Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Welcome back to real life in the post-holiday world!

Hey there! So how was your Christmas? Or the start of Hanukkah? Or the beginning of Kwanza?
"Oh man, it was nuts. My family is crazy! Crazy!!"
Oh yeah, I bet. Grandma is a racist. Uncle is drunk the whole time. Sister-In-Law is just an asshole. Mom and dad treat you like you're still a kid. That does sound crazy! I wouldn't know; most of my is dead, so I don't have those problems.

But it's entirely possible that your perspective on life in the rest of the world has been skewed by so much time spent in close quarters with your own bloodline. And as "crazy" as your holidays may have seemed, let me assure you that it's still straight-up insanity out here. To help you re-adjust to life in that reality, here are some headlines from Tuesday's, a major media outlet that spent much of the day screaming this in our faces...

Ginger ISIS fanatic orders beheading of elderly prisoner in front of a baying crowd after accusing the pensioner of being a WIZARD

Woman 'watched her stepdaughter being molested by a man in a park - but didn't intervene because she got distracted talking to other people'

Refugee worker, 31, is stabbed to death in Christmas bloodbath in a leafy English village

Penguins prefer to eat sexually aroused jellyfish to krill and shrimp, study finds

'I warned you, do not approach the bear!' Grizzly in a ridiculous costume attacks TV presenter who got a bit too close 

Witch doctor accused of burying evil charms under the homes of his rivals is stripped naked, beaten and paraded around his village in a wheelbarrow
Worst Uber ride ever

Shoe retailer under fire for telling women to take wolf whistles as a 'compliment' and to 'cover up and wear loose clothing' while running

'Heaven has gained another angel': Heartbroken daughter pays tribute to murdered father, 43, after he was 'battered to death by a bodybuilder'

Boy, 10, has his penis sliced in half with a laser during botched circumcision operation

Angry mall elf 'MACES family who brought three-year-old to meet Santa' after they tried to take a picture of her

Teenager, 19, born without arms and legs and forced to live in a plastic BUCKET in Nigeria dies on Christmas Day

Trump adviser who hoped Barack Obama dies of mad cow disease and wanted Michelle to live with a gorilla now says he's 'not a racist' and sent the cruel jokes by 'mistake'

Chaos reigns as malls across the country break out into mass brawls

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