Sunday, December 23, 2007

Eight things that annoy me (and should annoy you too) about Christmas

I'm not one of those people who hate Christmas, but certain aspects of the holiday season do get on my nerves. Ok, here we go, in no particular order:
  1. Remaking Christmas songs – I don’t know why but every so-called pop star is required to record at least one Christmas song, if not an entire album. And for some other unknown reason, they always feel compelled to go out of their way to make the song their own, like they’re creating the definitive version of a song that’s already been recorded at least 300 times. You can almost hear them saying “Suck on that, Bing Crosby”. This is usually accomplished by altering the tempo slightly and piling on heaping scoops of unnecessary, elaborate vocal flourishes featuring lots of “whoa-ho-ho-ho” and “me-heh-heh-ree-yeah chree-ee-ee-ee-ee-st-may-aaaaas” nonsense which just makes everything a big mess, sort of like a cargo plane pilot doing barrel rolls just to show he can.
  2. Year end lists – I don’t need VH1 or Time to remind me what a wacky year it’s been. Whatever “it” is, I either remember “it” already on my own or I’ve intentionally forgotten “it” on purpose because “it’s” not worth the storage space in my brain required to remember “it”. Besides, I already told you back in February that the Story of the Year would be the Astronaut Love Triangle. Sex, astronauts, diapers, scorned lovers, a cross-country quest for vengeance and diapers. Nothing could possibly top that. Not “Chocolate Rain”, not the litany of Britney Spears shenanigans nor even the recent harmonic convergence of a Tampa Bay troika of trollops with Debra Lafave, Jessica Sierra and former Wharton High School basketball coach Jaymee Wallace all occupying what seemed to be the same 15 minutes of sex scandal and poor judgment fame at the same time. Not even Larry Craig. Ok, maybe Larry Craig.
  3. Online Greeting Cards – When you virtually care enough to hit send. Gee, how thoughtful. I’ll cherish this for up to 30 days.
  4. Misleading Christmas words – Not only is fruitcake terrible, unlike it’s two delicious primary components (fruit and cake) but mistletoe, which could be the most awesome nickname ever for a punter (basically by default, since nobody bothers to bestow nicknames on punters) has nothing to do with missiles or feet. Also frankincense has nothing to do with Boris Karloff.
  5. Making up new words to “The 12 Days Of Christmas” – For whatever reason, people don’t seem to understand that merely changing the words to what is easily the longest, most boring and annoying Christmas carol ever doesn’t render any of those negative attributes void. No, they’re too busy congratulating themselves for cleverly coming up with “The 12 Days Of (where they work/their family/their favorite TV show/something else they think is important here)” to get that. They also expect you to be suitably impressed with their cleverness. And, since it is Christmas, you’re sorta morally obligated to act like you are or else you’re a Grinch or a Scrooge (see #7).
  6. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” – Back to the subject of pop singers and Christmas music, this song begat Band Aid which begat USA For Africa which begat “We Are The World” which begat that smug "yeah, we got this" thumbs-up from Lionel Richie that makes me hate charity every time I see that video.
  7. Sexy Santas – The coalescence of two things that normally bring me great joy, but for entirely different reasons, Santa Claus and scantily clad women, confuses and frightens me. Please stop it.
  8. Being called Scrooge or Grinch for complaining about Christmas – Christmas as we know it now has been celebrated for hundreds of years. There are dozens of traditions, hundreds of movies and countless songs about Christmas…but you’re telling me there are only two derogatory terms for people who aren’t into it? How is that possible? We deserve, and should demand, more Christmas insults!

Merry non-annoying Christmas, everyone.

8 comments:

emilyxyz said...

I couldn't agree more, esp abt the Christmas song remakes!! The yearly forced inundation w/ this crap that starts in mid-October is equally f*cked. I actually still like Christmas, but boy it gets tougher every year.

Found r blog looking for a fruitcake recipe -- Make of that what you will.

You don't miss Michigan -- times are tough around Detroit these days. And it is frigid cold out and blowing like a mthrfkr tonight!

Like your blog, it's funny. The first 2 weeks at a new job are always the worst. It gets better from here, I'm sure. Hang in there and Happy generic Holidays!

emilyxyz said...

I couldn't agree more, esp abt the Christmas song remakes!! The yearly forced inundation w/ this crap that starts in mid-October is equally f*cked. I actually still like Christmas, but boy it gets tougher every year.

Found r blog looking for a fruitcake recipe -- Make of that what you will.

You don't miss Michigan -- times are tough around Detroit these days. And it is frigid cold out and blowing like a mthrfkr tonight!

Like your blog, it's funny. The first 2 weeks at a new job are always the worst. It gets better from here, I'm sure. Hang in there and Happy generic Holidays!

Why, it's Clark! said...

Thank you Emily and Welcome. I hope you find a good fruitcake recipe (and if you do, please spread the word) and enjoy your generic holidays as well!

Denise said...

I don't celebrate Christmas so much myself (it's a great holiday for those with kids or a God, though, don't get me wrong!) - but I was a "Sexy Santa" at work on Saturday. Wait- you were there! Did I FRIGHTEN YOU, LITTLE BOY!?!?!?!?!?!

Why, it's Clark! said...

I still wake up sometimes. I wake up in the dark and hear the screaming of the sexy Santas.

Dave Lowe said...

Wait, there are GOOD fruitcake recipes? I am sorry, I would have disagree. There is no such thing. However, I also believe the converse to that rule is there is no such thing as BAD cheesecake.

Anyway, man, you were SPOT ON with all that Christmas crap. The ninth rule would have to be making Christmas and all the holiday crap start earlier and earlier every year. Walking into Big Lots and seeing Christmas decorations on sale in August sucks. Well, come to think of it, so does Big Lots.

I especially hate being bombarded November 1st with Christmas decorations at the mall. Poor bastards put them up as they take down any Halloween decor into the wee hours of the night.

And then not having the brass ones to say "Christmas" for fear of being "politically incorrect". It's "Holiday" not "Christmas". Bullshit, it's CHRISTMAS. Hanukkah I'll recognize. Ramadan, sure! But I refuse to acknowledge Kwanzaa. Sorry. It was invented by a former felon in 1966.

Credibility is in question, in my opinion. I understand it's an African American holiday, so not recognizing it likely makes me look and sound like a racist. I'm not. I don't acknowledge Scientology, either, and L. Ron Hubbard was white. Still made him a flake.

Anyway, I digress. Good post. Stop by my blog sometime, set a spell.

--
Regards,

Dave Lowe [davedorm@gmail.com]
DaveDorm -- http://davedorm.com

Why, it's Clark! said...

Thanks, dave. I needed that. Although now I am craving cheesecake...

Anonymous said...

D.C. Residents Surprised by Larry Craig New Year Stamps

Taking advantage of the recent return of the D.C. postmark, after a six-year hiatus, local area residents are eagerly pairing the non-sanctioned Sen. Larry Craig stamp alongside the USPS required 41-cent stamp.

This ensures that the so-called "D.C. holiday stamp" receives the coveted postmark and the U.S. Postal Service has an officially sanctioned and paid for stamp on the envelope.D.C.

I read your blog about the top events for 2007. I could have made up a couple of stamps for the astronaut love triangle. Let me know if you would post them on your blog. I do not copyright these creations...I just find this stuff funny.

D.C. Residents Surprised by Larry Craig New Year Stamps

Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton, who shepherded in the return of the D.C. postmark after a six-year hiatus, is predicted to take full credit for the idea of the Larry Craig holiday stamp, as is her usual practice in such matters.

I was happily surprised to see my greeting card envelope this season. I preferred it to the card itself.Click below to see stamp:http://www.topix.com/member/profile/jum