Monday, January 20, 2014

Jammin' Monstrously

There's a radio announcer out there who does the ads all the motor sports shows plus some NFL football games. He has this crazy exaggerated growl of a voice that just cracks me up. I don't know his name or what he looks like in real life but I imagine him being 18 feet tall, made out of horses, motorcycles, flying V guitars, wearing a long leather duster and completely on fire. When Satan had an answering machine, this guy would have done the outgoing message on it. I do an impression of him for my own amusement from time to time (a significant portion of my waking hours is spent doing things that amuse me from time to time), and I actually think it's pretty good. Tampa had a motor sports events, specifically "Monster Jam", this past weekend. There's another one in about two weeks and he's been on the radio a lot. As a result, he was on my mind when I got home the other day and found a notice in my mailbox. So I called the automated bill-pay line as that guy and paid my bill. That went like this:

THEM: Thank you for calling the automated bill pay system. Please say or enter your ten-digit phone number, beginning with the area code.
ME: 1-800 ASK GARY and Metro PCS present Monster Jam!
THEM: I'm sorry. Is this a number associated with your account?
ME: Yes.
THEM: Please say or enter your ten-digit phone number, beginning with the area code.
ME: 1-800 ASK GARY and Metro PCS present Monster Jam!
THEM: I'm sorry. I'm unable to access your account.
ME: (presses #)
THEM: Thank you for calling the automated bill pay system. Please say or enter your ten-digit phone number, beginning with the area code.
ME: (enters correct phone number.)
THEM: For security purposes, please enter the last four digits of your social security number.
ME: GRAVE DIGGER!!
THEM: Thank you for calling the automated bill pay system. Please say or enter your ten-digit phone number, beginning with the area code.
ME: (enters correct phone number.)
THEM: For security purposes, please enter the last four digits of your social security number.
ME: (enters last four digits)
THEM: Thank you. Your current balance is $64.58. You can either pay this amount, pay a different amount of your choice or set up a payment plan. Would you like to hear these options again?
ME: Pay it all off.
THEM: I'm sorry, I was unable to understand your response. You can either...
ME: PAY IT ALL OFF!!
THEM: I'm sorry, I was unable...
ME: GRAVE DIGGER!! AUGHHH!!!
THEM: (pause) Thank you for calling the automated bill pay system. Please say or enter your ten-digit phone number, beginning with the area code.
...(all the steps necessary to get back to the three options...
ME: I would like to pay off my entire balance.
THEM: Okay. You would like to pay your current balance. Is that right?
ME: YES!!!
THEM: All right. We accept Visa, MasterCard, American Express or Discover. I'll wait while you retreive your...
ME: I'm ready
THEM: Okay. Please say or enter the card number.
ME: 1-800 ASK GARY and Metro PCS present Monster Jam!
THEM: I'm sorry. I'm unable to recognize a valid credit card number...
ME: GRAVE DIGGER!!
THEM: (pause) Thank you for calling the automated bill pay system. Please say or enter your ten-digit phone number, beginning with the area code.

This went on another 10 minutes or so. Then my throat started hurting so I just paid the bill and went to bed.

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