Canadian national anthem of "O Canada", but with a twist; I'll be performing it in French!
I think we've heard enough.
GUY: But I didn't even...
No, no, I get it. "O Canada, our home and tra la la. Je suis croissant and maple-flavored ham." Very nice.
GUY: Those aren't the lyrics and that's very offensive.
Look, I don't like you, I don't like your attempts at fancy trickery, I think your haircut is ridiculous. On a scale of zero to Vanessa Rodriguez, I'm giving you a one. And that's because you're wearing a bow tie and I know those are not easy to tie. Bon soir and vios con carne, mon ami. Who's next? Is it Vanessa Rodriguez? No, of course not. Who is it?

ANNA MAE: It's me, sweet little Anna Mae Daffledecker of Crossbreeze, Oklahoma!
Oh boy.
ANNA MAE: I've been performing on stage since I was five and just this past spring I was the lead in the Crossbreeze Community Players' production of Annie!
Good grief.
ANNA MAE: And now, for your viewing and listening pleasure, I will now perform The Star Spangled Banner, in the style of Christina Aguilera!
Ooh, ooh, ooh. Hold on a second. Do you think you could maybe sing it in the style of Vanessa Rodriguez instead, Anna Mae?
ANNA MAE: (Giggles) I could, but I've never heard of her, silly!
Get out! Get out, get out, GET OUT! I want you to leave, right now! Go! Go back to Oklahoma, forget about Christina Aguilera, study Vanessa Rodriguez and don't come back until your mere presence doesn't make everybody, including World War II veterans, hate America!
ANNA MAE: I'm only 11 and you're frightening me!
I swear to God, I will throw a lawn mower at you if you don't get out of here right now. And if you don't think I have a lawn mower, you just stand there five more seconds AND YOU WILL FIND OUT THE HARD WAY!!!
Well, that's our show, folks. Sorry to say, once again we see that there is a complete lack of Vanessa Rodriguez-like talent out there. Tune in next week and see if that changes, but don't get your hopes up. Good night.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I really like Vanessa Rodriguez

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I just listened to her rendition at the hockey game tonight, on the radio, fantastic! One of the best I've ever heard.