Monday, March 31, 2014

I'm not God

Due to the inherent quirkiness that is a professional sports schedule, after not having a home game on a Monday all season, this past month the Tampa Bay Lightning played three in a row. As a result, I was unable to participate in the Spike On The Mic Show for those three weeks. Last week, in my absence, my friend and co-star P.W. Fenton announced on the show that I am God. He was doing a comedy bit, of course. I'm pretty sure he doesn't believe in God and I'm certain that he doesn't believe that I am He.

Let me put to rest any and all doubts (as though there are any): I am not God. I am not even a god, let alone the God.

Being a demigod might be cool, though
It was just for fun, but it made me uncomfortable. Not in a "Ye shall be smited down for thy acts of heresy and blasphemy" way. I don't really believe in that kind of thing, largely due to the fact that there are so many un-smited people running around and committing truly heinous acts in His name. No, it made me uncomfortable in a "what if somebody doesn't think P.W. is kidding and they start worshiping me as they're lord and savior?" way. Hey, it could happen. There are always handfuls of people who can be easily convinced to believe the most stupid things.
Sometimes, a few is more than enough
I think most of us have fantasized about being omnipotent. I know I have. And after running through all the scenarios in my head, I know I wouldn't want it in real life. After making all my enemies suffer and healing all the sick animals, what's left would be a huge pain in the ass. For all its flaws and drawbacks, this universe does not deserve a God as lazy as I am. Can you even imagine the demands and expectations? People all over the planet, most of whom I'm sure I don't like even though I've never met them, wanting stuff, asking for things and getting mad at me when things don't go their way. Ugh. God has a hard job. I have an easy one (at least by comparison) and that suits me fine.I mean, people I don't like want stuff, ask me for things and get mad at me when things don't go their way, but it's manageable in that there are no lives at stake.
That's the other thing. My threshold for pain and suffering is way too low to even think about filling God's shoes for anything other than completely selfish purposes. This past weekend after learning about the so-called "Instant Karma" road rage incident (the driver was engaging in just as much unsafe driving as the protagonist and is at least as much of an asshole), SELF magazine ridiculing a woman for wearing tutus when she runs in marathons (They apologized when they found out she's a cancer survivor but where does a magazine that touts itself as a resource for women seeking to improve themselves get off on criticizing any healthy, harmless activity that a woman enjoys, regardless of that woman's cancer status? Go fuck yourSELF, SELF) and finally, learning that somebody ran over my friend's five-month-old puppy in front of his children and didn't even bother to stop and I felt like crawling into bed for a week (I pretty much did exactly that for a day and a half). Drought, famine, war and disease on a global scale? Way beyond my ability to even comprehend, let alone address.

So no, I'm not God, and I sincerely thank Whomever is for that.

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