Wednesday, May 23, 2012

My latest genius idea

I have made a concerted effort to stay away from the evil that is fast food, but there are still occasions, driven by time constraints or some other circumstances that require me to sacrifice quality for convenience, where I find myself waiting in a drive-thru line. Of course, those lines never move fast enough for me, which adds to the stress and frustration of time wasted, which is what I'm trying to avoid by going there in the first place. There's always some boob in front of me, fumbling with their change or asking stupid, inappropriate questions ("Excuse me, may I have some napkins, please?", etc.). As I sat in one of these lines the other day, getting aggravated at everybody in front of me in line, muttering "just take it and go, damn it", the idea for a new restaurant concept hit me...

Finally, a REAL fast food restaurant, catering to customers in a serious hurry.

Here's how it works:
  • Every Tiago location is open 24 hours, every day of the year.
  • No "dining room", drive thru only (Does anybody really consider the Formica countertops and fixed-in-place plastic stools in a fast food joint to be a 'dining room'? I don't call the place where I eat in my house a dining room. "Come darling, let us avail ourselves of this establishment's dining room, so that we may partake of these chicken chunks in comfort and splendor". Please.)
  • You pull up to a speaker box.
  • A voice greets you; "YEAH?"
  • You yell back with how many Its (the I in Tiago) you want; "Three".
  • You drive up and pay the cashier. Everything is $5 each; "$15".
  • You drive up to the next window and a sullen teenager shoves however many Its, a paper bag full of hot, salted lard and a cup of carbonated sugar water, at you. In this example, three of each. The teenager says, "Take It And GO!" and that's exactly what you do.
  • In order to keep things moving smoothly, any deviation from this process by you, the customer ("Excuse me, may I have some napkins, please?", etc.) triggers an extremely loud and unpleasant air horn that blows until you move. It blows at everybody in line, so peer pressure helps keep things moving.
  • If at least four customers aren't completely served every 60 seconds for any reason whatsoever, it triggers an extremely loud and unpleasant air horn inside, making the staff tending the lard pit and water carbonator (the only things approximating restaurant equipment on the premises) and working the windows even more surly and aggressive (ie: hard working).
Honestly, just about everything in that scenario, aside from the speed and efficiency (and the air horns, which is, admittedly, my favorite aspect of the whole concept), is exactly what you get from the average fast food drive-thru experience already. I'm just streamlining the process. Why demand more if you're not going to get it anyway?
Ask about our kids meals! (Just kidding.
Don't do that! Are you crazy?)

1 comment:

Jeff Hickmott said...

This... just... might... WORK!