Monday, January 05, 2015

Let's get married!

Everybody, right now! As of tomorrow, January 6th, in the year Two Thousand Fifteen, the last of the silly, mean-spirited bureaucratic obstacles between us and love for one another will have finally been cast aside. Well, it's not entirely a clear path, there is a brand new eentsy speedbump, but we can easily work around that nonsense (read on). The main thing is that now that even Pam "dedicated to protecting the sanctity of as many traditional marriages as anybody could want" Bondi understands what's happening, it's time for each and every one of us to go ahead and get married!
"I no longer have ambiguously tenuous legal grounds to not support this message"

Gay dudes, lesbian chicks, straight folks of either gender. Let's do this!
I think that covers everybody.
Slow down.
I mean, let's you do this. Not me, you goofs. I'm not what you would call "marriage-eligible"*. Although, I do want to be involved, albeit in a very specifically defined role. And in case you haven't figured out where this is going, of course I'm talking about officiating your now-completely legal nuptial ceremony. As an ordained minister, I am ready, willing, able, legally qualified and budget-friendly to make your love official in the Great State of Florida. Not only that, I'm good at it. One wedding, no divorces. Undefeated!!
This might sound like a great, big jokey-joke but it's not. "We thought we were getting married and Clark enlisted us in the Marine Corps." Ha ha ha, right? No! This is totally on the up-and-up.
As stated on this blog previously:
THIS IS NOT A JOKE! As an officially ordained minister, I am qualified to legally marry the living daylights out of you and your spouse. Seriously, I will marry you so hard, you won't walk right for a week.
Wait a minute. We're getting off on a weird tangent here. Let's focus.
The point is if you're straight, gay, lesbian or any other combination I'm not immediately aware of, it doesn't matter. It's all good! I don't care! I can commit weddings of ALL kinds. You find somebody you love who loves you back? Beautiful! We're in business. I'll make sure the necessary paperwork is taken care of and I'll perform the service. I'll even write the vows or incorporate yours into the ceremony, if you're writing your own (which I think you should because that's a really sweet and thoughtful thing to do). And here's what may be the best part: I work cheap! Check it out: All I require is an invitation to your wedding reception, seated at a table with one of the more morally casual bridesmaids.
DISCLAIMER: I reserve the option to NOT do the Electric Slide or the Cupid Shuffle.


Marriage. You. Your man/woman. Me. Your girlfriend from college who's known to sleep around and may or may not have a drinking and/or self-esteem problem. Let's get it done!

* = capable of being loved by another human being

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