Friday, July 26, 2013

Lesson learned: Never underestimate our love of sharks

Last week, the pop culture universe was utterly consumed by the "Sharknado" phenomenon. I have to admit, I wasn't on board, dismissing the whole thing sight unseen. I assumed it was the movie equivalent of those cheeseburgers with donuts instead of buns you get at the fair; a ludicrously over-the-top premise you enjoy as a concept but would never actually partake. Turns out I may have judged too harshly and missed out. Reviews from people I know and respect who watched it range from "Not nearly as bad as you'd think" to "Actually very entertaining". Well, okay then. I will make a point of watching it.

In the meantime, I should try to cash in on our apparently deep love of shark-infested everything. Here are some ideas I have for which I can produce scripts in 24 to 36 hours. Well-financed producers should contact me at their earliest convenience. Thanks!

Asharkolypse Now (aka Shark of Darkness)
A marine biologist is dispatched to assassinate the megalomaniac renegade leader of the sharks. He, of course, fails.

The Sharking Dead
Shark zombies

What happens when the American electoral process is subverted at all levels by evil, conniving, man-eating, ocean-dwelling predators? A government by the sharks, of the sharks and for the sharks (Plot twist: the overall quality of life for most Americans actually improves)

Shark to the Future
Sharks master time travel (Plot twist: terrifying in any era)

Barton Shark
An award-winning Broadway playwright who is also a shark is lured to Hollywood with promises of untold riches and develops a crippling case of writer's block. Before you dismiss this outright, ask yourself who is filling the niche of quirky, absurdist, postmodern, existential dramas about sharks? You, possibly?

Once they bite you, you become one of them! Unless they eat you completely up.

Blazing Sharks
All I really have so far is that this would be a western. There's a great campfire scene, though (shark farts!),

Doctor Sharkvago
Chronicling the years prior to, during and after the Russian Revolution as seen through the cold, dead eyes of a shark.

Beverly Hills Shark
Cultures clash in this fish-out-of-water (HA!) comedy.

The comedic exploits of shark doctors and shark nurses during a war of some sort, presumably between sharks.

Robo. Shark. Come on!

A Shark Grows in Brooklyn
The trials and tribulations of a family living in a Brooklyn tenement during the turn-of-the century. In spite of their best intentions, their efforts are invariably doomed to failure, because there's a shark in the neighborhood who keeps eating them.

Seven Brides for Seven Sharks
Misguided sharks with romantic aspirations kidnap women with the hopes of marrying them. They eventually smarten up and eat them instead. (Plot twist: There will be more than seven sharks)

1 comment:

Keri said...

"Plot twist: terrifying in any era." YES.