Monday, May 21, 2007

Oh my god, I killed my kitchen!

A while back, I recounted how I destroyed my oven. Well, after a prolonged period of anguished contemplation over how I should proceed, that dilemma has passed (I cleaned it). However, a bigger, more serious crisis has risen: my entire kitchen is out of commission. The picture featured here is not actually my kitchen (proof: I don't currently own any Pepsi or watermelons); but it's how my kitchen feels to me right now. Here's what happened...
Last week, I made some spaghetti. Spaghetti is a frequent favorite meal of mine because it can be done in the crock pot and it results in mass quantities of leftovers which, if managed properly, can be a huge asset to a single person. In this particular case, I'd made more spaghetti noodles than I had sauce. No worries, I figured, I'll just dump the excess down the trusty ol' garbage disposal. Previously I have fed carrots, celery and potatoes into my disposal, all without incident of any kind. Now, keep in mind I'm talking about spaghetti noodles only in this case. No sauce, no meat, no stray vegetables, nothing but noodles. What, I ask you, is softer, more malleable than cooked spaghetti noodles? Jello or some pudding-esque dessert substance? Ok. But what else? Nothing that can be scientifically labeled a solid, that's what! So the disposal starts out all right, it's making it's regular grinding noise. Suddenly the noise changed pitch and the sink started backing up with disgusting grayish-yellow water. I shut the disposal off and thought "that's odd". What I said was either "shit!" or "damn it!" but really, I was thinking it was odd. I stuck my hand down the slowly emptying drain to see what possible obstruction could be there but found nothing but thick, soggy, mechanically masticated spaghetti pulp. It was like reaching into the mouth of an old man with dentures eating macaroni and cheese. Presuming everything was fine, I turned the disposal on again. This time, the disposal shuddered heavily, shaking the entire kitchen counter. And it made a much deeper grinding noise. Plus, a sickly grayish-yellow waterspout started forming in the sink, which was no longer draining at all, and was in fact, filling rapidly. I turned it off again, quickly, and went and sat down, figuring I'd look at it later because often if you ignore a problem, it actually will go away and solve itself. When I went back, I saw that the water had not receded at all and it was now obvious that the disposal was on the fritz (yes, I tried hitting the reset button...nothing.) and the drain was clogged (yes, I tried plunging it...nothing.). Now, what I didn't mention earlier was that prior to disposing of the excess spaghetti, I had loaded and started the dishwasher. So while I was in the kitchen anyway, I figured I'd unload it. I opened the door and the trapped steam hit my face like it always does when I empty the dishwasher...except it smelled like dishwater. I looked at my dishes and they were just as dirty as when I had put them in. In fact, upon closer inspection they were actually worse. Because now they were all spackled inside and out with tiny particles of shredded spaghetti. "My god", I thought, "my entire apartment's digestive system has the flu!". Well, actually it's just the upper digestive system. Thankfully, the lower digestive system (if you know what I mean) is still in working order. Otherwise, I'd be in a hotel right now.
As it is right now, 75% of my dishes are filthy and I can't use the other 25% because, unless I get really creative with the bathtub, I don't have anywhere to wash them after I use them. I really hope the trusty Cooper's Pond maintenance staff can get this repaired tomorrow. I really don't need another excuse to eat takeout food.

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