Friday, July 05, 2013

It's not all of you, it's me

This isn’t easy to admit, but I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not qualified to be a good boyfriend. This, coming on the heels of realizing a few years ago that I’m not qualified to be a good husband, kinda paints a bleak picture for the future.

Yikes. If you look at it the wrong way.

I’ve gone on lots of dates over the last couple of years and had some fine times with some lovely women. I like dating. I’m a serial dater. I’m good at it, partially because I’m lots of fun. Fun is one of my favorite things. But when things start looking like they might get a teeny, tiny little bit serious, I hit the eject button. And I mean things like “I want you to meet my friends” or “let’s listen to a different radio station” in the car. Any, any, any little signal that indicates my ability to do whatever I want whenever I want to might be even slightly at risk of being hampered in any way, I flip out. “But Clark”, you say. “That’s what being in a relationship is all about! You make some sacrifices as an individual and you actually gain so much more in the process!” To which I reply by shivering, making a sour face and saying “Ugh!”

Isn’t that awful? I know it is. It’s a horrible, selfish and immature attitude. What an asshole! It’s not something I’m proud of, but I own it and I’m okay with it. Not seeking pity here. Seriously. Don't want it, don't need it, will not accept it. That's something that also makes me make facrs and go "ugh". You know how even the bravest, most inspiring blind person eventually has to say, "well, I guess I'm never going tp be a fighter pilot"? That's kind of like this, without the bravery, inspiration or combat aircraft..

I’ll give you a little glimpse into how I came to this conclusion and why I’m so okay with it. On St. Patrick’s Day, I was downtown, working an event hosted by a local bar and restaurant. A couple showed up and got to the gate. The guy said, “Well, do you want to go in?” and his companion said, “Hmm, I don’t know…” You don’t know?!? How can you not know?? That’s a question you resolve before you get dressed, leave the house, drive downtown, park the car and walk up to the place. That’s how it works for me, at least. And that’s because I don’t have to consult another person on the decision. I know where I’m going and what I’m doing when I head out and if I’m late, it’s nobody’s fault but mine. It’s perfect!

“But Clark”, you say, interrupting again. “Maybe you just haven’t met the right girl.” Are you kidding me? As if I haven’t met anyone good enough for me? Come on. Don’t you think I’m aware of the fact that I look like a bag of clothes that fell off the back of a Goodwill truck during a rainstorm? This is not a case of the women of the world failing to live up to the legend of Me. I’ll still go on dates, because as I mentioned, that’s fun, but I’m taking myself out of consideration for boyfriend (and whatever comes after that) status. This is a good, sound decision; it means I don’t have to worry about ruining somebody else’s life and vice versa.

The one part I haven’t really worked out is what if something “bad” happens. I’m pretty sure I could be missing for a week before anybody noticed I was gone and another week after that before anybody came looking for me. That could be problematic if I were to be standing on my toilet seat to change a lightbulb, slipped and got my foot stuck in the toilet. Or something.

Obviously there some minor, unresolved details. But overall, yeah.

1 comment:

Mary E LaLuna said...

Well said, sounds a lot like someone I know, live with, and well, sometimes it is really nice when you have 2 people both panicking at giving up your radio station. Thank goodness there are ear phones, and digital music. Talk to you soon!