Wednesday, April 05, 2017

Read all about it

Everybody has a self-indulgent lotto-winning fantasy, something totally stupid they would blow money on if they could suddenly afford to do so. Mine would be to publish a magazine. Getting into the print publishing business at all at this point in the 21st century is a foolish idea alone, but I would be producing a magazine absolutely guaranteed to fail.
It would be a weekly titled "None of Your Goddamn Business" and it would have exactly the same story subjects and headlines as "People", but every article would say exactly the same thing. Can you guess what that would be?
  • Scary Mommy Blogger; "My Husband Is Gay" - That is none of your goddamn business.
  • Brad's Life Now: How He and Angelina Finally Made Peace - Make peace with the fact that it's none of your goddamn business.
  • Will and Kate's Weekend in Paris - Oo la la, that is none of your, 'ow you say, goddamn business.
  • Exclusive: Savannah Guthrie's Baby Boy 'I Feel So Lucky' - I feel so none of your goddamn business.
  • And the big cover story: What Happened To Richard Simmons? - What happened to him is none of your goddamn business.
This would be on behalf of those of us who think people should have better things to do than worry about celebrities to the point of violating their privacy. And not from a telling-people-what-to-do-when-it-comes-to-harmlessly-spending-their-leisure-time standpoint, but from a leave-people-alone-because-gawking-at-them-like-zoo-animals-isn't-harmless vantage.
I might launch a somewhat more edgy sister publication that would be very similar titled "Who Gives A Shit?" magazine. You can probably guess what the format for that would look like.

I know these magazines would fail because the people at whom the messages would be aimed would never, ever buy a single copy. And there's obviously no reason for anybody else to ever pick one up. So, no sales means no advertising sales, so it's an enterprise doomed from the start. But what the heck, it would employ people for a little while so maybe not a totally self-indulgent waste of time and money.

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