Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Hit the switch

There are people who believe that folks choose their sexual orientation, that it's no different than picking between ice cream flavors. They also believe that if you choose to be gay, you can choose to be un-gay. It's simply a matter of resolve and will power. Most people today don't subscribe to that, but I think there was a time not that long ago when that was a pretty prevalent opinion.
In a way, it's a shame that's no longer a widely-held belief. Because the ability to swap sexual preferences at will, if managed properly, could be a very effective social defense mechanism.
Think about it; you're on a "boys night out". It's late, you've eaten all the chicken wings you possibly can, the game is over, you want to go home but somebody orders another round of beers.

"Not for me, thanks. Can I get some water?"
"Water?!? Come on! What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing's wrong with me. But I'm gay now."
"Oh. Okay."

Odds are they won't challenge you on the grounds that gay people can like sports, chicken wings and beer until it's too late. But even if they do...

"So what? Since when can't gay people drink beer?"
:You're trying to keep me here against my will. That's illegal. And since I'm gay now, it's also a hate crime."

Listen, there's nothing we can do about our ethnic background, even though there are occasions when it would be handy to play what's known as "The Race Card". But that's not the case with sexual orientation because it's not something people can determine on sight and it's not even something you'd have to prove!

"If you're gay, go have sex with that guy."
"Here at Hooters?"
"I'm not attracted to him."

You can be gay and never have sex with anybody. Maybe you're inclined to be asexual. Or have ridiculously high standards. Point being, if you decide to turn gay or straight, nobody can question it.

But providing an escape from your douchebag frat-boy friends isn't the only thing this would be good for. There are countless practical applications. Say you see a girl who is impossibly out of your league...

"Hi there. Do you want to dance?"
"With you? Seriously? HA HA HA HA HA!"
"No? Okay, well, I just turned gay. How about if we dance and I totally feel you up in an ironic funny and not sexual way?"
"Sounds awesome!"

Later, back at her place...

"I like this dress but let me take it off in front of you and try on another one..."
"I'm not gay anymore."
"Oh damn it."
"Look, I've groped you on a dance floor, I've seen you naked, we drank wine and I'm here. We might as well go ahead and have sex."
"I can't argue with that logic."

The next day...

"I wouldn't have guessed, but you're really a great guy! Listen, I know this is sudden since we just met last night, but what do you think about spending the weekend together?"
"No can do. I'm gay again."
"That's okay. I have tickets to see 'Hairspray' at the performing arts center Saturday night!"
"Ooh, no. The Rays are in town and I'll be straight again by then."

A week or so goes by and you give her a call...

"Hey. So I know I was gay the last time we talked but..."
"Forget it. I'm a lesbian right now."
"That's cool! I'm straight now and I kinda dig lesbians!"
"Okay, then I'm straight right now too, just long enough to reject you on the grounds that I'm out of your league. But later I'm going to be a lesbian and I'm going to hook up with a girl as hot as I am. I need you to know that and to know that you won't be involved in any way shape or form. All right?"
"Oh damn it."

Hey, fair is fair.

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