Today is my birthday

Don't worry about it if you didn't send a card or a present. Seriously, that's fine. I don't make a big deal out of my birthday. I'm not weird about it or anything, I just don't make a big deal about...well, anything...when it comes to personal matters. My favorite birthday activity would be spending some low key time with my friends, which is no different from what I enjoy the other 364 days of the year. My friends also know me well enough to know better than to sic a pack of singing waitstaff on me at dinner, something about which I am phobic. I would rather dive out of a third story window than be serenaded by one group of strangers and drawing the focus of other strangers, all of whom, I'm sure, would much rather not be bothered. I don't like being the object of attention in social situations when I don't have control over my level of participation (which is a big reason why I generally don't socialize with people outside of a very tight circle of trust). Some people just don't get that and try to force birthday fun on you. They're just trying to be nice, I know; it's just that I'd rather not play, thank you. Unfortunately, these people can be quite persistent. So I sometimes have to go to the extreme of being a dick while guarding my boundaries:

"Happy Birthday, Clark!"
"Yeah? Tell my mom. She did all the work."

"Cumpleaños Felices, Clark (Happy Birthday in Spanish)"
"I don't speak that language so I have no idea what you said. Therefor, I have no choice but to accept it as an insult to my racial heritage."

"Happy Birthday, Clark!"
"Thank you, but my religion doesn't recognize traditional celebrations of annual occurences."
"Oh, I'm sorry. What religion are you?"
"Um, Methodist?"
"Really? I am too! But we celebrate..."
"I'm sorry, I meant that other fruity cult of wacko pinheads. Scientoligists. Yeah, that's me."

"Happy Birthday, Cl...(would-be well-wisher is interrupted by punch in the face)"