Friday, April 13, 2012

How many people have asked for your autograph today?

What would life be like if everybody walked around feeling good about themselves all the time? Fine for them maybe, but what about you? Seriously, what about you? Knocking people down a peg or two isn't a nice thing to do, but sometimes it's necessary. And by "necessary", I mean "fun". Yes, sometimes you just have to level someone. For their benefit, sure, but mostly yours.
Now, if this is the kind of thing you've already thought of on your own, you're probably already, well, a monster basically. You're a shriveled, sad, bitter miscreant who enjoys destroying people all the time, and good for you! In which case, you're already employing various methods and tools that work for you, you human bomb of despair. But if not, I have a very simple, easy-to-use tool you can try:

"How many people have asked for your autograph today?"

A word on autographs: Nothing is a better indicator of an individual's fame than the demand for that individual's autograph. The more people who are willing to humiliate themselves in exchange for a few seconds of your time and an inky smudge on a photograph, the more popular and loved you are.

Notice how he towers over mere mortals.

This used to be exclusive to the world's most physically attractive and talented people but now even the ugly and unskilled can become incredibly famous. And fame still equals popularity which equals success which equals superiority to other beings which equals the true meaning of love. That's why EVEN YOU can pull off this line; just because you're hideous and completely useless doesn't necessarily mean you're obscure!

"How many people have asked for your autograph today?"

Before you use this phrase, you're going to have to make sure you do it correctly. For starters, you probably shouldn't use it on anyone who is famous, someone who might ever actually be asked for an autograph. That could really come back and bite you. Anybody else is fair game. And the beauty is, it doesn't even matter if nobody has ever asked for your autograph. You're not looking to be better than people as much as you're trying to make them feel inferior to you. As long as you deploy the weapon first, you'll put them on the defensive. Once that happens, they're vulnerable and ready for you to pounce. This is how you do it:

ME: "Hey. You. Tell me something; how many people have asked for your autograph today?"
TARGET: "Huh? None, I guess."
ME: (shakes head, chuckles softly and walks away)
They'll probably be confused but the implication is that it happens to you all the time (at least compared to them) and the closest you can come to relating to how pathetic they are is to be slightly amused. This will work it's way into their subconscience, build a nest and lay some eggs that will yield hatchlings of doubt and insecurity that will burst right through the chest cavity of their self esteem.

Look what you did!
The other thing to keep in mind is the importance of accenting the right word. You could really screw this up if you don't place the emphasis where it needs to be. "How many people have asked for your autograph today?" is the right, and really only, way to deliver this line. Again, the implication is that people want you to sign your name on a piece of paper or a shirt or a body part and that those people do not want that from your intended target. This proves that what you say isn't as important as how you say it.

Here are some examples of how you could easily jack this up...

YOU: "How many people have asked for your autograph today?"
TARGET: "My autograph? None..."
YOU: "Ha ha!"
TARGET: "...but earlier, someone asked my permission to have my photo published on the cover of an international fashion magazine. So I guess I'm a model now."

YOU: "How many people have asked for your autograph today?"
ME: "I don't know how many but they always ask. It would be rude to demand an autograph, wouldn't it?"
YOU: "Oh yeah? Well, someone demanded mine earlier."
TARGET: "That looked like a process server."
YOU: "Yeah. Apparently, I'm going to be a father."

YOU: "How many people have asked for your autograph today?"
TARGET: "Not one."
YOU: "Ha HA!"
TARGET: "I am mourning the passing of a beloved family member. I really appreciate the fans respecting my prvacy during this difficult time. I expect with the passage of time and the healing that brings that I will emerge from this and make it up to them in the form of signing many, many autographs. Because they're just the best, you know?"
YOU: "I'm sorry for your loss."

YOU: "How many people have asked for your autograph today?"
TARGET: "I kind of lost count. It's kind of ridiculous, isn't it?"
YOU: "Ummm...yeah."

YOU: "How many people have asked for your autograph today?"
TARGET: "All of them. Who else is going to ask for my autograph?"
YOU: "A woodchuck asked for mine once."
TARGET: "So you're popular with rodents? That's fantastic."
YOU: "Well, just woodchucks really."

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