Friday, January 09, 2015

How to win at Christmas Cards

Now that they're completely over, how were your holidays? Did you get lots of gifts? Spend time with loved ones? Get plenty of egg nog and stuffing?
I did exactly not one of those things, but mine were still just terrific, thanks.
One highlight for me was I won at Christmas Cards.
What's that? You didn't know Christmas Cards was a game?
Ha ha ha! How stupid of you.
Everything can be a game. Everything is a game. Scratch that: I meant, everything is a competition. Games are fun. Competition makes people neurotic. That, like most holiday activities, is what happens with Christmas Cards.

Here's how you play (I realize this is being posted too late to help you this year, but just take your handy scissors and clip this out of your internet and keep it on your 'fridge with a festive magnet for next year):
  • The object is to Christmas Card as many people as you can before they Christmas Card you.
  • You accomplish this by sending someone your Christmas Card close enough to Christmas so that they get it before the holiday but don't have enough time to send one back to you before Christmas is over, thus making them feel terrible inside.
  • When the holiday is over, if you've Christmas Carded more than you've been Christmas Carded, (in other words, if more people feel terrible inside than you do) you win!
Here are some tips:
  • Don't just send all your cards on Christmas Eve and declare yourself a winner; none of those cards will arrive before Christmas, which isn't fair and therefor don't count.
  • Don't send them the week after Thanksgiving either. They'll arrive the first week of December which gives your opponent (aka friend or family member) more than enough time to say, "Ah shit, he sent a card this year. I guess I'll have to stop off at Walgreens again" and get one back to you.
  • You'll have pretty good results (aka inflict as much passive aggressive psychological trauma as possible) if you mail on the 20th or 21st, but there are no guarantees. If you really want to win, you have to take a number of factors into account for every opponent (aka Someone you love. Or your mom). How far away do they live? What are the weather conditions between where you live and where they do? Do they live in a small town with once-a-week mail delivery or a big city that has several deliveries a day? Do they live in a European country where shipping holiday greetings via postal service is considered a hate crime? Find out, dumbass! You have to consider all of these things and more if you want to have any hope of salvaging some kind of joy for yourself during the holidays (aka inflicting as much passive aggressive psychological trauma as possible).

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