Wednesday, May 08, 2013

Special Mothers Day offer for you!

"We love you! Where's our food?"
 It's almost Mothers Day and you know what that means: it's time for predatory companies that exist for the sole purpose of feeding off of people who get panicky about participating in made-up "holidays" that exist for the sole purpose of separating panicky people from their hard-earned money.
Don't get me wrong; mothers absolutely deserve to be honored. If anything, setting aside one measly day out of the whole year is insultingly inadequate. The one day thing is strictly a shoddy excuse for parasitic profiteers to cash in.
Well, I'm here to cash in!
Sure, you could order some flowers. I'll bet your mom would take a lot of comfort and satisfaction in knowing that she raised someone who is incapable of coming up with an original thought. Plus, I'm sure she's a huge fan of watching dead things rot.
You could also order some candy-coated strawberries from Shari's Berries. There's no doubt that they're delicious... and available at any number of local bakeries near you that don't have an 800 number and a computerized shipping department.
Then there's Daryl's Barrels (your mom might make you some pickels!) and Roger's Personal Massagers, two companies I totally made up.
But why mess with the rest when you can go straight to the best; Clark's Marks! Here's how it works:
  • You give me $20
  • I scribble on your mom with a Sharpie
That's it! More creative than some dumb old flowers! Less permanent than a tacky tattoo! Just check out some examples...

This one is called The Rocky Balboa. It looks like mom went 15 rounds with Apollo Creed and Clubber Lang! Hey, mom, eye of the tiger! Ha ha ha!

Remember the Little Rascals? Mom might. If so, she might enjoy The Petey! How should I know?

I call this one The Ziggy Stardust. Wham! Bam! Thank you, mom!

This one is The Ultimate Warrior or The John Randle or The Gene Simmons or The Batman. It's literally nothing but me scribbling on some poor woman's face. I don't feel good about it. It's still $20 though.
So go to the internet, click on this blog post right here and enter the special coupon code of "RIPOFF" in the box below. Then send me $20. I'll take care of the rest. Don't worry about sending me your mom's address; I'll find her.

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