"This is the Earth's first — and only — total solar eclipse of the year and the first one since November 2013, NASA reports. The next total solar eclipse in the USA will be in August 2017." - WTSP.comBefore you freak out, understand that it's not even going to be visible in the United States, which basically means it doesn't even count as a real eclipse. If this had been an actual eclipse, you would have been able to expect the following...
- Try to tune into local radio emergency broadcasts, as if any would be able to still be on the air, idiot.
- Bang pots and pans to scare away demons and giant, mythical bears, dragons, dogs, jaguars and turtles trying to eat the sun.
- Prepare for disasters and destruction.
- Keep all pregnant women indoors.
- Don't eat anything, as food prepared during an eclipse is poisonous and impure.
- Declare yourself Ni-Kjel-Ba'ack, harbinger of doom and master of ancient serpents.
- Increase your number of followers as Ni-Kjel-Ba'ack by wearing a sweet amulet.
- Make pregnant women wear red pants so as to prevent them from giving birth to deranged Moon Beetles.
- Make plans to see me doing stand-up comedy at Side Splitters here in Tampa on Sunday night, May 17th.