Friday, April 06, 2012

Dream ride!

Now that I have yet another fantastic job, I need to start classing up my act. A big part of class is the kind of automobile you drive. There's a direct correlation between what kind of car you drive and how classy you are and everybody knows it.
This guy drives a Lexus. Probably.
With that in mind, I turned to AutoTrader.com to see what I could find.

I like utility vehicles but I don't want to spend more than $3500.00. Thankfully, AutoTrader.com is set up to use those preferences as search criteria. I also like really stupid things and unfortunately, AutoTrader.com is NOT capable of factoring that in. So I had to hunt for what I wanted and I came across the three beauties below. The problem is, I just can't decide between them. Please help me?

Option 1: Huntmobile

What it is: 1989 Chevrolet Suburban 4X4
Price $2300.00
Music most likely heard in it: Banjo.
People least inclined to want to ride in it: The ethnic. 
Fantastic feature listed by the seller: "THIS WILL BE A AS IS SPECIAL WITH ALL THE PROBLEMS YOU CAN FIND, AND SOME YOU MIGHT MISS"
Why I want it: I love the idea of pulling up in front of some nice place and asking the valet to park it next to some tool named Trevor's Mercedes. Because essentially, I believe that the universe functions like a John Landis movie and that life is a never-ending class struggle between snobs and slobs.  




Option 2: Shaggin' Wagon  
What it is: 1985 Ford E-150 Econoline Conversion Van

Price $2899.00
Music most likely heard in it: Bow Chicka Wow Wow
People least inclined to want to ride in it: Women.
Fantastic feature(s) listed by the seller: "WHEELCHAIR LIFT INSTALLED ON THE SIDE!!!!...Has 4 captain chairs...Black Curtains for privacy."
Why I want it: I don't currently utilize a scooter or a wheelchair, but if I really want to get my vigilante crimefighter career off the ground, that rig would be ideal for launching a motorcyle (note: I don't currently ride a motorcycle either). The four captain's chairs appeal to me because I like the idea of sitting around with three captains, drinking whiskey and discussing stuff. And if you're asking why anybody would need black curtains for privacy, the real question is why wouldn't you need black curtains for privacy?




Option 3: You Hawl


What it is: 1994 Ford E-350
Price $3410.00
Music most likely heard in it: "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum
People least inclined to want to ride in it: Hitchhikers.
Fantastic feature(s) listed by the seller: White Beauty! You win! Set down the mouse because this 1994 Ford E-350SD is the big truck you've been looking to get your hands on.
Why I want it: Yes, this is clearly an old U-Haul rental truck but it's probably in the best shape. Think about it; who is better suited to take good care of a truck than a series of non-professional drivers whose only experience with driving an oversize vehicle is renting one when they need to move a house full of furniture? Also, the blank sides appeal to me, because I could paint a sweet mural on there. Like this: 

2 comments:

Jeff Hickmott said...

Deffo the U-Haul. But the mural should be one of your Facebook profile pic. Extra scary like.

Why, it's Clark! said...

Yeah, that's a good...HEY!!