Wednesday, September 26, 2012

And a child shall lead me

"I pooped in these. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
(Caption by Amber)
The other day I had coffee with an old friend and her 7-year-old daughter. I was moaning about the state of my writing lately, in that I felt that the tone of this blog had turned kind of dour and that I was struggling to find humorous subject matter. Amber, the 7-year-old, said, "you should write about a company called TurdEx. They deliver poop to people". Instantly intrigued, I jumped in before her mother could chastise her for language or inappropriate behavior. "Why do they do that?", I asked. She shrugged and said, "they're a company; it's their job". Seeking more background, I asked, "so I could just show up with some poop, pay them and they'll ship it off to someone?" She answered, "well, you'd have to put it in a package first, of course".  Of course.
Since she's only seven, I don't think Amber's mom has ever let her read this blog, so I don't know why she thought this advice would be specifically beneficial to me. Anyway, I've gotten far worse suggestions and general writing advice. So thanks, Amber.

A visit to the TurdEx office

TURDEX MAN: Hi. Welcome to TurdEx. Are you dropping off or picking up?
LADY: Neither, actually. I'm here because I have a complaint. A major complaint.
TURDEX MAN: I'm sorry to hear that. What seems to be the problem?
LADY: I ordered some CD's online from last week and this box showed up at my house yesterday.
TURDEX MAN: Yep. That's one of our boxes.
LADY: It's full of poop!
TURDEX MAN: Yes ma'am. And the problem is...?
LADY: Why would you bring me a box of poop?!?
TURDEX MAN: (reciting the slogan printed below the logo emblazoned on his shirt, his business cards and all the company's vehicles) "We're a company. It's our job".
LADY: You're a company that delivers poop? I thought you delivered packages.
TURDEX MAN: That's a different company. We only deal with packages that have poop in them. We're specialists.
LADY: There's enough demand for the delivery of poop to run an entire company? Who are your customers?
TURDEX MAN: Assholes! Ha ha ha ha ha!
LADY: ...
TURDEX MAN: Sorry. Inside joke. Hard to say exactly. If I had to guess, I would say about 60% of our business is from people who are angry about something, or pulling a practical joke. Probably about 10% of it is for medical or scientific purposes. The other 30% is miscellaneous. You know, weirdos. Deranged, sick and twisted people.
LADY: That's a lot of miscellaneous.
TURDEX MAN: Yeah. We try not to think about it.
LADY: So I still don't understand why you sent me a box of poop.
TURDEX MAN: Well, the important thing to remember is that we're merely a delivery company; we certainly don't make the poop and we don't just send it out arbitrarily. We're hired by people to deliver it. Did you check the return address on the label?
LADY: I did, and that's what is so odd. It says it's from
TURDEX MAN: And what did you order?
LADY: A special limited edition boxed set of the Black Eyed Peas greatest hits.
TURDEX MAN: Ah. So I'll be filing this under 'miscellaneous' then.

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