Friday, September 19, 2014

Heroes for hire

It was announced this week that the Florida Department of Citrus has hired Marvel Comics (the home of Spider-Man, Iron man, Captain America, the X-Men and the Hulk, among others) to reboot their mascot Captain Citrus from an anthropomorphic orange to a traditional, costumed super-hero character. This is what happens next:
The new Captain Citrus will be fit and promote healthy choices, starring alongside the Avengers in a custom Marvel Comic. The comic will reveal Captain Citrus’ background (he is born and raised as John Polk, the son of citrus growers) and his challenge (to fight an evil enemy called the Leader alongside other superheroes, including Captain America).
Bill Rosemann, the creative director of Marvel Comics, said Captain Citrus is given a choice by the Leader: “Join me and we can take over the world,” said Rosemann. “Should he betray his family and the Avengers?” -- Tamara Lush, Associated Press for "Florida Today"

This is going to cost the Department of Citrus $1 million. My guess is that Captain Citrus has orange juice-based superpowers, like the ability to squirt it really hard and really accurately. Maybe he can make grapefruits really big. I don't know. My imagination is limited when it comes to the powers a citrus-based superhero might have at his disposal. The creative types at Marvel will figure that out. However, I believe I can visualize pretty accurately how a certain part of this whole process will work...

STAN LEE (Marvel publisher): Say, kid. How's that new villain coming along? What are you calling him?
YOUNG ARTIST WITH BIG DREAMS: Oh! Yes sir! "The Leader". It's coming along quite well, actually. I can see him really being a major part of the Marvel Universe. I'd go so far as to say I think he could be the next Dr, Doom! You know, I've actually been writing and drawing this character since I was in high school and I just want to say what an honor it is...
SL: Why, that's just swell, kid. Listen, take what you've got so far and hand it all over to Jimmy or Dave or whatever that guy over there's name is. He's working on this one-off orange juice thing.
YAWBD: W-what? I kind of thought he would be an ideal new nemesis for Wolverine...
SL: Nah. Change of plans. We need to serve up somebody that OJ Man or whatever we're calling him can defeat without a lot of back and forth, you know? We're getting paid a million dollars!
YAWBD: Couldn't Captain Citrus fight the Red Skull or Dr, Octopus?
SL: What are you, nuts? Do you really think I would let any of Marvel's established, canonical villains suffer defeat at the hands of a man whose greatest achievement is inspiring the flavor of baby aspirin?
YAWBD: Well, that is the special book featuring The Avengers though, right?
SL: Huh? Oh yeah. The Avengers are in it too. But it's mostly Super Orange Julius's show though. He's gotta defeat and humiliate your guy in order to teach the kids that orange juice builds strong teeth or whatever.
YAWBD: I suppose this kind of limits the chances of The Leader showing up in a movie, huh?
SL: I picture your guy meeting his end by drowning in an inch-deep puddle of Minute Maid.
YAWBD: Motherf...
SL: Excelsior!

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