Friday, March 20, 2015

Your pre-eclipse guide to freaking out

"This is the Earth's first — and only — total solar eclipse of the year and the first one since November 2013, NASA reports. The next total solar eclipse in the USA will be in August 2017." -
Before you freak out, understand that it's not even going to be visible in the United States, which basically means it doesn't even count as a real eclipse. If this had been an actual eclipse, you would have been able to expect the following...

  • Try to tune into local radio emergency broadcasts, as if any would be able to still be on the air, idiot.
  • Bang pots and pans to scare away demons and giant, mythical bears, dragons, dogs, jaguars and turtles trying to eat the sun.
  • Prepare for disasters and destruction.
  • Keep all pregnant women indoors.
  • Don't eat anything, as food prepared during an eclipse is poisonous and impure.
  • Declare yourself Ni-Kjel-Ba'ack, harbinger of doom and master of ancient serpents. 
  • Increase your number of followers as Ni-Kjel-Ba'ack by wearing a sweet amulet.
  • Make pregnant women wear red pants so as to prevent them from giving birth to deranged Moon Beetles.
Again, as stated above, none of these measures will be necessary as this is taking place in Whogivesashitland, which is far, far way from America.

There will, however be a correspondent supermoon, which will be visible everywhere that is currently moon-eligible (if your sky normally has a moon in it, you will be getting a supermoon). Please do this...
What does this have to do with the supermoon? Nothing. I never said it did. Relax, it's just a big moon. What are you afraid of. Calm down. Geez.

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