One small step for man, (at least) one long-ass road trip for this blog

In the five years I've been writing this blog, I've gone a lot of places and done a lot of stuff (I'm interesting!). But one area remains unexplored: outer space. Well, that's gonna change. Because by the time you read this I will probably be on my way to Space View Park in Titusville, Florida, to attend a massive "Tweetup" and witness the launch of the launch of space shuttle Atlantis on the STS-135 mission. I say "probably" because it's raining and if the mission is postponed, we might get halfway there and turn back and then go back later. Or we'll go ahead, push forward and wait it out over there. Or something. Heck, our departure time has already changed four times since this morning. Nobody knows anything at this point. Well, that's not entirely true; here are some of what we've been told to expect from the Tweetup organizers warning welcome letter:

1.Traffic will be bad! ARRIVE EARLY!

2.SVPTweetup cannot reserve a place for you to sit! Arrive early!!
3.You are responsible for all expenses!
4.The weather will be hot and humid! Bring water!
5.Electricity and internet access will NOT be provided!
6.Traffic will be bad! Plan to stay late!

Yep, I'm going anyway. After all, I've never seen a space shuttle launch up close before and this is slated to be the last one! Well, not if I have anything to say about it, and as it stands right now, I don't. But they're expecting over a million people (!) to be there, like a Woodstock for astro geeks. And with that many space hippies dancing around and tripping on brown Tang, I figure I should be able to slip unnoticed past security, stow away aboard the shuttle and the next thing you know, boom, I'm in orbit, bitches. From there, anything can happen. I could comandeer a couple of robots, get hold of a laser gun and maybe hijack that baby to Mars.
That's admittedly a best-case scenario. But I'll be riding over with some people who are veterans of this kind of thing who are already mortified at the prospect of me saying and/or doing something inappropriately stupid to embarrass them and their fears are completely legitimate. So if nothing else, there should be some good material for the ol' blog. Unfortunately, there's no internet access at the park so I can't live-blog it but I'll write it up and have something on Monday. Of course, I plan to be on Twitter the whole time, so there's that.

A verdict on The Verdict

I made some comments on Twitter yesterday about the Casey Anthony trial and I'd like to take a minute to elaborate. To which you say:

"Hey monkey boy, we ain't payin' you for your insights on the judicial system or pithy perspective on the ills of society at large. Get back to dancin'!"

Well, if my Google AdSense stats are any indication, you aren't paying me for anything so I'm going trudge along. Thanks.

Parents who work hard and struggle to be responsible and raise their children are understandably upset. And nobody likes seeing somebody commit a crime, lie, cheat and get away with it, especially when they're stupid ("You have a nanny? What's her name?", "My nanny? Her name is, uh, Zanny"). To a large degree, I truly empathize. Beyond that though, many of you are being full of shit and you need to know that about yourselves.

• "Justice must be served!" - Listen, you blowhard. You're not going to go out and get revenge. You know it. You're just not. So why waste time and energy talking about it? Caylee Anthony was one of 1.494 kids who were murdered in the United States in 2008. Can you name another? If you're serious about doing something about this situation, try getting involved with a program in your community that helps at-risk moms and kids. You can't get justice for Caylee Anthony but you can play an active role in preventing an injustice committed against some other kid somewhere. If you're not willing to do that, fine. But quit spewing pointless rhetoric, flip the channel and find another lurid tv show to watch, because ultimately, that's all this was to you.
• "Let's make a statement!" -  Wait...people don't like it when children are murdered? I guess not; look at all the porch lights left on! Who knew? Okay, noted. Thank goodness for "movements" like this. Of course, an alternative is getting out of the house, knocking on a door or two and learning what is going on in our own actual neighborhoods. Just think; we could save kids and lightbulbs!
• "Casey Anthony is going to write a book and make millions off of this" - The only way Casey Anthony gets millions of dollars to tell her story is if the corporations who publish books think you're willing to pay many more millions to read it. What say you?
• "The justice system is broken" - No, it isn't. The prosecution failed to prove their case and the jurors followed their instructions and did their job. And if you're ever accused of a crime, whether you did it or not, you're going to be glad it works the way it does.

A short conversation about personnel decisions

They also serve who only explode and die.



"Sir, did you complete the assignments for today's mission?"

"Almost. I'm having trouble with this last slot though. I just can't decide between Porkins or Skywalker."

"Porkins is a good man..."

"You know what? Porkins is a good man. He always does a great job as Santa the Claus at the annual Christmas party."

"The children love him, sir."

"It's just that, well, I feel like the universe is sending me a hint, you know?"

"The universe, sir?"

"Yeah, I try to keep an open mind about The Force; I don't necessarily believe but I don't discount either. But here I am, having to choose a team of top-notch combat pilots to take on the Death Star and my choices are a guy named Skywalker or a guy named Porkins. This is big. Like, a star of death, you know? There's no margin for error here. And suddenly, the blueprints for the damn thing suddenly fall into our hands, delivered by somebody named Skywalker? Wow!"

"I guess I can see where that would..."

"I mean, the other guy's name is Porkins. Come on. Porkins?"

"Sir, I'd like to point out that Porkins has gone through all the specialized training and is a veteran of several successful missions, while this Skywalker kid showed up here a couple of hours ago, fresh off a farm where he wasn't even allowed to go shopping by himself, and has apparently gotten at least one old man killed already, so..."

"Well, when you put it like that..."

"Of course, you don't really want to screw around when it comes to The Force."

"..."

"And Skywalker did bring his own robots with him."

"Screw it, I'm going to send them both."

"Goood idea, sir. After all, you know what they say; go big or go home."

"Is...that a Porkins joke?"

"Sir...?"

"Never mind."

Happy Birthday, America!

I think everybody needs to really live it up today, the 4th of July, to commemorate America's Independence Day. Let's all enjoy and appreciate ourselves and each other and how fortunate we are just to be Americans and all the good that comes with it. Because it's probably the last chance for a while that we'll have to cut loose and celebrate anything like that for a while.
Think about it...

• The 10th anniversary of September 11 is coming up right around the corner and even though Bin Laden is dead, it's not going to be a celebratory occasion. If anything, it will be one whopper of a  who-can-be-more-somber-and-poignant contest. Some people have already been practicing, the ones who gasp and are thrown into a temporary state of flashback-induced shock every time the numbers 9 and 11 are mentioned next to each other. A license plate number, a hotel room, the time of day, whatever. They hear the numbers and they make a big display of being overcome with "oh god, it's like I'm experiencing the horror all over again for the first time" before recovering bravely. Cripes almighty. Look, I know post-traumatic stress disorder is a real thing that people struggle with but if the possibility that a turkey club with a side of cole slaw and an iced tea might happen to come to $9.11 and that is going to push you over the edge every single time you eat at a restaurant, get some serious help. Or at least order something else.
• After that, we breeze through Halloween, and that's fun because Yay! Everyone is dressed like a slut! But then we run smack into The Big Three of Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years, which, based on the amount of bitching done by people I know, nobody enjoys anymore. I mean at all. Which makes me wonder why they (we) still do it.
• It won't be long after that's all over that the 2012 presidential election process heats up and that mess gets nastier every four years. Get ready to have people call you stupid and tell you that you hate America. And the more you protest to the contrary, the more they'll say that proves how much you hate it until eventually, yep, you will hate America, at least certain chunks and residents of it. Last time we had contentious 'Town Hall Meetings" and people stepping on their ideological opponent's heads. This time, I fully expect us to just set each other on fire or pee on each other or both (but not in that order).

So today, while we still can, let's all watch a baseball game, enjoy some fireworks, eat something cooked on an outdoor grill and listen to some good ol' American music (whatever you're into, however you classify
"American" music: personally, I'm planning to lean heavily on a four man rotation of Glenn Miller, Buddy Guy, George Strait and Sly Stone, but I have Cuban-American neighbors and there tends to be lots of coming and going between apartments in my building on holidays so I'm sure there will be some Francisco Aguabella, Celia Cruz, Arturo Sandoval and Cachao López in the mix, which is cool). Because it's probably going to be a while before we feel like sitting down with each other and doing it again.

And also because HELL YEAH!!

Lawn maintenance where I live

The apartment complex I live in is pretty big, covering a lot of ground with ponds here and there and a whole bunch of trees. I know it takes a lot of work to keep everything looking good and I appreciate the hard work people to do to keep everything in nice shape. But sometimes I question how...aggressively...they go about it. Like I said, there are a lot of trees on the property, but with how much they use their leaf blowers, you could easily forget that it's Florida, not Vermont in autumn.
What I've come up with here is an unoffical grounds maintenance schedule for the property where I live. And while it may be unofficial, I'm pretty sure it's at least 90% accurate.

COOPERS POND APARTMENTS, GROUNDS MAINTENANCE SCHEDULE
(All work to be initiated on Clark Brooks' day off)
7:01AM to 7:30AM - Leaf blowing
7:31AM to 7:45AM - Chattering excitedely in Spanish (note: I have no idea what is going on here. Several people, all talking very fast, very loudly, all at the same time. To my lily-white, suburban-bred ears, it sounds like fighting. Except nobody seems angry. But then again, nobody is laughing either. When white people get together in a group and talk like that witrh each other, there's either a punch or a punchline at some point. However, this appears to just be how the lawn guys communicate with one another.)
7:46AM to 8:30AM - Lawn mowing (aka Dixie Chopping)
8:31AM to 8:45AM - More chatter
8:46AM to 9:00AM - Weed wacking
9:01AM - Clark Brooks gives up and gets out of bed; break time.
9:30AM - Clark Brooks turns music on; activities resume with synchronized leaf blowing and weed wacking
10:00AM - Clark Brooks boosts music volume; a leaf blower operating at full power is attached to a rope and with the assist of an elaborate pulley system, hoisted to right outside of Clark Brooks' second story apartment.
10:13AM - Elaborate pulley system is quickly dismantled when Clark Brooks steps outside to see why on earth a leaf blower is operating at full power right outside of his second story apartment.
10:14AM to 10:30AM - Chattering resumes
10:30AM to 11:00AM - Break time. No activity.

Niche marketing

This is a store on Main Street here in Tampa:

I guess it makes sense. The clothing strippers wear (before and after the parts where they aren't wearing clothing) usually isn't available at Target or Sears. Generally, you have to go to specialty retailers where you will find what is labelled as "clubwear". But apparently Tracy, knowing her targeted demographic, decided to dispense with any unnecesary pretense or embellishment. Good for her and good for her customers! 
For me, though, the $1 million dollar question (payable in singles) is what is "more"? Toys? Games? DVDs? In all likelihood, yes, that's probably it! It's really not a terrible idea if you think about it. Let's say you're on your way to the club, and you need a new outfit for the evening but you also need some Legos, the 70th Anniversary edition of Monopoly and a copy of The Bourne Identity. Why should you have to hassle with going to multiple stores?
Toys. Games. DVDs. Of course that's what it is.

Dexter lives!

Dexter the kitten who was rescued after being tortured and left for dead in a Hernando County park on June 10th (if you don't know the story and want details on what happened, you can click here but be forewarned that it will make you sick/and or angry) is showing signs of recovery.
It's tempting to go off on a long angry rant about what should be done to the human garbage responsible for this, but ultimately that's not productive. It feels better to concentrate on the remarkable ongoing recovery of the kitten himself. He's far more deserving of attention anyway.
Tiffany Sroca, a veterinary technician at PetLuv Spay and Neuter Clinic, the non-profit organization that has been caring for Dexter, is posting regular updates via their Facebook page. Here's the timeline...

• June 14: "...so far the kitten is doing well...."
• June 15: "To all who have posted, donated, shown care for and cried over the sweet little kitten name Dexter, a thank you is not nearly enough. In reading the comments and talking to people who have called the clinic, it brings us all at PetLuv to tears - you all are simply wonderful. The little boy is quite a fighter... today he had some ups and downs but the fact that he is still alive to see another day is worthy of celebration! It will be a while before we know the extent of the damage and each day seems to bring new advances along with some setbacks. Please to continue to cross all your paws for little Dexter, your love and support seems to be working. More update(s) tomorrow and again, our sincere thanks and best wishes."
• June 16: "Another day to celebrate for the little guy!! The antibiotics seem to have kicked in, the fever for now is gone and for the very first time.... he ate on his own!! (he had only been eating when force fed) Although it doesn't sound like much but, from where he was only a couple of days ago, this is very good progress. He is able to move a little bit more although still very very unsteady... but again, an improvement from the day before. Let's hope for a grrrrreat day tomorrow and continued progress. The support is so very overwhelming and it is truly an inspiration to all of us. Your prayers and well wishes are working. On behalf of little Dexter.... Thank You!!! :))"
• June 17: "To all those following Dexter's progress, I will try and get an update soon (I'm not working again till Monday but will post if there are major changes) best wishes to all and have a great weekend."
• June 20: "Hope everyone had a great weekend... our little friend Dexter is still holding strong!!! Yay Dexter!!! Must be all the well wishes and support. Although there have been no major advances, there have been no set backs either which, in situations like this... that's great!!!! More updates as I get them and continue to keep all paws crossed for this very special little guy."
• June 20 (2nd update): "Very happy to share the following update: He continues to eat on his own and after he makes a mess of himself by stepping in the food he is grooming his paws!! Over the weekend he started using the litterbox too!!! Now, here is the most exciting update.... he is very happy when following a little laser light toy! Yup, signs indicate that the little man can see it (or maybe shadows of it) when it's very close.... yay!!!! Again, can't stress enough that he has a long way to go BUT for now, he is progressing. Hope your Monday is going well, best wishes to all and keep all those paws crossed for our little furry fighter!! :)))"
• June 21: "... Dexter continues to do well. No real changes to report... but no setbacks either - Yay!!! Will try and get more pictures over the next couple of days (maybe even a little video if we can get him to play!!) Many folks have made donations both calling the clinic and via our website... Thank you one and all, can't say it enough... the support is overwhelming and greatly appreciated. There have been requests to visit the little guy, unfortunately that is not a possibility. He is still a critical care patient and we must take all precautions to keep him progressing. From all of us at PetLuv and on behalf of little Dexter.... THANK YOU!!! :)))"
• June 22: "If this doesn't make you smile, nothing will :)) the latest picture of our furry fighter. Dexter is getting a checkup today and boy does he look fabulous!!! Great way to start an otherwise jam packed PetLuv day!!! More updates in a little bit... This was a must post pic though, don't ya think???"

• June 23: "Dexter had a great day today, thought you all would appreciate a couple of highlights of his day .... he keeps it basic: play, eat, sleep repeat... :)) Have a great weekend. Will update more on Monday"
• June 27:  "A very Happy Monday to everyone!! Here is the latest update on our furry fighter, Dexter... he now weighs in at 1.8lbs!!! and after getting checked out by the Vet, he got his first vaccine... such a brave kitty! All that excitement meant a mid day nap was a must (and yes, he sleeps with his eyes shut). He is doing very well and is starting to play more... will try and capure that too :)) Thanks to all for checking in and more updates soon."

Not bad for a little guy who had a severely swollen brain, was suffering seizures and convulsions and couldn't eat, drink or control bodily functions when he arrived and was described as not much more than "a ball of fur and a heartbeat".

Here are some links to coverage in the local media:
http://www.tampabay.com/components/video/kitten-makes-recovery-after-beating/1021019377001/2652468001/

http://www2.tbo.com/news/breaking-news/2011/jun/26/abused-kitten-gains-worldwide-attention-ar-240108/

Dr. Science answers your science questions!

Way out in the ocean (one of the really big ones) beyond where the radar planes fly, lies Science Island. This tropical sanctuary to the world's greatest minds is where we have everything all figured out and where I rule as King of the Scientists, a title I won by defeating all comers in the annual Tournament of Science held inside a giant volcano (which more often than not degenerates to wrestling). I am Dr. Science and I am here today to answer all of your science questions. let's waste no further time. Let the questions commence!

Dear Dr. Science,
Why does it always rain on Saturdays?
-- Christene, Florida
 Because the earth is perfectly round, it is designed to function best with round numbers. Saturday, the 7th day, aggravates its obsessive compulsive Attention Deficit Disorder,  stresses it out and makes it all sweaty. Good question! Thanks and happy science!

Dear Dr. Science,
Why, after you shake up a soda can real good, does tapping on the lid three times stop it from exploding when you open it?
-- John, Florida
Soda can technology was invented at the same time as wrestling technology and the principal of 'tapping out' was applied to both technologies simultaneously in the name of science.

Dear Dr. Science,
Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?
-- Jan, Florida
Because just like me, they long to be close to you. Also, I am covered in bread crumbs. It's part of an ongoing science experiment that I can't talk about and you wouldn't understand.

Dear Dr. Science,
Why does my heart feel so bad?
-- Jeff, England
Too much Bangers and Mash.

Dear Dr. Science,
Why do birds sing so gay?
-- Jeff, Great Britain
Because birds are gay.


Dear Dr. Science,
Why does my heart hurt so much?
Too much Bubble and Squeak.


Dear Dr. Science,
Why do fools fall in love?
-- Jeff, Jolly Old
Fools believe that love is necessary for the procreation on their species, a myth disproved several times by the exhaustive scientific research of Dr. Jerry Springer.

Dear Dr. Science,
Why does my heart skip a crazy beat?
-- Jeff, Albion
Too much Toad-In-The-Hole. Please refrain from asking health diagnosis questions. I'm a science doctor, not a other kind of doctor.


Dear Dr. Science,
What is it that makes a man gaze down from his penthouse suite, watching those young children sleeping rough on the street?
-- Jeff, Londontown
A man must gaze down from the penthouse because in almost all cases, the penthouse is located several stories above street level. If he gazed up, the only children he'd see sleeping would be moonchildren and there are no streets on the moon. Also, the government wants to reassure you there are no living beings, children or otherwise on the moon (yes, there are).


Dear Dr. Science,
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
-- Jeff, East Detoit
That is a line from "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland",which Lewis Carroll (nee Charles Lutwig Dodgson) wrote as a satirical commentary on modern mathematics. Therefor this is a math question, not a science question. However, the answer is 11. Duh.
 
Dear Dr. Science,
Going back to my original question,if Sunday is the 7th day (according to the Bible),wouldn't that make Saturday an even numbered day?
-- Christene, Florida
Saturday is Latin for Seventh. It's named after Saturn, the seventh planet ever invented. Not really a science question but within my range of knowledges. Maybe I'll answer theological quandaries, like why God rested on the first day (because everything was closed except for football) next time!
 
Dear Dr. Science,
But didn't God rest on the SEVENTH day,because it WAS football Sunday?
-- Christene, Florida
Nope. Science!

On tolerance

"Intolerance is just plain old dumb." -- Jeremy Gloff

(An innocuous comment I got from somebody I like and respect a great deal inspired me to write this. I'll apologize right up front if it's too soap box-y. Beyond that, I ain't apologizing for nothin'.)


I'm a heterosexual, Caucasian dude and I have a diverse group of friends, with just about every possible racial and/or gender classification represented, but I'm not a fanatic about that. I couldn't tell you how many gay or black or Hispanic friends I have because that's not the reason they're my friends. My friends are my friends because as far as I'm concerned, at least one thing they have going for them is that they aren't assholes. I don't like assholes. In fact, I hate 'em and I enjoy that.

So for what it's worth, I completely understand the appeal of hating people. Honestly, I do. I can see how hating people could be a lot of fun. Especially when it's a big group kind of deal, with one group of like-minded individuals getting together to hate another one. Then it's a social activity! You get to make and carry signs, wear matching tee shirts and mindlessly chant rhetoric. Plus, there's fresh air and sunshine. I can totally see where people would really enjoy that kind of thing. It's just that for me, well, I prefer to focus my hatred on individuals who are actually a pain in my ass (apply pun as necessary). When it comes to large scale hatred of groups of people who are different from me yet not actually having a negative impact on my life, I don't care. And I don't mean "I don't care" in a high-minded, 'look at me as I pound my fist on a podium, screaming I DON'T CARE in the hope that somebody notices how passionately tolerant I am and gives me a shiny gold medallion with Martin Luther King Jr. on one side and Harvey Milk on the other' way. I mean I just don't care. Let me give you an example. I don't enjoy infomercials on television. But I could be lying on the couch on a Saturday afternoon when some boob comes on to talk about how he's invented the ultimate vacuum cleaner. If I can't reach the remote, I will just lie there and watch him suck up all manner of items that may or may not ever have a chance of being spilled on my carpet until the next time I absolutely have to get up (circumstances that involve at least two of the following: getting food, going to the bathroom or a grease fire). Now, if I'm not willing to put forth the effort to squelch something that's actually annoying me in my own home, what makes you think I have any interest whatsoever in what my neighbors are doing in the privacy of theirs? I guess what I'm saying is that hatred on that level seems like an awful lot of extra work and I'm just too lazy, disinterested and self-centered for it.
Let me give you another example:

WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN THE ASSHOLES COME TO GET ME TO SUPPORT THEIR STUPID CAUSE

(KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!) "Hey Clark, come with us downtown. We're going to protest the homos!"
"Uhhhhh...what time is it?"
"It's like 5:30 in the afternoon. Why aren't you dressed?"
"Uhhhhh...I am dressed. There's an infomercial about vacuum cleaners and..."
"Why don't you have any pants on?"
"Don't judge me."
"Look, just come on. These dirty homos, they want to get married to each other and teach our kids in school and join the military. We're going to yell and carry signs, maybe even get arrested! Here's a tee shirt. Put on some pants and let's go."
"Wow, that sounds like a whole...thing. And I'm not sure I'm into it. Let me ask you this: on what level will this impact me, as an individual?"
""Well, it's more that we feel that their existence is threatening our beliefs and our way of life..."
"Yeah, I'm not sure what that means. Are you trying to change their minds and make them turn straight? Do you want them to move back to Mexico? Do you want them rounded up and kept in concentration camps? I don't think any of those things will happen. Also, none of the things you just mentioned would seem to have me ending up in bed with some other dude and that's really the only concern I have. Is the expectation that if they aren't 'stopped' from doing something or other or whatever it is you're hoping to accomplish, that I will be somehow legally required to have sex with men? And if so, how exactly would that work? Would there be a new government office in charge of arbitrarily pairing us off or would I at least have some sort of say in who the dude is, or dudes are? Because I can tell you without even thinking hard about it that facial hair is going to be a potential deal-breaker for me."
"..."
"And penis size. Major, major concerns there."
"Uhhhhh..."
"Right. I can tell you haven't thought this through. Like, at all. So I'm going back to bed. Leave me and the homos alone, please."

Please note, this is just an illustration of why I don't personally get involved in hatred. It doesn't mean I condone the hateful actions of others. On the contrary. I'm very devoted and loyal to the individuals who are my friends and I don't appreciate it when they're harmed or even threatened. If you're somebody doing this to people I care about, you're an asshole and I hate you...but strictly as an individual. Hey, fair is fair. 

Nature: Sometimes it makes me laugh

I have never, ever in my life smoked pot. I know some people might not believe that. That's okay, believe what you like (although, if you knew my dad, you wouldn't be surprised: "Get out of bed. 'Scared Straight' is on PBS and you're going to watch it and you're going to get something through that thick skull of yours", "Okay...but I'd like to state for the record that I'm, like, eight years old", "Get your ass out of bed!"). At any rate, even though I've never been a smoker or a toker, I'd probably be good at it, based on the fact that sometimes the stupidest shit cracks me up for no good reason whatsoever.
Exhibit A: Turtles. Turtles to me are hilarious. Why? I have no idea. They just are! The other day, I took this picture of a turtle near the pond out in front of my apartment:



HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!

I know, I know. There is absolutely nothing funny about that. It's just a turtle and he's just sitting there, doing nothing. He's not even moving. There is nothing happening here that's even mildly amusing, let alone so hysterically funny that I could barely take the picture. In fact, noting how funny it isn't is making me laugh all over again.
I love animals. I really do, but maybe it's because some of them, like turtles, are so inherently ridiculous. With turtles, you have the shells, the flippers, the little head poking out. It's ridiculous!
"I'm ridiculous?", the turtle would rebut. "I am a member of the animal kingdom with a perfectly defined role in the natural order of things that has been established and carried out over millions of years. Look at you, walking around on two legs, wearing clothes, spending generations of lifetimes inventing ultimately useless things like styrofoam and internets. Cripes, your species still haven't even figured out what you can and can't eat yet! If anything, you're the one who's ridiculous, my friend." To which, I reply, "Oh really? Check out this photo that I took at Lowry Park Zoo":



Just try to imagine how hard I was laughing when I took THIS one.

"Okay, yeah. That is pretty funny", the turtle would admit.

A commentary on a condiment...plus a recipe!

In the past couple of decades, certain indulgences that had fallen out of favor have come roaring back with a vengeance, fueled by a wave of resentful backlash against the stifling confinements of an increasingly enlightened, sophisticated and politically correct society. Things like poker, smoking cigars, tattoos, strip clubs and the comedy of Rodney Dangerfield.  These things have come to be embraced as hard-won concessions in a battle between Good and Bad where Good is Good For Us but Bad is a Lot More Fun.

"Obviously, to even suggest that a woman doesn't deserve to earn
 equal pay for equal work is, at best, specious and misogynistic.
Now shut up and dance, bitch." 

Nothing exemplifies this mindset better than the exalted status of bacon. It's like we as a society said, "Yes, yes, you win; we'll eat more vegetables, we'll work out three times a week, we'll cut back significantly on dairy products. You win. But we're drawing the fucking line at bacon. By all that is holy, find a sliver of mercy in your soul to grant us this one small guilty pleasure and we'll do whatever you say!" I don't know who we said this to exactly. Ourselves, I guess. But we said it alright. As a result, for some, the level of devotion to all things bacon related is fanatical and unmatched outside of the most devout religious sects (many of whom, ironically, don't eat pork). And this isn't just old-timers clinging to the ways of the past. It's everybody! The eternally hip, cool and on-the-cutting-edge Gail Worley (who is one of my favorite writers) frequently devotes space on her web site to praising bacon. I know people who normally don't set foot in a kitchen at all but will happily experiment with a recipe if it calls for the inclusion of bacon. We're talking chocolate cupcakes, ice cream sundaes, anything. People love bacon more than they love steak!

Exhibit B (for 'Bacon')

Well, you know me. I want to be hip. I want in on the hot trends. I want to like what the cool kids like. Save me a seat on the bacon train! Which brings me, finally, to the item I bought at the store last week: bacon bits! I was going to put them on baked potatoes, in salads, on my famous Tots Royale (amped up tater tots with sour cream, cheese, little green onion shavings; friggin' amazing). But take a closer look at the label...


Sodium extract + salt + sodium compound + sodium concentrate + artificial bacon flavor (aka more salt) + reddish brown coloring salt x frying = yum!

Why, those are not bacon bits at all; they're 'bacon flavored chips'! What the hell is that? They're artifically flavored too? Well, now seriously, what are they?!? 'Chips' of what exactly? Wood? They're very similar to the bark nuggets people put in their gardens, only much smaller. Maybe they're little edible stones, kind of like the gravel at the bottom of a fish tank (I don't reccomend ever eating that but I also cast no judgment). No, what they are in all likelihood are a heinous mixture of sodium-based chemicals mixed together and cooked up in some sinister food laboratory.
Yeah, I'm still gonna eat 'em. After all, what do you think puts the Royale in Tots Royale? (hint: it's bacon-ish)

TOTS ROYALE
INGREDIENTS

• Frozen tater tots
• Squirt cheez
• Sour cream
• A green onion
• Bacon flavored chips (see above)

DIRECTIONS

1. Cook up the tots. Open the bag, put 'em on a cookie sheet or some tin foil, fire up the oven to 300 or 400. I don't know. Whatever it says on the package. Just do that.
2. When the tots are cooked, squirt the cheez all over them. Spray cheez instead of real cheddar cheese? Yes! Cheddar cheese, even sharp cheddar, comes off as too bland. You want the tangy-ness you get from cheap, American cheese singles but you also want the nearly-liquid consistency you get from squirt cheez. Trust me, for this recipe, it's the best.
3. Take a spoon and drop a big glop of sour cream on top of the cheezed-up tots.
4. Chop the green onion into the tiniest pieces you possibly can and sprinkle them over everything.
5. Go ahead and add the bacon chips, in spite of everything written about them above. Don't worry about it; you're already doomed.
6. Put on a sleeveless t-shirt, swear at your kids, pour yourself an RC Cola and serve this up with some hot dogs or chicken wings. Voila! You're pure white trash!

The blog is officially five years old and I am drunk! Hapavah Anniflavavah!

On June 18th, 2006, I sat down and typed this sentence:

"Hi there."

"Holy shit, this guy is the next David Sedaris!"

What followed were statements even less profound and prolific than that one. And now here we are, five years later.

Wow.

What a collossal waste of time, huh?

It's been one heck of a wacky run though. I'd like to think that I learned some special lessons along the way and that you did too and that together we've grown. But we all know that isn't true.

So what does the future hold? Nobody can say for sure. Nobody except me, that is. And that's why I'm taking this opportunity to announce my retirement. No more Ridiculously inconsistent trickle. This is it. The last one. Time to grow up and move on to other pursuits. I appreciate all the support you've shown me over the years and I will miss you, but it's done. Good luck and godspeed (whatever that means).

Just kidding.
I'm not quitting, duh*. I don't know what I'm doing next though. No earthly clue. Offhand, I'd say that the next five years will be just like the last five in that it will be spontaneous and arbitrary. I'd also say that I'm just flying by the seat of my pants but I'm not (flying, nor wearing pants).
Perhaps it's all summed up best in the words of a recent commentor:

"Clark, you have just enough of a brain to be dangerous!!"

See ya in 2015. And also on Monday.
The Reverend Clark Brooks

* Did you cry? I bet you did. You totally cried, didn't you? HA HA HA! Yes you did, YES YOU DID! You didn't? Are you sure? You gasped though, didn't you? Oh, you gasped! Because you love me. SAY IT! And you also pee'd, didn't you. I know you did. You pee'd a little bit. Because that's just how much you love me. Go on and say it. Oh my god, you're peeing right now, aren't you! You're a gasping crybaby pee-pants! HA HA HA HA HA HA! Made you look!


I'm going to be very glad to find those crackers there tomorrow.



That sounds about right. So until somebody comes up with a better definition of what I'm supposed to be doing on this planet, I shall continue to go forth and chronicle what my tiny, dangerous brain deems chronicle-worthy.

Holy Happy Anniversary!

When I dentify myself as an ordained minister, some people think I'm making a joke. That's understandable, as the fact that I've never been involved in a sex scandal or stolen any hard-working people's life savings seriously undermines my credibility. But I assure you, those people are incorrect...


I'm a minister! (April 16, 2010)




Most ads that pop up online don't merit much attention other than to make you shake your head and say "why?" (for some reason, Facebook keeps trying to get me to take advantage of fantastic coupon savings at restaurants in Los Angeles). However, the other day I saw this:


"Become a legally ordained minister. It's free! Perform weddings, baptisms, funerals and more"


Well, now that is something! I felt like I had to click it, if for no other reason than to find out what "and more" was. I wondered if it might be ritual sacrifice. I mean, I don't know that ministers do that kind of thing any more, or if they ever did for that matter, but if anybody does, who else would it be?


So I clicked on the ad and was re-directed to the web site of an organization called the Universal Life Church, where I got the details.


"You are about to legally become an ordained minister...Before providing information for ordination, please make sure you have complied with the following instructions:

• Please only put your true and legal name (*nicknames will invalidate your ordination).
• Please use only factual information in this serious religious rite.
• Please double check your name and email address.
• Please capitalize where appropriate, as this is how our records will show your ordination.
• Submitting a fictitious name ordination under your animal's name, or submission without a person's permission is a fraud.

That was it. I kept waiting for the catch (as in, how much money I was expected to cough up) but there was none. They seemed to be a very easy-going organization that has ordained millions of people as ministers, like a McDonald's of spirituality, and their only concern appeared to be fake names. Sure, it was probably hilarious the first couple of hundred times that nullandvoids eating Doritos and drinking bong water submitted Mr. Bigglesworth or the Ninja Turtles for ordination but now they were kinda over it. That and correct spelling and punctuation. Well shoot, I can certainly get behind that. Anywho, long story short (and by 'long story', I mean waiting about a day and a half for an email from Modesto, California), with less effort (or scrutiny) than it takes to fill out a credit card application for the sake of getting a free beach towel at a hockey game, bing, bang, boom, I am a legally ordained minister! See for yourself:

This is to confirm that
Clark Brooks has been ordained as a minister of the Universal Life Church, Modesto, California. Date of Ordination: 04/07/10 by Kevin Andrews, Pastor www.ulc.net


Your request for ordination has been processed and submitted to the Universal Life Church Headquarters in Modesto, California for recording. Please retain the above date of ordination for your records, as you may need this information in the future to fill out the various forms of the clergy...Ordination is for life, without price, and without question of your specific beliefs. You do not need to pay any tithe, donation, or offering of any kind, now or in the future.

Hell yeah! Oh, I did have to pick a title for myself from the list they provided, which is as follows with absolutely no embellishment from me, I swear:


Abbe, Abbess, Abbot, Ananda, Angel, Apostle of Humility, Apostolic Scribe, Arch Deacon, Arch Priest, Archbishop, Arch cardinal, Ascetic Gnostic, Bible Historian, Bishop, Brahman, Brother, Canon, Cantor, Cardinal, Channel, Chaplain, Colonel, Cure, Deacon, Dervish, Directress, Disciple, Druid, Elder, Faith Healer, Evangelist, Emissary, Father, Field Missionary, Flying Missionary, Free Thinker, Friar, Goddess, Guru, Hadji, Healing Minister, High Priest, High Priestess, Imam, Lama, Lay Sister, Magus, Martyr, Messenger, Metropolitan, Minister of Music, Minister of Peace, Missionary, Missionary Doctor, Missionary Healer, Missionary of Music, Missionary Priest, Monk, Monsignor, Most Reverend, Mystical Philosopher, Orthodox Monk, Parochial Educator, Pastor General, Patriarch, Peace Counselor, Preacher, Preceptor, Priest, Priestess, Prophet, Rector, Rabbi, Religious Preacher, Revelator, Reverend, Reverend Father, Reverend Mother, Right Reverend, Saintly Healer, Scribe, Seer, Shaman, Soul Therapist, Sister, Spiritual Counselor, Spiritual Warrior, Starets, Swami, Teller, Thanatologist, The Very Esteemed, Universal Rabbi, Universal Religious Philosopher, Vicar, Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality, Wizard, Gothi, Gythia, Psychic Healer, Child of the Universe, Prince, Princess, Spiritual Healer, Saint, Pope


I agonized over this decision for nearly 15 minutes, making a short list of my preferences. Here are the runners-up:

• Colonel - Didn't know this was a religious title and wasn't sure if they meant military or Kentucky Fried
• Flying Missionary - Felt this would set people's expectations unrealistically high
• Spiritual Healer - Ditto
• Soul Therapist - Came very close to picking this one, as it fits nicely with my devotion to the grooves, both funky and smoove
• Spiritual Warrior - Too confrontational
• Wizard - Well, now that's just silly

Eventually, I just settled on Reverend. Classic and if it's good enough for Run of Run-DMC, it's good enough for me.


Anyway, now I'm ready to get to ministering. I'm looking forward to starting (and subsequently ending) conversations with the phrase "well, as an ordained minister, I believe...". But I really want to start committing weddings. Oh man! I'm not kidding. And I will work dirt cheap if you hire me (as in, let me attend the reception and get something to eat, take a trip or two to the open bar, maybe chat up some unattached bridesmaids...you know, minister stuff) to do your noop-it-alls (a friend pointed out that I could have just become a notary public and actually made some money at this...thanks for telling me now). Let me stress that THIS IS NOT A JOKE! Now that I am legally qualified to do so, I really want to officiate over people's binding matrimonial ceremonies. I'm not doing this to make fun of religion or people's beliefs. I am doing it to have fun with religion and people's beliefs, but not make fun. For what it's worth, where I stand religiously, when it comes to deities and dogmas, is that I'm enough of a cynic to believe that everything that happens can eventually be explained by nature or science but I'm also open-minded enough to believe that we don't have every answer to every question (yet). And until we do, all bets are off. In the meantime, I believe with all my heart that if everyone on earth did nothing else but follow the so-called Golden Rule, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you", or "Don't be a dick", that every single one of our earthbound problems would end automatically and instantly. To that end, I do make a sincere, concerted effort to follow that principle in my own life. So like I said, I'm honestly not out to commit any kind of harm to that which people hold sacred...well, except in the case of performing gay weddings, which I will gladly do, because...well, the receptions will be fabulous...and it would make the Rush Limb-ites and Glenn Beck-erheads lose their marbles, which I would enjoy a great deal. Hey, I never said I was perfect, just that I'm a minister.

Cup check! (not Stanley's)

The elemental reason that people love sports is the unscripted drama. You simply never know what's going to happen. And nothing dials up the drama like a Game 7. It's the all or nothing, winner-takes-all championship defining moment. Ok, sure, you know in advance that one team is going to win and one team is going to lose, but beyond that, literally anything could happen!!
For example, if you're a Vancouver Canucks fan, you woke up Wednesday morning full of anticipation of what the day held for you. Regardless of the two possible outcomes, when you put on your black retro Canucks sweater and headed downtown, there's no possible way you had any idea your day would end like this...

And that my friends, the inability to predict with absolute certainty whether or not one's scrotum will explode, is what is beautiful about sports.

Slappy Anniversary!

Some people have asked where the Short Conversations come from. Some are enhanced versions of actual conversations I've been involved in. Others are completely pulled out of who-knows-where. The rest of them are conversations I imagine took place in real life somewhere, somehow. Like this one...

A short conversation about design flaws (August 12, 2010)



"Hey, you got a second?"

"Sure. What's up?"

"I wanted to talk to you about the X217 for a minute."

"Ah yes, The Princess Siparella. I'm pretty proud of that one."

"It's a beautiful piece."

"Well, thanks. I worked hard on it."

"I'll bet. I just wanted to talk to you about the straw."

"You noticed that, huh?"

"Oh yeah. Right away. Jumped right out at me, so to speak."

"Well, your eyes do not deceive you, my friend; it is indeed a bendy."

"That's not...ooh, it is, isn't it? Nice!"

"Spared no expense with this one. Yes sir, this is a top-of-the-line sippy bottle."

"That's...um...that's..."

"Up or down, right or left. See? The way it moves around means it's easy to get your mouth around it."

"Oh my."

"At home, at a picnic table in a public park, in a darkened movie theater, in the back seat of a car..."

"It's not the straw I wanted to talk about...it's the straw placement."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look at the...um...well, the juxtaposition of the...see how, in relation to the figure's torso...?"

"No, I don't see..."

"Right...there."

"Yeah?"

"And...right there?"

"..."

"See it now?"

"Oh my God. Oh God."

"Yeah...that."

"Oh God. Oh dear God."

"Right. So...what do you think?"

"I don't know what to think! This is way past the prototype stage! We're in full production and will be ready to ship in two days!"

"Well, we have to do something. This is terrible."

"I could...move it to the back..."

"Really?"

"Yeah, we could just kind of swivel it..."

"So that it looks like it's..."

"Going in to her..."

"Instead of coming out as a..."

"Would that be better?"

"..."

"..."

"Nah, just leave it the way it is."

Photo courtesy of my dear friend Donna S.

Happy Ageless Anniversary!

A recurring character on this blog is The 23-Year-Old. Many people have questioned whether or not she is a real person. I can assure you she is. There's even a picture of her here. She remains the Susie Derkins to my Calvin. No post sums up our relationship better than this one... 



No justice, no dessert (Monday, December 21, 2009)


There was a dessert contest at work the other day, part of the annual company Christmas luncheon. The 23-Year-Old announced that she was going to submit an entry because she thought it would be fun. I agreed. It would be fun to defeat her and crush her dreams during the holiday season. So I announced that I would be submitting an entry of my own.


"So what are you making for the contest?", I asked.
"Oreo Balls! They're so yummy!", she answered. "What are you bringing?"
"I can't tell you. But I'll give you a two word hint. 1) A. 2) Mazing."
"Oh geez, you'll probably get some unclaimed birthday cake from the clearance shelf at Publix and have a chocolate fountain shooting out of it."
"Wrong! Why do you say that?"
"Because when you don't have something of worthwhile substance to contribute, you have a tendency to overcompensate with some loud and showy presentation designed to distract and overwhelm..."
"THAT'S NOT TRUE!", I answered through my bullhorn and hung up.


Now that she'd guessed almost exactly what I had planned to do (I wanted to incorporate pyrotechnics somehow), I had to scramble for a Plan B option. Once I had it, I called to make sure she was still going to be in the contest.


"Yep. And you'd better be there for my victory speech."
"Uh, you're not going to win."
"Yes I am. These Oreo Balls are delicious and everyone is going to love them. You are not going to be able to ruin this for me."
"We'll see about that. Just bring your balls and don't forget to bring your camera."
"Oh, to document your sad little tears when I win?"
"No, to document my huge, awesome tears when my dessert punches your balls in the face."
"Gross."


So the big day arrived and here's what she submitted...

Not bad, I guess. Good try.


Now, here's mine...

BOOM!
Golden sponge cake, filled with creamy foam? Incredible! Here are the two entries side-by-side...

I know, right? No contest!


Well, somehow, I didn't win. Apparently, the judge gave higher consideration to things that people actually made on their own. Well, la-ti-da! Excuse me for not being Bobby Flay or whoever. Shouldn't a bow that enormous and festive count for something? Plus, I noticed it didn't stop anybody from eating the whole box. Communist hypocrites.


Anyway, here is the recipe for the grand prize recipe:


The 23-Year-Old's Award Winning Oreo Balls


INGREDIENTS


1 package regular size Oreo cookies, crushed
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
1 package white almond bark
1 package chocolate almond bark


DIRECTIONS

• Using a blender or hand held mixer or a big ol' spoon, mix crushed-up Oreos and cream cheese together.
• Roll into walnut size balls.
• Chill for an hour. The balls, that is. You can chill too, if you want to.
• Melt approximately 3/4 package of white almond bark.
• Stick a toothpick in the balls and dip them in the melted white almond bark.
• Allow to harden on wax paper (takes about 15 minutes).
• While waiting, melt about 1/4 package of chocolate almond bark.
• When Oreo balls are no longer sticky to the touch, decorate with drizzles of chocolate and white almond bark. If you don't have a pastry bag, you can just cut a tiny hole in a regular old sandwich bag. If you do have a pastry bag, odds are you aren't even reading this.

Photos courtesy of the surprisingly ungracious in victory 23-Year-Old