Thomas Harris: Coasting

When exactly did author Thomas Harris start phoning it in? Well, this abridged diary I just made up might shed some light.

• 1985: They're going to begin filming the adaptation of my novel "Red Dragon", although they are changing the title to "Manhunter". Whatever. This will not compromise my integrity as an author and I reserve the right to release a novel whenever I feel like it and not at the whims of the marketplace. Every six or seven years or so sounds about right.

• 1986: Well, it looks like "Manhunter" was a flop, I can't say that I'm surprised; why would Micheal Mann cast William L. Peterson as Will Graham?!? He's not leading man material! I do applaud his inspired choice of Brian Cox as Hannibal Lecter, however. His portrayal was definitive and as a result he will forever be associated with this character. At any rate, as always, the goings-on in Hollywood have no influence on my writing and I continue to craft my next novel, "The Silence Of The Lambs". Another two years and I should be done.

• 1990: "The Silence Of The Lambs" will be released as a movie next year and I have to say that the foolhardy casting of Jodie Foster and some nobody is disappointing at best. I have refused all requests to assist with the screenplay as I want nothing to do with this inevitable epic failure nor the business of movie making in general.

• 1991: Wow, $272 million worldwide gross and five Academy Awards! Maybe I should send a few cases of wine to the cast and crew.

• 1997: I am sick and tired of being pressured to write a sequel to "Silence..." so I am putting the final touches on my next Hannibal Lecter novel, which should shut them up. I don't think they'll be pleased though; it features man-eating pigs and a character eating his own brain! Ha ha! Good luck filming that, Hollywood!! At least they'll be off my back and I won't have to deal with the film industry anymore.

• 2001: Holy shit, "Hannibal" pulled in $357 million worldwide gross??

• 2006: I can't wait to see "Hannibal Rising", the story of Hannibal Lecter as a teenager, on the big screen! After the premiere, I will only go to Diddy's party for a few hours and then it's back to work on "Baby Hannibal", "I Was A Teenage Hannibal", "Elderly Hannibal" and "Hannibalette" (what if Lecter was a woman? Mindblowing!!), all of which will be released as novels and movies in 2007.