Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Let the campaign (re-)commence!

Remember this from last year? Remember how obnoxious I was about soliciting votes to win an award? Remember how devastated I was when you failed to win me one how gracious I was in acknowledging the winners and how I said I really didn't care about winning an award? Well, the Creative Loafing Best Of The Bay Reader's Poll is back, and I honestly don't want to win an award: I want to win TWO awards. This, to me, is the logical next step after not winning anything last time in that it doubles my chances for success as I choose to blindly ignore that it also doubles the likelihood of soul-crushing failure.

These are the two categories for which I would like to win the grand prize and for which I demand expect would appreciate some goddamned support your kind consideration:
  1. Best Local Blogger - Look around you. Are you not entertained? Then vote for me as provider of poetry, purveyor of prose and the proprietor of this purple...thing.
  2. Best Local Personality to Follow on Twitter - Okay, you might not follow me on Twitter. You might not even have Twitter. You might not know what Twitter is. You might dislike Twitter. You might not know what Twitter is and still dislike it. You might have Twitter, follow me and really dislike it. I get that. I just don't care. None of that should stop you from voting for me. I've already gotten some votes in this category as well as the official endorsement of local genius John Fontana. The fact is, if you think I'm funny here, I am hilarious on Twitter! Something about the restrictions of the 140 character limit challenges and inspires me to even greater greatness. Let me spin you a little improv Twitter comedy gold: "Ah...um...Hey! I know, what about...no...uh...farts...fart noises are funny...funnier than farts themselves...sometimes...not always". Okay, that wasn't a good one. I wasn't prepared to be spontaneous. I'll post actual samples of some old Tweets below. But you get the idea. Bottom line: Get Twitter or don't get Twitter, just vote for me. If it helps you to think of it as The Twit Of The Year award, I'm fine with that.
So anyway, vote. Vote early and vote often. Vote, vote and then vote again. Because I am coming after you, Catherine Durkin Robinson. I am coming after you, Julia Gorzka. I am especially coming after you, Rebekah Pulley, because while you may very well be Tampa Bay's best local singer/songwriter, your Tweets are for shit (wait, are you actually on Twitter? If so, follow me please! Thanks! I love you!).

Thank you, dear, loyal readers, for your support! Honestly, I'll call each and every one of you at 3AM with a rant that makes Mel Gibson look like Carl Sandburg if I don't win something this year be thrilled if my humble efforts are deemed worthy of your kind consideration.

PS: I'm going to expect to get votes for Best Local Sportswriter next year, if there is such a thing.

* Some of My Greatest Tweets *
  • Wouldn't it suck if it was your lifelong dream to own a little family restaurant with your name on it and your name was Denny Applebee?
  • Give a white man a fish and he'll eat for a day like this (eats all stiff), but a black guy will eat it like this (eats fish loose & funky)
  • I just found out Tyra Banks is ending her daytime talk show. In related news, I just found out Tyra Banks has a daytime talk show.
  • I wonder if the BP corporate office building has fire escapes but it takes 30-45 days to access them?
  • On the "SURPRISE!" scale, Ricky Martin's coming out announcement ranks slightly ahead of today's sun rise and slightly behind tomorrow's.
Award(s) please. Thanks.


WB Philp said...

Blatant self promotion...just what Twitter was made for! You win hands down!

Johnny Fonts said...


janey jay said...

Can't think of a better cause to pimp, you modern day PT Barnum. Done!

Jessie said...

Dude...this is, like, so three days ago. When I did vote. For you. Repeatedly. BOO-yeah.