Friday, May 02, 2014

This is a test

"A test? I didn't even study!" (nervous laughter)
  This is a test. This blog is conducting a test of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. This is only a test.

It occurs to me that I have exactly as many commendations from the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) and exactly one less hot, mixed-race girlfriend than Donald Sterling. How bad a person am I to be tied or trailing in categories like that to that guy?

"So that's it? We're giving it to Sterling then?"
"Yeah, I'm just not that impressed with Brooks."
"Hey, no argument here! Ha ha!"
"I mean, it's not like we have recorded evidence of Sterling being a racist or anything."
"And if we did, there's nothing that says we have to commend anybody."
"The odds are solidly in our favor on this one, for a change."

And the hot, mixed-race girlfriend? What the hell is going on there? Sure, I'm not worth $1.9 billion but women don't really care about material things like that, do they?
Maybe not, but apparently, they are really into Daft Punk though.

Because aside from that, we're practically twinsies. I'm old. I'm creepy. I'm a megalomaniac with a wildly inflated ego who's drastically out-of-touch with modern society. Who knew self-loathing hotties were that into racism? Well, I can take a hint. I know when to step my game up. One romantic, candle-lit dinner at Golden Corral with me, during which I outline how the Jews control the media (among other things) along with Blacks ability to sing, dance and play basketball, how weirdly smart Indian and Japanese kids are and the illegal aliens from Hispanica (or wherever) are taking all the non-acting jobs and how the homos are taking what's left along with how all Muslims are terrorists, well, I expect her to be licking my big, fat, white feet before we've even had the banana pudding.

This has been a test of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution. The bloggers of your area in voluntary cooperation with the Federal, State and local authorities have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency. If the First Amendment didn't actually function the way it's supposed to, armed government officials in uniforms would have rapelled from black helicopters and stopped me from writing it in the first place or at least erased it from the internet before you had a chance to read it. Being as it appears to be in perfect working order, I am not protected from the reactions of those who might find the stupidity posted above to be objectionable for any reason at all. This concludes this test of the First Amendment to the United States Constitution.


Unknown said...

How dare you? You SHOULD be stopped! At least you should be forced to sell your blog to someone with less stupid things to say.

Jeff Hickmott said...


SpikeOnThe Mic said...

Wait...I missed the point... You want a hot mixed girl or not???

Anonymous said...

When you connect with someone on Facebook, especially someone you knew as a teen AND thought was hot, you start learning stuff about the person by the kinds of stuff they want to shove down your throat - especially if they're manic posters. Eventually you can kind of see inside their noggins by noticing connections and affinities among and between all the many things they must say or repeat.

So this person I'm thinking of, it's clear we are now on different sides of the political landscape. These days it's ridiculously easy to categorize everyone on that side as a far right lunatic. Of course that's not really the case and it's an example of the kinds of generalities we're prone to make that keep us so far apart. My old friend, however, is a Tea Party lovin', Jesus was a Republican, God invented unrestrained capitalism, far right kook, just like the rest of 'em.

So a couple days ago my friend reposted a post within which is reposted someone's claim that Herman Cain (remember him?) had produced evidence that NY senator Chuck Schumer has filed legislation to put some restrictions on our constitutional, divine right to say any freakin' thing we want to. This post of a post of a post, etc., has hundreds of thousands of Likes and thousands of comments, all of them berating Mr. Schumer, despite the fact that our constitutional liberties are restricted every time we turn around PLUS we already know there some things you can't say, like "fighting words" or "Michele Bachman is certifiable."

So to all this my old hot friend says "Someone should assassinate that Chuck Schumer."

All that to say, Mr. Brooks, this: apparently the same divinely inspired document that enshrines your right to test it also preserves the right of others to kill you for doing so. I was not aware that our constitutional rights contained with themselves the key to their own destruction, but that seems to be the case. That Hegel dude keeps being right, damn him!

Watch your ass.