Friday, March 21, 2014

Jump on it!

I've been working a lot lately, long days, very little time off. As a result, I'm tired. When I get tired, I get a little loopy. Which is probably at least a contributing factor in the sudden realization I had driving home at 1AM the other night, that The Sugar Hill Gang song "Apache" would make a great movie!
(NOTE: Some of what follows may be deemed offensive. If that applies to you, there's something wrong with you because ALL of it should be deemed offensive. Try not to let it throw you.)
It would take place, of course, in the old west, and would be presented in chapters, like a Tarantino film. A majority of the cast would be African American, even the Native American "squaws", all of whom will wear short, tight buckskin minidresses, braided pigtails and beaded headbands. There will be a handful of caucasians, who mostly stand around and exclaim, "Gawlly!" and "Tarnation!!"
First, we meet Big Bank Hank. He's a the chief of a Native American tribe and he drives around in a Cadillac Seville. He and his tribe are famous (enshrined in a hall of fame, in fact), not because he drives a car that won't exist for about 100 years but because, as it turns out, he shot the legendary outlaw Jesse James!
Next up is the Lone Ranger, although in this story he's better known as Master G. He consults with Wonder Mike, his trusted companion and personal "medicine man" and has a vision: quickly, he must sexually satisfy as many women as possible, specifically the Native American "squaws" whose mates have all been massacred by white pioneer settlers. He convinces Hank to team up so they can accomplish this together.
The third chapter is dedicated to the backstory of Wonder Mike, the mystical Native American shaman. Wonder Mike uses his powers to introduce tribes to hot buttered popcorn and dances that make their moccasins come off.
At this point, all three men join forces and head west to the frontier town of Sugar Hill. There, they have sex with all the squaw widows and even some of the more attractive white women. Soon, people from all over start hearing about Sugar Hill and what's going on there and they travel there to experience it for themselves. Women, to have sex with the Sugar Hill Gang and (white) men, including historical figures like General George Custer who want to put a stop to it (they're all killed in epic gun and kung-fu battles with the Gang). This all plays out over the course of about three hours or so and then we see "The End".

I think this has the potential to make billions of dollars and be one of the greatest movies of all time.
Or I could just be really tired.

No comments: