Friday, October 03, 2014

It's almost time to start freaking out

As bad as things are for us here in America lately, between another war, racism being alive and well, guns going off irresponsibly by the minute and the NFL being in the toilet, the news that the Ebola virus has landed in the U.S. is certainly going to take things up a notch.
Unless, you know, maybe not.

A brief history of the Ebola virus as I understand it via what I've learned from the news: Since the mid '70s, Ebola has been laying waste to people in Africa by the thousands, eating their flesh, making their spleens fall right out of their butts and generally making them more unattractive than usual. 
(Splorp) "Hey, was that my spleen or yours? Oops. Yeah, definitely mine."
Then, two white American doctors in Liberia got it one day in August and it suddenly became a serious problem. They had some science and medicine and like two days later, TA DA!, they were cured, emerging from treatment looking like they were ready for a three-day weekend of kayaking, or better than you and I a week after a batch of bad clams. I may be slightly fuzzy on some of those details but that's the basic gist. 
"Ebola, Schmebola"

So whatever combination of voodoo and magic (aka "science and medicine") that fixed them up should be available to anyone here who needs it, right? No big deal.

Just in case I'm not completely 100% accurate, here are some tips YOU can use to prevent getting the Ebola virus...  
  • Avoid physical contact with people showing signs and symptoms, such as continuous high fever, red eyes, vomiting and stomach ache, as difficult as that may be to resist.
  • You know what, go ahead and use that precaution as a perfectly valid excuse to stop associating with the people in your life who are constantly bitching about things like that or anything else. Every cloud has a silver lining!
  • Don't shake hands with the dead.
  • Wash your hands regularly with soap and water instead of blood and feces.
  • If your spleen falls right out of your butt, put it in a clean Ziploc® bag, put it on ice and take it with you as you proceed immediately to the nearest hospital. DO NOT try to re-insert it yourself! (You are not a licensed professional).
  • Don't high-five the dead.
  • Avoid ugly people. Just to be safe.
  • Don't lick the dead.
  • Do not share spleens. 
  • Don't share food with bats, monkeys, baboons or dead animals.
  • Do not have unprotected sex with the dead. Or animals. Gross.
  • Why? Gross! Because...
  • "Because bats can turn into goats, possums, apes and monkeys, all of which could make you pregnant with an Ebola baby. That is, a baby made entirely out of Ebola."

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