Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I hate minivans

Recently I learned that a close relative, my aunt Joan, someone I respect and love, drives a minivan. My reaction upon learning this fact was, I think, something like, "GYAHHHHHHHH!!! Noooooooooo!!!!"

I've often been asked, why do I hate minivans so much? The answer is very simple: I hate them. And does anybody need a reason to hate? Nope. That's the beauty of hatred. It defies, when necessary (or not) all boundaries of reason or logic. Although, I would have to say that there a couple of factors that contribute to my loathing.

  • A minivan is not a van. A van is a big Ford Econoline, big enough to carry surfboards, a full-size sleeper couch and some amplifiers. It has a mural of a scantily clad viking warrior princess driving a chariot pulled by dragons airbrushed on the side of it. It's cargo capacity is not limited to a diaper bag, a fold-down bench seat and a DVD player showing "The Lion King". And it definitely is not adorned with a magnetic soccer ball with the name 'Josh' stenciled on it. To use the word 'van' in minivan is a tremendous insult to real vans.
  • Secondly, minivans are always in my way. Constantly holding up traffic, coming to a complete stop to execute right turns, driving cautiously. All-around generally stupid behavior. This is undoubtedly because...
  • All minivans are driven by idiots. Let me be clear: All idiots do not drive minivans, but all minivans are driven by idiots. Need proof? Okay, who are most minvans sold to? Parents. People who have children. Intentionally! Now, as we all know, the having of children is always a horrendously tragic occurence that destroys lives. Yet, many people still insist on doing this to themselves on purpose! If anything speaks to diminished mental capabilities and generally poor judgement, it's being a parent...the kind of person who drives a minvan.

So anyway, I'm very sad to know that my beloved aunt Joan drives one of these things. My uncle knows a lot of people in the automotive business. Maybe they can find somebody to airbrush a viking mural on the side of that thing.


Anonymous said...

It sounds like what you hate is children, or more likely YOURSELF!!! How sad in this day and age that you would dare to criticize parents. Raising children is the most noble job someone can do. Shame on you.

Why, it's Clark! said...

Dear Mr. Mous,
Children are the most overrated things ever. They're loud, smelly and they grow up to do bad things. Do you know who started out as a child?
1) Hitler
2) Those guys that killed Jesus
3) George Steinbrenner
4) Every other bad person ever

Yeah, thanks A LOT, parents.

Anonymous said...

"Raising children is the most noble job someone can do." That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard! There is NOTHING noble about raising children you dumb fuck! I bet you drive a minivan.

Anonymous said...

parenting is not the most noble job anyone can have; any dip-shit can have a child. however, most parents are normal people. having a child is hard and is a huge burden, the problem with most parents is the yammering about how great there children are. for me that is the thing I am scared of becoming (also dealing diapers, that just sounds terrible). o about minivans the reason I hate them is their exterior it looks like a cockroach. I have driven one (the Toyota Siena 2010) it was to heavy and bulky it forced me do drive like my pussy whipped uncle who has to drive that piece of shit: slowly. Because of all the little children in the back and that bitch inertia. normal I'm going sixty in a forty zone if i can get away with it, so in conclusion parents do not suck but minivans do. If you want a car get a sedan!

Anonymous said...

I know this old, but it's hilarious, awesome and still so, so true.

Anonymous said...

It's like the guy that wrote this read my mind!! Love it. I have a child & no way in hell are we ever going to be seen in an ugly minivan. Just because you have kids doesn't mean you have downgrade to the dreaded minivan. Love, Jen