Thursday, August 04, 2016

Big League Shrew

Devin Siebold (very funny comedian, come see him Friday night at 10:15 PM at Side Splitters after you see me in the 8 PM show ) posted this assessment of Donald Trump as a basketball player yesterday on Facebook:
"I think what bothers me the most about Trump now is that he now has a full arsenal of intelligent people at his disposal and he is still coming up short. He can pick up the phone and get a top notch speech writer, a publicist, people well versed in public policy, and a team of social media and marketing gurus yet he still misfires with every step. That's like having Kobe, Shaq, Jordan and Curry on your team and passing the ball to (Orlando Magic mascot) Stuff the Dragon."
That's funny and I like it. But here's my take on Trump if he played sports:

Apologies to Reggie Jackson
Trump would be a back-up catcher, usually sitting in the bullpen and complaining about how the manager mishandles the pitching staff. When actually in the line-up, he'd hit .231, strike out a lot, hit the occasional homer, but only in non-clutch situations, like late in blowout games and when there's nobody on base. He'd be utterly incapable of executing a sacrifice or otherwise moving runners into scoring position. Behind the plate, he'd have plenty of passed balls which he'd argue should all be scored as wild pitches. He'd also be the guy to do a bat flip after drawing a walk.

Apologies to Vinny Testaverde
The obvious answer is quarterback, the kind of quarterback who can't move in the pocket and blames his linemen when he gets sacked six times a game. But I think he'd be a wide receiver who runs unnecessarily elaborate patterns with lots of cuts in and out and also running in circles. He's the guy who literally jumps up and down because he doesn't get thrown to, even though he claims to be open on every play. When he does make a reception, he always runs out of bounds rather than take a hit. Forget about downfield blocking or trying to make a tackle on a turnover.

Apologies to Caldwell Jones
My assessment differs from Devin's a little here: It wouldn't matter who was on his team, Trump would never think of passing, insisting on driving the lane and crying foul every single time his weak shot was rejected, which would happen every single time. Then he'd blame his teammates for never being open. He'd also insist on wearing pre-Jordan era short shorts.

Apologies to Wayne Gretzky
Please. Trump could never be a hockey player.