Monday, July 09, 2012

Dr. Science apologizes for not sharing the Higgs boson particle

Hi there. Dr. Science, king of all the scientists* here. You may remember me from answering your questions and debunking your so-called "Solar System". I was busy last week, foiling a plot by the alligator men (a genetics experiment by a colleague that went slightly awry) to steal a nuclear submarine and attack America. You're welcome of course, but honestly I didn't really do anything. I knew their arms would be much too short to operate a periscope so I just waited for them to scuttle the sub while attempting to navigate out of Science Harbor, which they did
Anyway, I heard you were all excited about the "discovery" of the Higgs bosun particle, which is basically a tiny, sub-atomic particle that interacts with other sub atomic particles by slowing them down, which determines that matter in the universe has mass. I'm sorry; I didn't even know you guys were looking for it. We found them on Science Island years ago, where they're all over the place now, like those berries that makes birds shit purple all over your car. I probably have some lodged in the radiator grill of my hovercraft if you want them.
I sometimes forget how behind the times you guys are here on the mainland. My bad. I guess it's good that the folks at CERN were finally able to get that Large Hadron Collider of theirs to pay off. Bravo for them! Of course, virtually every household on Science Island has one of those. We use them to make the most delicious (and small) paninis you've ever had.
I'd better get back to Science Island, where in the future I will try to keep track of your primitive exploits. Somebody said that some of you are still using the two-party political system. Oh man, you guys are hilarious! In the mean time, if you need something, just ask. I make new science every single day, you know.

Take care,
Dr. Science

* = by virtue of winning the annual Science Island Bare Knuckle Fisticuff Competition For The Purpose Of Selecting A Leader for the fifth year in a row.

1 comment:

Jeff Hickmott said...