Friday, November 23, 2012

A short conversation aboard the mothership orbiting Earth right this minute

"Bxgzylrk, bring up the surveillance feed. I feel today would be a good day to invade but I want to see what the Earthlings are doing right now before I make that decision."
"Yes Captain."

"Oh my. What are they fighting over? Medicine? Food? Warm winter clothing?"
"No Captain. Cell phones."
"Cell phones?"
"Yes, Captain. Personal communication devices designed to..."
"I know what cell phones are. Don't merchants normally provide them to their customers free-of-charge as part of service agreements?"
"Yes, Captain. But these have games on them. And cameras."
"Cell phones have never had games and cameras on them before?"
"Is this from a part of Earth where cell phones were previously unavailable until now?"
"No, Captain. This is America. It's safe to assume that 99% of the people we see in this feed already have a cell phone in their possession."
"America? The last time I checked this feed, less than 12 hours ago, these same people were gathered as families and expressing gratitude and satisfaction with their current circumstances. What happened?"
"Something called 'door busters', Captain. Apparently it's an economic ritual that allows Earthlings to save their money by spending significant amounts of it. So far, none of our calculations have been able to replicate similarly favorable results."
"Well, it must be valid. Look at them go!"
"Yes, Captain."
"There must be a logical explanation for this behavior."
"Captain, our research indicates that the Earthings are ... crazy."
"I can't imagine that's accurate. Is this not the same civilization that invented baseball?"
"Yes, Captain. They also invented the practice of paying people to play it."
"Cancel the invasion. I can't deal with crazy people."

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