Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Not exactly 'Santaland Diaries' but as close as I've got

I think this blog has been a little too current events-y as of late and that means it hasn't been very funny, because current events aren't funny, Let's take a step back. Let's take lots of steps back, all the way back to my third grade social studies class at Lybrook Elementary, home of the Beavers!

There I was, eight-years-old, sitting in Mrs. Reed's class and she was telling us all about Christopher Columbus and how he discovered America. 
"I've done it! I've discovered America! I am the man!"

She was talking about how brave he was because back then, people thought the Earth was flat and if you sailed to the horizon you would just fall right off the edge. 
"Gyah! Reverse! Hit the brakes!"

We found that hilarious, "Ha ha ha! How stupid people must have been back in the old days!" Mrs. Reed explained that it's not that they were stupid and that sometimes people just happen to share a belief that has yet to be disproved. 

“For example”, she said, “how old were you when you found out that Santa Claus isn't real?” Suddenly eyes widened around the classroom as 30 little individuals silently experienced existential horror for the first time. 

"Well gee, Mrs. Reed, what time is it right this exact minute?"

Of course, none of us wanted to admit that we were finding out for the first time that the very foundation of our carefully cultivated belief system, the primary philosophy upon which we based our behavior and how we dealt with our fellow man, was based entirely on a web of lies foisted upon us by our parents. Thus we were introduced to not only the concept of conspiracy theories (suddenly, so many things actually made sense!) but also the fundamentally unhealthy practice of hiding our true feelings behind a facade of affected indifference. 
"Yeah, I knew all along that shit wasn't real.
What? No, I have NOT been crying!"

It’s interesting to note that at no point did she bother to explain that Columbus didn't discover shit, that he never actually set foot in or even saw what we know as America, because he basically got lost and when he finally arrived somewhere, he thought it was fucking India, plus all the rape and the disease and the slavery and the genocide. 
"Okay, maybe I'm not the man but I am a person of interest."

She didn't think it was at all important to even mention any of that, choosing instead to assassinate Santa Claus and make us bear witness. Is it any wonder why I hated school? 

The first time I ever told this story was on The Spike On The Mic Show, a moment that was captured and preserved, along with other hilariously awful childhood memories from everyone else on the show, on a "Best Of..." compilation. If you don't listen to the show (and if not, for the love of God, why?) or if you just want some kind of a souvenir that you can actually hold in your hand as well as listen to, either let me know or go to and we'll get you one.

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