Wednesday, September 28, 2016

The Ridiculously Inconsistent Endorsement

If anybody ever asked me questions about politics, they might ask questions like these:
"Clark, for whom are you voting?"
"Clark, who is the best candidate?"
"Clark, whose side are you on?"
Those are excellent questions, but nobody asked me so I don't have to answer them. And for that reason, the candidate I have decided to endorse is...
Joshua Santos
for Tax Collector

Here's a handy Q and A with A's to answer all your Q's

Q: Is he a Democrat or a Republican?
A: I don't know, but I did find this photo of him...
Pictured (L to R): Elephant statue and Joshua Santos
Maybe he just likes elephants. Or statues of animals.
Q: Who knows?
A: Who cares?

Q: In what county is he running?
A: Any of 'em. All of 'em. He's not actually on any ballots so you're going to need to write him in. J-O-S-H-U-A. S-A-N-T-O-S. Just vote for him. Wherever he gets elected, he'll show up to do the job of Tax Collector, which is collecting taxes.

Q: Is he qualified for this position?
A: Of course he is. Just look at him sitting behind this government desk, made of marble and wood.
Pictured (L to R): Joshua Santos

Q: Whose desk is that?
A: No idea.

Q: Then why is he sitting there?
A: I don't know but look how much fun he's having. And isn't that what matters?

Q: What are his policies?
A: The other night, he told me about a bunch of laws that he plans to change once he's in office. I don't remember what they were and I'm pretty sure that a Tax Collector can't even do any of the things he said, but he said stuff and it sounded pretty good and that's what matters. So, yeah.

Q: But where does he stand on the issues?
A: He is for them. Many of them. Not all of them. Some of them, he is against. He is a reasonable man.

Q: Is he a man of the people?
A: Yes, he is. He's friends with at least two police officers and at least one black man.
Pictured (L to R): Joshua Santos, a cop, a black man, another cop.

Q: Why are you endorsing Joshua Santos in this election for the position of Tax Collector?
A: Let me tell you a little story. I was at an open mic in Ybor City a while back with a bunch of comedians and we were throwing back some brewskis, as is our wont. Joshua Santos approached, drinking a martini. Bright green liquid in a fancy glass with a long stem. Behind our burly mugs filled with frothy amber goodness, we proceeded to hurl invective at him, questioning his virility and manhood, which are the same thing but we questioned both of them. Josh simply held his martini aloft and said "these are $2". Then this happened...
Pictured (L to R): "The 'Tini Boys"
Joshua Santos has the ability to bring us together and provide exactly the kind of leadership we need from a Tax Collector.

Wherever you live, vote for Joshua Santos on whatever day the election is. Because I said so.

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