Friday, November 16, 2012

Today's guest author: Michael Noble

Today, we'll be hearing from Michael Noble, another guy with a lot of irons in the fire:
In spite of that, he not only took the time to contribute material but a bio as well:
Michael (quizzically calling himself Ruprecht for reasons better left unknown) is happiest when he's whirling his cane above his head while yelling at kids to stay off his damned lawn.
He passed that along with these instructions: "Feel free to use it, alter it or make mockery of it as you see fit." Typical Michael; taking all the fun out of mockery by giving permission to engage in it.

Love and Rockets ............

"Man ... I need that ..." an acquaintance noted.

"Why?" I asked.

"It has all the latest features. It's an outstanding upgrade ... longer battery life ... better graphics ... wider screen ... more durable ..."


"'Huh' ... ??? That's it? What are you getting?"

"I'm not getting anything. I'm happy with what I have ..."

"What? Your Droid?"

"Yeah. Works just fine."

"How old is that thing?"

"Two years? Two and a half years? Something like that ..."

"Dude: You need to upgrade. I'm surprised you're even able to access any apps on it. They have to load at a crawl rate on that thing."

"I don't use any applications ..."

"Right. You don't have any on that thing. And they're called 'apps' ..."

"... well none I would consider as such at any rate. Nothing that hasn't been around since before smart phones came about."

"Well ... Angry Birds is an app. Everyone has that."

"Nope. Not me."

"Get out. Next you'll be telling me you've never played it."

"No ... you did just fine informing yourself of such."

"What? You've never played Angry Birds ... !? Come on ..."

"Never have."

"Wow. You need to get with the program ..."

"What program?"

"I mean ... you need to get with it. Get updated on things."


"Because you're missing out."

"On what?"

"Stuff! Things! Technology! Fun! Needful things necessary to get around today!"

"Like what?"

"NBA 2K13 ... !!! File Expert ... !!! SnapPea ... !!! Circle Alarm ... !!! Stuff to aid you in everyday life. You're living in the dark ages, my man ..."

"Well ... I got along just fine before my phone came along. I think I can get along with the basics I have now without any problems."

"Okay ... what apps do you have on your phone?"

"Calculator ... maps ... e-mail ... dictionary ..."

*sigh* "Don't you have any real games? Any apps that aren't from the Stone Age?"

"Yeah. Sudoku."

"Sudoku ... !?? Are you serious?"

"As a heart attack ..."

"You realize there is a ton of things out there better than Sudoku ..."

"Sudoku suits me just fine ..."

"... like a new free version of Plants Vs. Zombies being offered ..."

"I've heard."

"Well ... don't you watch movies or television programs on your phone?"

"I don't understand that: Why in the world would anyone want to watch a movie or TV program on their phone? I prefer not to squint while watching those things."

"Well ... to pass the time ... when traveling ... waiting for something ..."

"I read. Or snap photos."

"There you go. What ... you have a Kindle or something? Your phone has an app for that."

"Yeah ... I've heard. I would hate to read a book on my phone. Again ... way too small for my taste."

"You said you take photos. You could do stuff with them right away on your phone, you know. Color corrections, stuff like that."

"I do those things when I get home on my computer. I wouldn't want to do that on my phone. I might miss a photo opportunity while I'm fooling with something like that. Besides ... too small."

"So ... you have no other apps on your phone?"

"I text on occasion."

"I wouldn't consider that an app. Everyone has that."

"Then ... no. Oh! Wait! I have a calendar! That comes in handy sometimes."

*sigh* "I'm just saying: You need to get with the times."

"No. I don't. I see everyone with their heads buried in their phones on buses, in their cars, walking down the street, on planes, at sporting events ... in restaurants sitting across from their partner who they should be having a conversation with. You know why they call them 'smart phones' ... ??? Because they're making people dumb, that's why. You know why kids bastardize words? Shorten them? Use numbers instead of letters? Why they use acronyms? Why they don't capitalize or use punctuation any more? Because they 'think' they're too busy, they think they're savvy. What they're doing is atrophying their minds. Kids - and adults, too - are losing the ability to communicate and they're becoming more dimwitted by the moment. I've been dim longer than smart phones have been around; I don't need to become any dimmer. If I need to measure something, I'll pick up a tape measurer and measure it. I don't need an application for that. I'll find out for myself whether a restaurant is worthy of my patronage by strolling into it, not by looking up its Zagat rating on my phone. I've gotten along without all that mamby-pamby who-ha quite nicely up to this point and I figure I'll continue to do so just fine while everyone out there is pulling out their portable chargers because their phones are running out of juice."

"Wow. You're pretty passionate about being in the dark ... aren't you?"

"Just a matter of perspective ... and my perspective isn't ruled by a 3" diagonal screen."

Speaking of ranting against technological fun, Michael and I, along with Jeff Hickmott, are The Unbelievables, a crime-fighting trio whose retro-fashion adventures are chronicled at the Facebook page of The Kitsch Bitsch. Check us out there!

1 comment:

bronsont said...

(ROFL) Just upgraded @MrsBronsont from her Nokia flip phone to an iPhone 3! She be rock'n now :-)