Wednesday, December 26, 2012

It's a sausage party!

Back for a limited time is Papa John's Five Sausage Pizza. Man, I love the sausage and that is a lot of sausage! (Why is everybody smirking?) That might even be more sausage than I can handle. (Again, what is so funny?) What kind of sausage you workin' with, Papa John?
"This is a kind of sausage we use!" No it isn't,
Papa John. That's a football. Put it down.
  • Mild Italian Suasage - Ah, of course! A pizza classic!
  • Spicy Italian Sausage - Oh yes, kick it up a little bit! Spicy! Papa John's!
  • Smoked Sausage - Mmmm, that smoky down-home flavor. Gotta love it!
  • Chorizo - The pork sausage that relies heavily on paprika whose recipes originate from the Iberian Peninsula occupied by the countries of Spain and Portugal? That Chorizo? Yes, bitches. That Chorizo. Papa John is dialing up the sausage intensity now!
and lastly...
  • Sausage - It's sausage. Just... sausage. Okay? Everything doesn't have to be a thing. This is just a generic sausage product of some sort. It's fine. Look, it comes from a place that sells sausage and is presumably made of materials consistent with those found in other forms of sausage. Technically, we're allowed to call it sausage. Back up off of the sausage. That's what it is. We've had it checked out and we are fully covered under any legally binding definition of a five sausage pizza. We're not going to talk about it anymore.
Another quick note on the Five Sausage Pizza at Papa John's

This is an actual conversation that happened at work the other day:

CO-WORKER: Ew, don't get that Five Sausage Pizza from Papa John's. It's disgusting. I had it once and got so sick you wouldn't believe it.
ME: What did you have to drink with it?
CO-WORKER: We started with beer. Then switched to soda.
ME: Okay...

CO-WORKER: And rum.
ME: Well, there's your culprit.
CO-WORKER: No, it was definitely the pizza. It just oozed grease. 
ME: I'm sorry, but you've introduced reasonable doubt, my friend. Every college freshman knows you can't mix beer, booze and soda.
CO-WORKER:  So greasy and heavy. I'm getting sick all over again just thinking about it.
ME: The Five Sausage Pizza from Papa John's is going to walk out of here an innocent pizza!

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